Venting university students, how do you deal with thoughts/serious consideration of suicide

[brickedup]

i'm in university and am studying for a science degree. all of this information to memorize in such a short amount of time. not to mention i'm in very high level courses as well. im bad at math. i cant memorize for shit. when i read, its like sometimes the sentence doesn't make any sense. i picked a science career cause i thought it would be a fun way to make money, but i'm not as smart as i used to be when i was younger, and it really shows.

i also feel like my life is in a box and i cant get out. i see other girls my age laughing with their friends and having fun, and i know i can't do that cause it's a bit difficult to socialize, and i was homeschooled all throughout middle and high school (which i regret doing) so i barely have irl friends, and i dont even meet up with them. not having any friends in my second semester here is making me feel empty and lonely.

but hey at least i'm in school to earn a degree which i'm not sure i'm even smart enough to pass, right? all i have to worry about is my future right? that's what my parents tell me, to focus on whats going to make me succeed in the future. yet the state of my mental health is eating away at me everyday. i'm not sure what i even want to do anymore, i've lost motivation to live.

everyones forming their lives and i feel stuck in an empty space, and then theres a feeling of impending doom that i'm going to die soon, that my life is just going to end abruptly, and i'll regret the things i wasn't able to have in life. i mean i do plan on ctb soon anyways, but this feeling is just horrendous. i don't really want to die, but the future looks grim.

i want to try to study, but seriously considering ctb is discouraging me. but at the same time, if i dont ctb, and decide to lock in for my future, my grades will be low from not studying.

huge yappathon here, but i was just wondering if anyone else felt like this. like even though they have sort of an oppertunity in life, they still feel stuck and depressed. like they're not good or smart enough, and they've lost all motivation to move forward.

tldr; no social life, declining mental abilities, depression, and regret affecting student life

 

[Benjiii]

I felt the same way as you. The solution in my case was to drop out of university, since it's difficult enough as it is, now imagine dealing with mental health issues. I don't know if it applies to your situation because I don't know how far along you are in your degree, and I also don't know if your parents would take it well, since in my case they understood because of my suicidal thoughts. I also have a best friend; we weren't together all the time, but we saw each other at least once a week, and she was always my emotional support, which makes my situation even more different from yours. Anyway, I would start by trying to talk to your parents and follow your own pace in life. Since I accepted that, I'm much calmer looking for a job; the rest will take care of my future self.

 

[UserFromNowhere]

I don't. They just affect my mind and have forced me to drop a number of courses and I've had to shift programs multiple times to try and find something I could do. Maybe that's an option for you if you don't feel like you're enjoying your current degree. The thought of death still constantly invades my thoughts though, it never quite goes away.

 

[rotting]

i'm in university and am studying for a science degree. all of this information to memorize in such a short amount of time. not to mention i'm in very high level courses as well. im bad at math. i cant memorize for shit. when i read, its like sometimes the sentence doesn't make any sense. i picked a science career cause i thought it would be a fun way to make money, but i'm not as smart as i used to be when i was younger, and it really shows.

i also feel like my life is in a box and i cant get out. i see other girls my age laughing with their friends and having fun, and i know i can't do that cause it's a bit difficult to socialize, and i was homeschooled all throughout middle and high school (which i regret doing) so i barely have irl friends, and i dont even meet up with them. not having any friends in my second semester here is making me feel empty and lonely.

but hey at least i'm in school to earn a degree which i'm not sure i'm even smart enough to pass, right? all i have to worry about is my future right? that's what my parents tell me, to focus on whats going to make me succeed in the future. yet the state of my mental health is eating away at me everyday. i'm not sure what i even want to do anymore, i've lost motivation to live.

everyones forming their lives and i feel stuck in an empty space, and then theres a feeling of impending doom that i'm going to die soon, that my life is just going to end abruptly, and i'll regret the things i wasn't able to have in life. i mean i do plan on ctb soon anyways, but this feeling is just horrendous. i don't really want to die, but the future looks grim.

i want to try to study, but seriously considering ctb is discouraging me. but at the same time, if i dont ctb, and decide to lock in for my future, my grades will be low from not studying.

huge yappathon here, but i was just wondering if anyone else felt like this. like even though they have sort of an oppertunity in life, they still feel stuck and depressed. like they're not good or smart enough, and they've lost all motivation to move forward.

tldr; no social life, declining mental abilities, depression, and regret affecting student life

i totally get what you're saying.
Im a math major and it's very hard, but I try occupying myself as much as i can, studying, reading, scrolling, doing literally everything I can.
When i was in the beginning of the degree, i didn't thought it would be that complicated (even having depression 4 a long time before that). But, even that I was a very smart teen in high school, now in the college and taking so many meds that ruined my memory, i fell like you :/
I hope thing will get better for both of us! trully.

