ForeverCaHa
Heartbroken Welshman
- Feb 16, 2025
- 439
I'm getting closer to the final week now, but I still don't feel afraid or nervous. I guess on the day it will be different, but for now I just feel numb.
I'm mainly struggling with the thought that it was around this time of year that I first started talking to my late partner. I'm doing my best to ignore that thought, but it keeps creeping back. Between that and the fantasies of what we'd be doing were he still alive... It's just an awful feeling.
I've been having regular dreams about him again this week. Last night I dreamt that he came back, so I had to contact all of the students I've dropped to invite them back to classes with me. A few days ago, I dreamt that I hugged him and told him I loved him. It was only a 10 second dream, extremely brief, but it was perfect. I woke up and lay in silence for a while. I feel nauseous just thinking about how much I want to stay in that dream.
I've started to notice how much weight I've lost these past two months. I was always quite a slim guy, but now it's worse. I'm hoping this will work in my favour for the SN procedure.
A few weeks before his death, my partner asked me to write him a love letter. I never did. I've written one this week, but he'll never get to read it. I can't believe how much I messed things up. I'm falling apart without him. I can't say I feel 'excited' to die, but it will be a relief from this cycle I've been in for the past 20 years.
I'm mainly struggling with the thought that it was around this time of year that I first started talking to my late partner. I'm doing my best to ignore that thought, but it keeps creeping back. Between that and the fantasies of what we'd be doing were he still alive... It's just an awful feeling.
I've been having regular dreams about him again this week. Last night I dreamt that he came back, so I had to contact all of the students I've dropped to invite them back to classes with me. A few days ago, I dreamt that I hugged him and told him I loved him. It was only a 10 second dream, extremely brief, but it was perfect. I woke up and lay in silence for a while. I feel nauseous just thinking about how much I want to stay in that dream.
I've started to notice how much weight I've lost these past two months. I was always quite a slim guy, but now it's worse. I'm hoping this will work in my favour for the SN procedure.
A few weeks before his death, my partner asked me to write him a love letter. I never did. I've written one this week, but he'll never get to read it. I can't believe how much I messed things up. I'm falling apart without him. I can't say I feel 'excited' to die, but it will be a relief from this cycle I've been in for the past 20 years.
