Venting TW: Dealing with a potentially criminal paraphilia

[Linda]

Sorry but I think you don't know nothing about it

"Ignore current scientific understanding."

waiting a source or study that proves this and isn't paid for by Big Pharma or some wealthy psychiatrist.

They create the misinformation, and you do it if you believe it and spread it.

Nobody gets to choose who they find sexually attractive and who they don't. For each of us, that is just a given. When I walk down the street I notice some men's looks and I'm indifferent to others. I can't change which men appeal to me and which do not. (At my age, and happily married, I'm not going to do anything about it. But I still notice.) Some of my female friends notice entirely different men than I do. (And my gay male friends tend to have different tastes again.) None of us has any choice in the matter.

OP finds children sexually attractive. (I'm guessing, but probably she means some children, not all.) She has no choice in that, so there are no moral issues at all here. It's just a fact. It isn't going to change. (Whether she was born that way or whether she became that way very early in life I don't know, but she certainly didn't make a conscious choice as an adult. These thing are fixed very early in life. How she came to be the way he did is just not relevant for present purposes.)

Provided she acts along the kinds of lines I outlined in my first post, she won't be doing any harm to anybody.

Which is more than I can say about you.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

I deeply respect your confession. I do not think you're a monster, but obviously your sexuality is something that can hurt a child. And not just you but even society makes trauma worse for children by re-traumatizing them with the way they react and invade their heads. So we just got to make it entirely clear that it's not okay to act on it under any circumstances because it sets someone up to a life time of issues.

The fact is you can can not control what you're attracted to. But thinking leads to planning and planning leads to doing so, please do the best you can to self-regulate your thoughts. You don't owe anyone your life, but I can't imagine how much of a struggle this is for you. I just want you to know that no matter what you do, I'm thankful to have met someone brave enough to put themself on the podium and speak for the one group no one has the balls to speak for. And you did so not demanding equality or acceptance, but to admit that it's something evil. You deserve a good life.

This comment was absolute gold.

 

[Darkover]

If you don't understand that the biomedical model in psychiatry (and psychology) is used to excuse behaviors typical of a capitalist society, etc., I have nothing more to say to you. Sorry, I don't have any more energy, and I will never think otherwise. Something like this wouldn't exist in a just, anarchist, "trauma-free" society. I'm also not saying all abusers have been abused; that would also be unfair!

And remember: correlation does not imply causation.

Where the Argument Breaks Down

The statement:

"This wouldn't exist in a just, anarchist, trauma-free society."

That's a claim of eradication, not explanation. It assumes:

That pedophilic attraction is purely a product of trauma or power structures.

That no atypical neural or developmental variation would exist in a peaceful, fair world.

There's no evidence for that, and plenty of evidence against it (including biological markers in individuals with no known trauma). The view becomes utopian determinism—treating suffering or deviance as just a glitch in a bad system, not a part of human variation.

 

[quietwoods]

This comment is super dangerous, you can't compare it or saying "here is nothing at all morally wrong with you if you find kids sexually attractive"... you need more critical thinking.

I'm so sorry OP you don't deserve all the pain but pedophilia is NOT a disorder or something you are born, these kinds of things have to do with culture, politics, society, and most likely with some trauma you suffered as a child. It can change BUT all this coments saying "its ok" or "it's a disoders" are very very dangerous and stigmatizing. I don't understand... people here don't seem very politicized

Homeslice, some people are sexually attracted to animals. There's a dude in the UK who was sexually attracted to tractors (seriously google that).

Relevant info copied from an easily searchable web article from psychologists:

"
If you're living with pedophilic disorder, you may feel aroused by children, but you'll also feel extreme distress at the same time. This can stop you from participating in events or daily routines. You often have a sense of anxiety and guilt.
For these reasons, pedophilic disorder is not a sexual orientation. As a type of paraphilic disorder, it's a condition that causes impairment or distress for the person living with it.
Pedophilic sexual orientation, on the other hand, involves the absence of anxiety, shame, or guilt at being sexually attracted to children."

