TW Self harm. I am really really going downhill lately. I can't believe I almost recovered...

[Worthless_nobody]

-TW:Self Harm-

I am really really going downhill lately. I'm more suicidal that I have been since early this year. November my least fave month of all is coming up. November is when my daughter died and when my beloved dog died. I was going to ctb last year in nov because I was in the perfect position to do so (personal story but was alone in hotel while abuser was out all day). But I forgot my SN because I had hidden it from my abusive ex.

I just self harmed bad. I carved I hate life into my leg. Im.voveted in cuts on my legs. I just can't resist the urges. I'm so sick of life. I cannot believe I sold my car to a family member when now I need it to get away at night to ctb. I'm constantly watched now since everyone knows I'm heartbroken and that painful anniversaries are coming up. My heart hurts..I cry and cry but it falls on deaf ears because everyone knows nothing can be done for me. My mental suffering is unbearable I'm constantly in physical pain...I lead no quality of life yet they guilt trip me into staying in this planet in misery.

Life is fucked up and cruel. I was so close to an opportunity to recover but that's taken from me as well. Sure I could go to more drs and therapy for what? Drs for my physical conditions just dismiss me. Nothing more can be done. Sometimes a person goes through so much trauma and so much shit they are already dead inside...they are just DONE.

I can't keep waiting to ctb. I'll have to make an excuse anything so I can be alone. I'm ready. I felt at peace last year and that feeling is coming again.

Is anyone else also trapped with others around making it hard to ctb too?

 

[Life_and_Death]

i get not wanting to go to more doctors but have you ever tried recovery on your own? thats where all of my steps forward came from. ive been so busy not having a therapist, to messing with different therapists and finding out medications dont work for me that ive helped myself out A LOT more then the system has. the system is still trying to figure out step 1 for me lol.

oh i forgot. remember its ok to fall down sometimes. i have a few words "Written" on my arm after not cutting for a while, what matters is that you try again.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

i get not wanting to go to more doctors but have you ever tried recovery on your own? thats where all of my steps forward came from. ive been so busy not having a therapist, to messing with different therapists and finding out medications dont work for me that ive helped myself out A LOT more then the system has. the system is still trying to figure out step 1 for me lol.

oh i forgot. remember its ok to fall down sometimes. i have a few words "Written" on my arm after not cutting for a while, what matters is that you try again.

My last plan/ last idea was going to be my attempt at recovery on my own. But life found a way to beat me back down and show me I'm not worthy to live. Thank you for your kindness sending lots of love and hugs to you.

 

[albino_elk]

 

[Life_and_Death]

My last plan/ last idea was going to be my attempt at recovery on my own. But life found a way to beat me back down and show me I'm not worthy to live. Thank you for your kindness sending lots of love and hugs to you.

im gonna have to ask. i remember reading something had happened but i cant remember exactly what and you have your account blocked so i cant check.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Update: my husband just got fed up and left (not permanently but for the night) I hope I can work up the courage to just get this over with. Like always ill just get things out start the regime then just stare at it crying. I think those dates in November will really do me in.

im gonna have to ask. i remember reading something had happened but i cant remember exactly what and you have your account blocked so i cant check.

I'll follow you or you follow me and you can see my story and "about" section. I have it set to followers

 

[Broken Chimera]

I'm sorry you're going through and been through so much. Best wishes in whatever you decide.

 

[Meditation guide]

Update: my husband just got fed up and left

That's so sad. It must be hard to love someone who is self harming. Can you relax with a small drink or a xanax?

 

[Worthless_nobody]

That's so sad. It must be hard to love someone who is self harming. Can you relax with a small drink or a xanax?

He is fed up with my bpd and my instability. I should be alone...im not cut out for relationships.

I took some xanax to calm down. Ill take my pain med too.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Well I took a bunch of meds. Calmed down my method is out and ready and I just stare. SI is a bitch. One day one day soon probably November because of the anniversaries of deaths I'm devastated over.

 

[muffin222]

I'm so sorry you've been through such pain and devastation in your life. I can't imagine your pain; no one deserves to suffer like this. I hope you find some kind of solution or outcome to your situation that works for you to help you find some peace

 

[SadJessu]

I empathize deeply with your story, as someone who also self harms, though I can't imagine the pain and grief you must endure. What's holding me back are the people in my life who care about me, and those who rely on me, I couldn't bear to hurt them. And I'm also a bit of a coward as of yet, but time makes it easier to accept things.

Regardless, you deserve peace and rest, however you see fit. Just remember that it's never too late for recovery if you chose. Wishing you love and peace.