i'm writing this here because i feel like ill explode if i don't put it somewhere.
so in january i tried to kms and it became a whole thing so i was forced to leave uni and the country that my uni is in to go home. i fought so hard not to go back home because my home country criminalizes lgbt people (up to 15 years in prison and people also want to kill every queer person) and i'm trans. the uni people said that the physical doctor who treated me said it's mandatory that i be with my parents for 2-3 months. they ensured me that i can return after that. however today, they're saying i have to wait until august and can't go back for summer semester because they're not convinced im better now. (yeah no shit i'm in a country where i have to go back into the closet with no hope of transitioning) anyway i'm spiraling rn because i feel very anxious that i will never be able to go back and it's very hard to get out of this country so i might never transition so like i don't even know what the point of trying to survive is. also my first attempt could have very well killed me if i didn't save myself because i was scared of death and hell. so idk if i can blame my uni tbh, it's kinda my fault for chickening out. they have to take precautions so that my death doesn't give them a bad rep and i kinda understand that. so i only have myself to blame. IDK i just feel so bad right now and i wish that i didnt call the helpline to save myself then, i wish that i just died instead. it's even harder to kms with my preferred method here because im not able to find the things i need online or elsewhere. just everything seems so fucked and i'm left with just "living" as someone else everyday, barely doing anything, and being anxious all the time. i feel like i should've died. FUCK. i want to die and i don't know what to do.
so in january i tried to kms and it became a whole thing so i was forced to leave uni and the country that my uni is in to go home. i fought so hard not to go back home because my home country criminalizes lgbt people (up to 15 years in prison and people also want to kill every queer person) and i'm trans. the uni people said that the physical doctor who treated me said it's mandatory that i be with my parents for 2-3 months. they ensured me that i can return after that. however today, they're saying i have to wait until august and can't go back for summer semester because they're not convinced im better now. (yeah no shit i'm in a country where i have to go back into the closet with no hope of transitioning) anyway i'm spiraling rn because i feel very anxious that i will never be able to go back and it's very hard to get out of this country so i might never transition so like i don't even know what the point of trying to survive is. also my first attempt could have very well killed me if i didn't save myself because i was scared of death and hell. so idk if i can blame my uni tbh, it's kinda my fault for chickening out. they have to take precautions so that my death doesn't give them a bad rep and i kinda understand that. so i only have myself to blame. IDK i just feel so bad right now and i wish that i didnt call the helpline to save myself then, i wish that i just died instead. it's even harder to kms with my preferred method here because im not able to find the things i need online or elsewhere. just everything seems so fucked and i'm left with just "living" as someone else everyday, barely doing anything, and being anxious all the time. i feel like i should've died. FUCK. i want to die and i don't know what to do.
