Help Unwilling to go on, unwilling to do it.

[PremiseRunner2049]

for the life of me I can't understand why if I am in so much pain, why I get so apprehensive around any given method.
I had the option for a 12 gauge
I've had loads of time to overdose
My knives are sharpened for Harakiri
I cant bring myself to go outside and find somewhere/something else to do it

How am I supposed to cope with being such a coward? I don't want to do any of this anymore. I cant live with the shame and confusion that I feel regardless.
hospitals aren't an option, therapists and psychs take their sweet time, and I've been losing people daily.
What do I do if I am so fucking stubborn that I can't just make a god damn decision? I cant work on myself but I cant fucking kill myself

 

[LaVieEnRose]

The hell a lot of us find ourselves in.

 

[Unattainable666]

SI is overwhelming and ctb should be seriously considered. Once you ctb there is no return, there is no more life. Please don't feel as if you are a coward or less of a person because SI is kicking in. It's normal. When and if you are ready you will know. I wish you peace in your life. Hang in there and don't be so hard on yourself.