 

[lamy's sacred sleep]

I felt the same way as you. The solution in my case was to drop out of university, since it's difficult enough as it is, now imagine dealing with mental health issues. I don't know if it applies to your situation because I don't know how far along you are in your degree, and I also don't know if your parents would take it well, since in my case they understood because of my suicidal thoughts. I also have a best friend; we weren't together all the time, but we saw each other at least once a week, and she was always my emotional support, which makes my situation even more different from yours. Anyway, I would start by trying to talk to your parents and follow your own pace in life. Since I accepted that, I'm much calmer looking for a job; the rest will take care of my future self.

lowkey might do what you've done

unresolved mental health issues + university is a recipe for disaster (in my case)

 

[a4001]

In a similar situation trying to get an engineering degree at a fuckass community college cause I was too fucking lazy to do homework in high school. Made it through two semesters fine, broke down on the third so I dropped everything and tried to get on new meds which didn't work, and now I'm here in the same place. Classes started like a week ago and I'm hardly functional enough to do much of anything

Sorry I know this doesn't answer the question, I guess maybe there might be a little comfort in the suffering, y'know?

 

[Thia]

I also understand your situation in many ways. During my worst semester one and a half years ago, I had constant chest pain and couldn't get out of bed to attend lectures a lot of times, resulting in many automatic zeroes regarding grades. I couldn't cook meals for myself and relied on vitamin jellies / biscuits to survive. My GPA for that semester ended up being literally half of the preceding semester. Although I have been taking meds ever since that semester and tried on-campus therapy as well, my grades never fully recovered.

Our backgrounds are also similar; like you I did not go to a brick-and-mortar school for middle/high school. I also do not have friends at my university, only acquaintances.

I spent a lot of time on SaSu during that period.

Things are not as bad as it appears, for my mental faculties have recovered somewhat since. I tried around seven meds before finding one that works well enough (albeit not fully, as can be evident by me still hanging around here). I want to say that if you try recovering, things are likely to get better. However I do understand your pain very much.

 

[fuzzypeach]

i graduated last month but uh i just switched my major into something useless and super easy and made it my main goal

 

[kuroshimi]

Kind of feel the same.
I am currently studying computer science engineering. I guess I got there because I have always been terminally online. I feel like I'm in wrong place.
I'm trying to focus on something that will lead me to success but I'm tired of that race of life, since I was always being pushed to decide on my life from childhood.

I think I'm that "ambitious but lazy" person, since my mental issues holding me back yet I still trying to pursue something in life, but I feel very demotivated.

 

[turgle_turgle]

Made this account literally just to reply to this thread because I connected with it so hard.

Similar situation to yours. Computer programming student, no friends on campus. Some of it I like, but most of it I genuinely hate and have to force myself through it. It's killed my passion for programming. My workload is insane and my life is nothing but waking up and either doing school work or feeling guilty about not doing school work. I genuinely despise my life right now and I spend my commutes hoping I get hit by a car or something.

Very much resonate with you in that it feels like everyone around me is figuring themselves out, I see them chatting and laughing with each other in class, and I am watching from a distance wondering what the hell the point of this is. It's not necessarily that I'm bad at it, but that I hate what I'm doing so much that I just want to stop.

Feels like I am burning myself out telling myself that it's just temporary, that I'm not going to be in this hellhole forever, except the state of my industry is only getting worse.

 

[Szarur-abi]

Got my degree few months ago after painful 4 years. And as expected, there is no work for me and noone really cares. There was a period of satisfaction but now im stuck with being in a shitty job and being ghosted by every related job offer, what a joke... Why i had to pick this for my major. It was so agonizing to get and once i got it its not a relief but opposite. i cant find a decent job, noone gives a damn about it and im left drifting in space for now. Im desperately trying to achieve anything...

