four_walls_girl
En-BEDded in reality
- Nov 18, 2024
- 67
Clickbait title :3 but also kinda though.
I was super super duper full of ideation last year, depressed and floaty af it's all I thought of everyday and had a full on hyperfixation on researching methods and websites to order sn or possibly get n.
Then I got into an argument with a family member and impulse tried the ol vertical wrist slice way which obviously didn't work cause I knew from how much time I used to spend lurking on here that cutting is one of the worst success rates ever. I was literally sat there opening my arm up feeling no pain at all going "this is stupid ur just gonna have to tell ur mum and get stitches". I regret telling her but also I had no way to get the hospital on my own oops.
She screamed hella loud it was kinda traumatising cause I wasn't expecting it for some reason? Now I just feel bad cause I vented everything to her right there but in a jokey way and I'm still embarrassed by it I can't even remember fully what I said or what my arm looked like.
Went to a&e, had to wait 6 hours for stitches :/ the doctor coughed onto my open arm!!! While his nose was running!!!! Gross.
and then I was sent home and put on sertraline and my family don't even really care lol. They just let me do what I want cause they don't want me to try again.
Now I just like, don't want to do anything. I'm 6 months clean not even completely voluntarily cause I just can't be bothered doing it anymore. Plus I think I'm a little scared of going that deep again cause beans ain't gonna itch that satisfaction :p. im not even jealous over other peoples scars and I don't get triggered by shedtwt posts either! It's so weird.
Also whenever I think of that night or about trying to ctb again or even just randomly I sometimes get this weird head flinch and vocal tics which is fun cause I'm already autistic af and now I look like I have tourette's but everyone thinks I'm faking cause it's just those two tics
Anyways I'm still scared of reaching 30 and I'm 25 this year so I'm probably just delaying until then when I have face reality and go out last minute. But I don't actually want to ctb anymore, I just don't want to be an adult and there's only one way to fix that when the time comes for it.
I was super super duper full of ideation last year, depressed and floaty af it's all I thought of everyday and had a full on hyperfixation on researching methods and websites to order sn or possibly get n.
Then I got into an argument with a family member and impulse tried the ol vertical wrist slice way which obviously didn't work cause I knew from how much time I used to spend lurking on here that cutting is one of the worst success rates ever. I was literally sat there opening my arm up feeling no pain at all going "this is stupid ur just gonna have to tell ur mum and get stitches". I regret telling her but also I had no way to get the hospital on my own oops.
She screamed hella loud it was kinda traumatising cause I wasn't expecting it for some reason? Now I just feel bad cause I vented everything to her right there but in a jokey way and I'm still embarrassed by it I can't even remember fully what I said or what my arm looked like.
Went to a&e, had to wait 6 hours for stitches :/ the doctor coughed onto my open arm!!! While his nose was running!!!! Gross.
and then I was sent home and put on sertraline and my family don't even really care lol. They just let me do what I want cause they don't want me to try again.
Now I just like, don't want to do anything. I'm 6 months clean not even completely voluntarily cause I just can't be bothered doing it anymore. Plus I think I'm a little scared of going that deep again cause beans ain't gonna itch that satisfaction :p. im not even jealous over other peoples scars and I don't get triggered by shedtwt posts either! It's so weird.
Also whenever I think of that night or about trying to ctb again or even just randomly I sometimes get this weird head flinch and vocal tics which is fun cause I'm already autistic af and now I look like I have tourette's but everyone thinks I'm faking cause it's just those two tics
Anyways I'm still scared of reaching 30 and I'm 25 this year so I'm probably just delaying until then when I have face reality and go out last minute. But I don't actually want to ctb anymore, I just don't want to be an adult and there's only one way to fix that when the time comes for it.
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