(TW: FREE WILL TALK) Love myself, Hate existence

[Oblivion Access]

It saddens me to see so many sufferers here are plagued with self-loathing, especially given you lot are probably kinder and more sensitive to injustice than the average person (and certainly less lucky on the neurochemical diceroll). I, too, have hated myself for the longest - for my addictions, people I've hurt, inability to function as an adult, what have you.

However, recently I've had the dubious honour of fully realising we all really are naught but puppets on a string - all of our behaviour is determined by genetics and environment among other factors outside our control (Robert Sapolsky does a great job of explaining this). Everything in life is luck based. Every damn thing.

I am no more commendable for my insight or to blame for my laziness than an entrepreneur is to laud for being hard working or a serial killer to curse for their urges to kill. Blame and praise alike make no real sense. In light of this I find it illogical to hate any individual (which does little to stop anyone feeling hate, alas) as the highest of the high and the lowest of the low are both product of their circumstances.

Nobody would choose to be homeless, a drug addict, emotionally volatile or unable to fulfil their obligations. So why hate myself for being these things? Hate behaviours and phenomena, not people (though you all have the right to hate anyone who wronged you, justifiably more often than not). Life, evolution, DNA, sentience, these are the real villains from which all misery spreads forth, of which we all are victims.

In light of all this knowledge, I see no greater act of self-love I could grant myself, but to exit a life I never asked for peacefully, on my terms. Love to you all, my fellow sentient beings. May you find respite.

 

[FuneralCry]

I relate to what you are saying in that suicide is an act of self love. I deserve to be free from all suffering, I deserve better than this life and I deserve peace. I have never really hated myself, all my hate has always been directed towards life. I was forced to exist in a world that was never meant for me. None of this was my fault. Life will always be the problem.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Nightmare Painting]

I don't believe in free will either but people who harm others still need to be held accountable so they don't hurt anyone else. I don't hate myself and I believe in determinism but letting go of things like hatred or regret is not easy regardless. I still wish things could have been different and that I could've done things differently despite knowing that my life was out of my hands. I agree with your post in its entirety and do believe that suicide is the greatest act of love I can give myself just like euthanasia was for my dog.

 

[Oblivion Access]

I don't believe in free will either but people who harm others still need to be held accountable so they don't hurt anyone else. I don't hate myself and I believe in determinism but letting go of things like hatred or regret is not easy regardless. I still wish things could have been different and that I could've done things differently despite knowing that my life was out of my hands. I agree with your post in its entirety and do believe that suicide is the greatest act of love I can give myself just like euthanasia was for my dog.

Absolutely, holding people accountable is crucial as the focus of justice should be on reparation of harms caused and preventing future harm from offenders be it via detainment or treatment of pathology that causes harm to others.

To feel regret and hatred is only human, much like wishing things happened differenently - though that one seems like yet another elaborate act of psychic self-harm by our brains.