Also i didnt really socialized in these 4 years, i didnt connected with anyone in these years to be honest.

Im a history major btw. I like it but yea... Its tough but it seemed like a good decision in the past.

Also i had suicidal tendencies in this time ofc. And well, sometimes i acted on it less or more serious. And frequently cried in bathrooms XD yea, i remember it as a good time nonethless i had a purpose and routine.

 

[systemic_livestock]

i'm in university and am studying for a science degree. all of this information to memorize in such a short amount of time. not to mention i'm in very high level courses as well. im bad at math. i cant memorize for shit. when i read, its like sometimes the sentence doesn't make any sense. i picked a science career cause i thought it would be a fun way to make money, but i'm not as smart as i used to be when i was younger, and it really shows.

i also feel like my life is in a box and i cant get out. i see other girls my age laughing with their friends and having fun, and i know i can't do that cause it's a bit difficult to socialize, and i was homeschooled all throughout middle and high school (which i regret doing) so i barely have irl friends, and i dont even meet up with them. not having any friends in my second semester here is making me feel empty and lonely.

but hey at least i'm in school to earn a degree which i'm not sure i'm even smart enough to pass, right? all i have to worry about is my future right? that's what my parents tell me, to focus on whats going to make me succeed in the future. yet the state of my mental health is eating away at me everyday. i'm not sure what i even want to do anymore, i've lost motivation to live.

everyones forming their lives and i feel stuck in an empty space, and then theres a feeling of impending doom that i'm going to die soon, that my life is just going to end abruptly, and i'll regret the things i wasn't able to have in life. i mean i do plan on ctb soon anyways, but this feeling is just horrendous. i don't really want to die, but the future looks grim.

i want to try to study, but seriously considering ctb is discouraging me. but at the same time, if i dont ctb, and decide to lock in for my future, my grades will be low from not studying.

huge yappathon here, but i was just wondering if anyone else felt like this. like even though they have sort of an oppertunity in life, they still feel stuck and depressed. like they're not good or smart enough, and they've lost all motivation to move forward.

tldr; no social life, declining mental abilities, depression, and regret affecting student life

I do definitely feel this, I did horrible in high-school I knew A4001 in the same spot as me with doing the community college method and it makes me feel like such a failure telling people I'm in community it hurts to exist seeing people already in their dream schools while I'm behind I feel the only way to make living worth it is my success academicly as well as in my transition I'm literally in a fight for my life trying to do well to justify my existence but my mental health somtimes gets in the way. I deal with it by cutting alot, smoking myself stupid with weed somtimes and also trying to hook up. Hooking up also just helps my self body image offen when your transgender there is a perception that you're right to call yourself what you identify with is based apon your appearance in terms of being attractive and passing so sex atlest makes me feel attractive in a way and i use it as apart of my validation to frankly exist. Alot of the times ugly people are treated like shit but ugly trans people are almost treated as subhuman on top of that they face massive disgust about their bodies at which point its not really worth living is it. I find that I have total passing potential but I need my hrt to actually do its job which somtimes doesn't happen on that. Maby things will turn out right but I feel I cant afford any setbacks anything slowing me down would make me invalid for existing frankly I feel I need to prove myself worthy to be a women in life and also becoming a historian to prove to myself I'm not stupid or pathetic so therfore I have the right to live.

 

[Sphinxi]

I am similar to you. Every day, I go to class, go home, and binge drink and do homework. I can do my schoolwork while drunk, which is good. I have no friends at university.

University is supposed to be where people socially flourish, and is the most pro social environment you will ever be in. If you want to make friends, I think you should try.

 

[disgusting-life]

In a similar situation. I'm studying medicine (which is what my parents want). I'm just in 2nd year but i know I'm going to fail. I did really well in 1st year but then, everything wasn't this bad.
I've even been skipping classes, missing assignments, barely studying....it's a pretty dig pit I'm digging myself into but I don't really have energy to study those bulky ass complicated 2 million page notes especially for a degree I don't care about.

Anyways, hope it gets better for you...somehow ❤