spellbound
My Great Guilt
- Apr 25, 2026
- 86
Ive had crushes before, but what I felt for her I think was love. She was both perfect and perfect for me, despite her many flaws. She was so beautiful, so interesting, funny, kind. Above all, she was true to herself, which I admired. She always spoke her mind. Somehow, despite my very low self esteem, I thought at the time that I was good for her, too. I thought we were an amazing match.
The weird thing about it all is that, for the first time, I stopped being suicidal. Not completely, sure, but I could imagine a future. I could see myself 5 years from now, 10 years even, working on my mental health, doing something with my life. I really thought I could have the life of those I am jealous of.
She reciprocated, or I thought she did, all of my flirting. I thought (and anyone else would've thought the same, honestly) that there was something between us and I just had to confess my feelings to materialise it. She already had someone that she hadn't told me about. These things happen. We stayed friend, and I do appreciate her friendship. I did the saddest thing a man can do: I gave her honest relationship advices while I still had feelings for her and she knew it.
I still think about her often, daydreams too tender to ever be said anywhere, even here. I mean, its so bad that I write about her in a suicide forum and talk about her in the past. I try to put my love for her behind me, but she's not a crush. Every day I try to forget these feelings, but every time I see her, text her or even think about her, I can't help it.
Although my love is still unfortunately there, I can't say the same thing about my hopes for the future. I am now, as I've always been, fully suicidal. For this reason I have decided that I would never have a lover, even her, for suicide is my only love. But the fact that I think I need to impose myself this rule to stay single is laughable. She'll never love me. I could be the best version of myself and she would still love another. These things happen.
There was no point to this post, I now realise. Nothing meaningful can be said about this situation, or at least nothing Im seeing. I guess I needed to put these intense feelings somewhere, even tho I have friends I can talk to, this forum will always be the place people can understand me. I apologise for how bland I assume this is to read: a teenager gets rejected by a girl, big deal… At least it's heartfelt. It just feel so incredibly worse when it happens to you than when it happens to the loser main character in a movie.
I want to keep her in my life because I care about her so much and I think I can help her. But who will help me ? She doesn't really do that, I suppose I can't blame her on account of how broken she is. But I have to be the one to suck it up and be there for her. I don't want to love her.
But I know I'll love her tomorrow.
And I'll love her the day after.
And I'll love her
I'll love her
I'll love her
I'll love her
I love you
The weird thing about it all is that, for the first time, I stopped being suicidal. Not completely, sure, but I could imagine a future. I could see myself 5 years from now, 10 years even, working on my mental health, doing something with my life. I really thought I could have the life of those I am jealous of.
She reciprocated, or I thought she did, all of my flirting. I thought (and anyone else would've thought the same, honestly) that there was something between us and I just had to confess my feelings to materialise it. She already had someone that she hadn't told me about. These things happen. We stayed friend, and I do appreciate her friendship. I did the saddest thing a man can do: I gave her honest relationship advices while I still had feelings for her and she knew it.
I still think about her often, daydreams too tender to ever be said anywhere, even here. I mean, its so bad that I write about her in a suicide forum and talk about her in the past. I try to put my love for her behind me, but she's not a crush. Every day I try to forget these feelings, but every time I see her, text her or even think about her, I can't help it.
Although my love is still unfortunately there, I can't say the same thing about my hopes for the future. I am now, as I've always been, fully suicidal. For this reason I have decided that I would never have a lover, even her, for suicide is my only love. But the fact that I think I need to impose myself this rule to stay single is laughable. She'll never love me. I could be the best version of myself and she would still love another. These things happen.
There was no point to this post, I now realise. Nothing meaningful can be said about this situation, or at least nothing Im seeing. I guess I needed to put these intense feelings somewhere, even tho I have friends I can talk to, this forum will always be the place people can understand me. I apologise for how bland I assume this is to read: a teenager gets rejected by a girl, big deal… At least it's heartfelt. It just feel so incredibly worse when it happens to you than when it happens to the loser main character in a movie.
I want to keep her in my life because I care about her so much and I think I can help her. But who will help me ? She doesn't really do that, I suppose I can't blame her on account of how broken she is. But I have to be the one to suck it up and be there for her. I don't want to love her.
But I know I'll love her tomorrow.
And I'll love her the day after.
And I'll love her
I'll love her
I'll love her
I'll love her
I love you
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