ForeverCaHa
Heartbroken Welshman
- Feb 16, 2025
- 443
This time next week, if everything goes to plan...
Unfortunately I've run out of sleeping pills, so I was only able to get a few hours sleep last night. I was quite happy sleeping from 11am-11pm, being awake overnight. The peace and solitude were relaxing. Having a 'normal' sleep schedule will certainly help for when my CTB date arrives, but the thought of sitting awake in the light for the next 12 hours until my body lets me sleep (if it lets me sleep) is unnerving. 12 hours of thoughts, memories. This time last year everything was on the up. I was moving back to my favourite city to start my PhD, I had a growing client base for work, I was succeeding, I had him in my life. Now every thing in that list has gone, and I can only blame myself.
Making a coffee this morning, I just started crying out of nowhere. The sadness mixing with anger and frustration. I wish I had moved forward with my plan earlier in the month, this is exhausting now.
I hate that the weather is nice today. It just makes me think of all the things we would be doing if he hadn't died. It's Mother's Day here... I can't help but think of his mum, what she must be feeling, the silence of their house as they try to get on with the day. I never liked his family very much, but they didn't deserve this. None of us did.
I'm so tired of crying. I'm beyond ready.
Unfortunately I've run out of sleeping pills, so I was only able to get a few hours sleep last night. I was quite happy sleeping from 11am-11pm, being awake overnight. The peace and solitude were relaxing. Having a 'normal' sleep schedule will certainly help for when my CTB date arrives, but the thought of sitting awake in the light for the next 12 hours until my body lets me sleep (if it lets me sleep) is unnerving. 12 hours of thoughts, memories. This time last year everything was on the up. I was moving back to my favourite city to start my PhD, I had a growing client base for work, I was succeeding, I had him in my life. Now every thing in that list has gone, and I can only blame myself.
Making a coffee this morning, I just started crying out of nowhere. The sadness mixing with anger and frustration. I wish I had moved forward with my plan earlier in the month, this is exhausting now.
I hate that the weather is nice today. It just makes me think of all the things we would be doing if he hadn't died. It's Mother's Day here... I can't help but think of his mum, what she must be feeling, the silence of their house as they try to get on with the day. I never liked his family very much, but they didn't deserve this. None of us did.
I'm so tired of crying. I'm beyond ready.
