Uniquely tortured existence and the thoughts against us

[Foresight]

I just really need to get my thoughts out. I never speak out loud so this is tucked in me. This whole conversation going on outside of SS is difficult. This community has the most compassionate people I've ever met come together in understanding. Where else can someone like me get that? I got my start on the banned subreddit and I thank the universe I was able to find my way here.

I don't even know where to begin because I never speak on what has happened to me. No one understands. It's too rare. My number one problem is I am deformed. No, I don't have body dysmorphic disorder, I am literally deformed. I have had children cry looking at me. I have had children cry to their mother that I don't even look human. People take their glasses off when they look at me. I have had coworkers shaken to their core over the way I looked. My face gives people anxiety, dread, and sadness at best. Men have gotten angry over my appearance and jaws have dropped in my presence. The worst was when a man prayed to God to help him when he saw me. "Oh my God" and "Jesus Christ" are regularly whispered when I walk by. It made me lose faith in God. I can lower the mood of any room by just standing there. Please don't ask how this happened, I don't wish to disclose. It's a miracle I'm even expressing what's happening, I never speak of it. This is just my number one issue. I was neglected and brutally abused in childhood day in and day out. I have never known true comfort.

My memories haunt me. I feel like a monster. I am a monster on the outside but I am sweet and loving and kind inside. No one ever sees that or gets to know that. I can reason with this life but you never thrive. I watch inspirational speakers with deformities thrive and I have no idea how they do it.

I stopped leaving the house last year. I shake even being outside on my property. I turn as much as I can and hide my face when people walk by. I never, ever have human contact anymore outside my house. I'm now rapidly losing touch with reality. I am no longer human.

I am truly someone who has little left. I've tried and tried and tried again. I feel such a separation from humanity, from my life, from my body. I met a man on SS in 2017 and he rescued me. We tried and tried again. I've had several cosmetic procedures for the issue. They worked a bit, but not enough. My husband is the love of my life and the only person who sees me for me and not what happened to me. Sometimes even having the love of our life with us isn't enough to quiet the suffering.

SS is the only place in a decade where I experienced honest compassion from another person, where people have encouraged me wholeheartedly to try to recover if I want to. Even some normies probably think I'm better off dead. It's the only place where I can hear another person say it's okay, circumstances can knock down the best of us. I've seen people send their honest best wishes to another in the toughest situations with the hardest decisions. I don't think outsiders could ever understand the depths of loneliness, despair, and irrevocable trauma an individual can go through. The SS community has never been nefarious to me. I've been lifted, given choice, and given a space to speak and to be heard. It allowed me to reach out and to have others in their darkest hour be seen and heard in-kind. I can't say the same about my community and society at large. The reality of how the world operates is what tore me and many others apart. Sorry some of us have to live in harsh reality while others get to play in their circumstances. Just don't come to my side telling me what this is about. I dare anyone on the other side to live my life and keep their stance. If I make it I know I will continue to be active in the right to die movement. I will always know what that really means to the people who need it the most.

 

[Snake of Eden]

This is heart warming. Yes nobody understands where we are coming from and what it is like to be us. I am glad you have a husband who loves you for who you truly are as even normies would envy something like that and yes even love cant be enough unfortunately.

 

[Le_Dauphin]

If there's a particular plight I'm profoundly moved by in this world, it is bad appearance. Perhaps because, though I'm not literally deformed, I am quite ugly myself, and I do know that few things can be more torturing in this society than being in this situation! People who aren't ugly usually think that those who are unattractive should just ignore it and focus on the other areas of their lives, but little do they know how countless doors that apparently had nothing to do with appearance in the first place are slammed in our faces because of it, everyday! Even parents will have a hard time liking a child who will never be considered wife/husband material to anyone. It really gets to my nerves that attractive people are capable of cursing their fate the way they do, because they can be the target of unwanted attention or of sexual harassment, it's not that I don't think that those side effects of beauty aren't serious or bad enough, it's just that I know that an attractive person may, aside from being harassed or even abused to a certain level, still have a somewhat healthy and socially respectable life, having dates, sex, getting married, having a full-fledged social life. When a person is ~really~ ugly and undesirable, he/she will have to deal with being spat on by society as a whole, because people's brains are chemically wired to reject, ostracize and loath anything remotely unattractive. Whenever I see someone complaining that being too attractive is a "curse", because they can be abused, I immediately compare them to a billionaire who would claim to be "cursed" due to the fact that he'll attract potential robbers. We, as humans and mammals are programed by evolution itself to seek company and approval by society, and being denied that at an early age due to our appearance is certainly a sentence and a fate worse than death. According to science, social ostracism evokes a reaction in the brain that is similar to that of physical pain. I dare say that I would happily trade the effects of rejection, humiliation and social ostracism I undergo due to being ugly with the possibility of being harassed for being "too handsome/pretty" at any time! I have nothing positive to say to you, since I am myself determined to dissolve the rotten face the "gods" of genetics saw fit to give me. I do empathize with you greatly, and expect your suffering to be reduced in the future.

 

[FuneralCry]

Living can be very painful. I know that it can be dreadful living a life which is just suffering. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Life is so cruel and unfair. I wish you the best.