 

[DerezzMyself143]

I'm so sorry OP you don't deserve all the pain but pedophilia is NOT a disorder or something you are born, these kinds of things have to do with culture, politics, society, and most likely with some trauma you suffered as a child. It can change BUT all this coments saying "its ok" or "it's a disoders" are very very dangerous and stigmatizing.

I wasn't abused as a child. I had a relatively normal childhood, even. And yet, I knew I was attracted to little girls since then.

When I turned 14 years old, I still felt the attraction but said "it's just a phase, it will go away when I turn 18". Turned 18, nothing changed. And the only "solution" I thought at the moment, other than ctb, was self-isolate myself and basically live as a hikikomori for five years in hopes that maybe I could find a cure.

There.

Is.

No.

Cure.

All scientific articles that I researched (like the ones some folks here posted) had something in common: pedophilia is a mental disorder with no known cure. I didn't choose to be a pedophile, the same way I didn't choose to be trans or autistic.

Does that morally justify my desires? Of course not: children can't consent and I'm well aware of that. Indeed I've read some stories... awful, awful real life experiences who just made me feel like shit for feeling an attraction that could potentially cause that. But I also thought that, at least, I'm conscious about it. And I will never harm a real child because I genuinely love them and I don't want them to suffer in any way.

I get the fear, but no. My pedophilia isn't a sociocultural thing per se and it has nothing to do with politics. It's a natural mental disorder that I didn't asked to be born with.

 

[Linda]

I wasn't abused as a child. I had a relatively normal childhood, even. And yet, I knew I was attracted to little girls since then.

When I turned 14 years old, I still felt the attraction but said "it's just a phase, it will go away when I turn 18". Turned 18, nothing changed. And the only "solution" I thought at the moment, other than ctb, was self-isolate myself and basically live as a hikikomori for five years in hopes that maybe I could find a cure.

There.

Is.

No.

Cure.

All scientific articles that I researched (like the ones some folks here posted) had something in common: pedophilia is a mental disorder with no known cure. I didn't choose to be a pedophile, the same way I didn't choose to be trans or autistic.

Does that morally justify my desires? Of course not: children can't consent and I'm well aware of that. Indeed I've read some stories... awful, awful real life experiences who just made me feel like shit for feeling an attraction that could potentially cause that. But I also thought that, at least, I'm conscious about it. And I will never harm a real child because I genuinely love them and I don't want them to suffer in any way.

I get the fear, but no. My pedophilia isn't a sociocultural thing per se and it has nothing to do with politics. It's a natural mental disorder that I didn't asked to be born with.

I wouldn't even say it is a mental disorder. It's part of ordinary human variability. There have always been a few people who felt that way, and there probably always will be a few so long as humans exist. What is abnormal is the intense hostility that our society has towards such people. That's a comparatively recent development over the last half century. A much more sensible attitude would simply be to accept that some people do feel that way, stop vilifying them, but also discourage them from acting on their desires. The reason for the latter is that, in our society it would be likely to harm the kids concerned. (Other societies, structured in different ways, have done things differently, and harm would have been much less likely.)

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

Well... As long as you don't engage in it and take whatever measures you can to remain a good girl, as far as im concerned, the wood chipper can remain in the shed.

 

[Namelesa]

I wasn't abused as a child. I had a relatively normal childhood, even. And yet, I knew I was attracted to little girls since then.

When I turned 14 years old, I still felt the attraction but said "it's just a phase, it will go away when I turn 18". Turned 18, nothing changed. And the only "solution" I thought at the moment, other than ctb, was self-isolate myself and basically live as a hikikomori for five years in hopes that maybe I could find a cure.

There.

Is.

No.

Cure.

All scientific articles that I researched (like the ones some folks here posted) had something in common: pedophilia is a mental disorder with no known cure. I didn't choose to be a pedophile, the same way I didn't choose to be trans or autistic.

Does that morally justify my desires? Of course not: children can't consent and I'm well aware of that. Indeed I've read some stories... awful, awful real life experiences who just made me feel like shit for feeling an attraction that could potentially cause that. But I also thought that, at least, I'm conscious about it. And I will never harm a real child because I genuinely love them and I don't want them to suffer in any way.

I get the fear, but no. My pedophilia isn't a sociocultural thing per se and it has nothing to do with politics. It's a natural mental disorder that I didn't asked to be born with.

God I had these exact circumstances too. I knew about this attraction I had when I was 14 and I this was just a phase too but its still hasn't gone away. I wasn't abused either when I was young. I am so sorry you are suffering like me.

@karakoltriste Yea sadly I don't think there is a way to do something to actually change the thoughts we have as sexuality isn't something that can be purposelly changed. If there is a way to change it then I wish to do that to make these attractions of mine to disappear but otherwise its best to not shame people for having thoughts and feelings they can't control. Its unfair to make people suffer more for something that is just thoughts and feelings they didn't ask for. Definitely shame the people who actually act on their thoughts tho as they choose to do that and hurt actual people.

 

[rabidbunny]

Sorry if this is ignorant but does having a partner into DD/LG help at all?

 

[x22]

It sounds like extreme guilt might be feeding into your problem. I'm not saying you absolutely don't have this attraction but I think fear of being a bad person made it more prominent to you. I have OCD and I have convinced myself several times that I'm "evil" in some way just by thinking too much about it. You could be going through something similar. Try, if you can, to stop attributing morality to your thoughts and just assess them as they are. This may not be your answer but it's worth a shot. Good luck no matter what happens. You're not a bad person.

 

[DerezzMyself143]

It sounds like extreme guilt might be feeding into your problem. I'm not saying you absolutely don't have this attraction but I think fear of being a bad person made it more prominent to you. I have OCD and I have convinced myself several times that I'm "evil" in some way just by thinking too much about it. You could be going through something similar. Try, if you can, to stop attributing morality to your thoughts and just assess them as they are. This may not be your answer but it's worth a shot. Good luck no matter what happens. You're not a bad person.

In the past I also thought it could be POCD since I'm a really paranoid person, but no. My attractions are real and I genuinely feel pleasure by the thoughts alone. My distress comes from the heavy moral implications of acting on my desires, which is why I limit myself to fantasies and fiction.

 

[Linda]

I even feel kind of isolated from others with my disorder because of my, let's say, different stance on the subject. Most people are either full anti-contact or plain hypersexual beings that can't think of the consequences of acting on those thoughts.

I'm on the anti-contact side indeed. I HATE abuse of any kind, but particularly CSA breaks my heart. No child deserves their innocence taken away by some awful, awful person. That being said... I also think I can't be fully isolated from children. Tried to for a half-decade, didn't work. And as I said, I actually can form healthy bonds with kids around me. It's not just a sexual desire: I genuinely love children and don't want to see them hurt in any way. Just seeing their smiles makes me happy and, ironically, gives me a reason to keep living. And again, I've discovered ways to cope with the lusty side of my attractions without involving real kids in any capacity: stick only to fictional characters, fantasies and a body pillow.

I can hide and overcome the bad part of my pedophilia on public spaces: it's the least I can do as a responsible adult. But I can't hide at all my deep love for little girls, it's just part of me. So I also learned other ways to show my love in a NON-sexual way: drawing, reading/watching/playing stories about childhood, that kind of stuff.

Again... it's a delicate topic and I don't want to get into much detail. I will always hate myself for the way my brain was wired, always suffer because of it. But I'd rather suffer myself than cause trauma on a little one.

One of the best teachers I had at school was, I am certain, attracted to children. But he never did anything to any of them, so far as I know (and I probably would have known if he had done, since I was one of the kids he clearly liked). It was probably the fact that he liked kids in that way that made him such a good teacher.