vampire2002
weeb & neet ♡
- Oct 8, 2023
- 153
hello! it's been a while since i've used this site, bc i'm trying my hardest to not CTB for my loved ones. i am feeling more optimistic as of late, on average. i'm in IOP ERP therapy for my OCD. it's really draining and tiring, 3 hours a day 5 days a week. i'm trying so hard to get better, to get over this debilitating mental illness which has made my life feel so unlivable. but i felt suicidal even before my OCD got out of control, so who knows if that'll change.
the therapy is difficult and progress is slow. it's in a group, and everyone there is nice to me. there's nobody i've met there that i dislike. it is admittedly really refreshing to be in a place where my OCD is so well understood by those around me and there's not much judgement. although i am unable to make friends due to my social anxiety, which is another thing i'm working on in this therapy. it kinda feels like going to school every day.
i don't dislike therapy or anybody there, it's a really supportive place and i do feel everyone is genuinely kind to me. but i lie every day when we get the cards asking, "do you have thoughts of harming yourself?" and "are you suicidal?". it's hard that even in such a place, it's still so stigmatized.
if they knew i was suicidal or anorexic, they'd have no choice but to deny me further treatment. and it is expensive treatment. my kindhearted grandma paid about ~3k for me to be here just to have a chance to get better after all these years. i'm so afraid of letting her and the rest of my loved ones down. but i also don't think i have time to complete the full program. i have no choice but to move in a few months, and i'm stressing. it's progress, but slow progress. i'm afraid once i have to move i will revert back to my old compulsions and get worse again. i'm afraid of wanting to die but being unable to. i'm afraid of letting everyone down.
anxiety eats me alive every day, for one reason or another. i'm getting so burnt out and tired. going to ERP therapy is good for me, i think. but it's exhausting and hard and draining. i'm going from being a total NEET who left the house about once a month for 4 years, to going to IOP 5 days a week for 3 hours a day.
some nights when i get home and lie in bed, i just want to die. i want to self harm again, but i worry someone in therapy will see it. but it's been months without it and i miss it. this feels like my last chance in life to really get out of this rut i've been in, but it's just so hard. it's always the feeling that i need to try harder, get better faster, but i'm trying so hard, and i was already burnt out and exhausted by my OCD to begin with.
i'm so tired. i want to fall asleep peacefully and never wake up again. i don't want anyone to hurt or to miss me. i want everyone i care about to be happy and healthy. but i don't want to do this. it's so hard, unbelievably hard, to make these changes. i'm exhausted. i don't really want to do this. but i have little drive to actually CTB at the moment, just this passive ideation as i'm feeling too busy and stressed to even try to plan a good CTB method. i just want to rest. i think death, and the lack of any positive or negative sensations, will be peaceful.
i want peace so badly. but i'm denied it and instead have to fight tooth and nail for a manageable life with a mental illness that everyone admits is not "curable." i will always have OCD. at least while i'm still alive.
and while they are teaching me good skills to cope with it, i just don't know if i can see myself doing 60+ ish more years of this. i don't know if i want to. i try to want to, i think of things to look forward to, but i struggle to enjoy anything due to my brain being like this. i'm so tired. it doesn't feel fair at all that i'm like this due to trauma, but the people who traumatized me probably live better lives without this daily mental torture.
i hold so many negative feelings in my heart that i'm afraid to tell anyone because they all want me to get better so badly. i'm not even sure what i really want anymore. i feel forcibly detached from my emotions sometimes. my life is turning around; i'm getting married, moving abroad, finally getting treatment i needed for years, and more. so why do i still feel this way?
it's hard to be optimistic when these feelings can only be suppressed for a short while, only to bubble up at the surface again a little while later. i'm so tired of fighting for my life with my own brain. i just want peace. i just want it to stop.
the therapy is difficult and progress is slow. it's in a group, and everyone there is nice to me. there's nobody i've met there that i dislike. it is admittedly really refreshing to be in a place where my OCD is so well understood by those around me and there's not much judgement. although i am unable to make friends due to my social anxiety, which is another thing i'm working on in this therapy. it kinda feels like going to school every day.
i don't dislike therapy or anybody there, it's a really supportive place and i do feel everyone is genuinely kind to me. but i lie every day when we get the cards asking, "do you have thoughts of harming yourself?" and "are you suicidal?". it's hard that even in such a place, it's still so stigmatized.
if they knew i was suicidal or anorexic, they'd have no choice but to deny me further treatment. and it is expensive treatment. my kindhearted grandma paid about ~3k for me to be here just to have a chance to get better after all these years. i'm so afraid of letting her and the rest of my loved ones down. but i also don't think i have time to complete the full program. i have no choice but to move in a few months, and i'm stressing. it's progress, but slow progress. i'm afraid once i have to move i will revert back to my old compulsions and get worse again. i'm afraid of wanting to die but being unable to. i'm afraid of letting everyone down.
anxiety eats me alive every day, for one reason or another. i'm getting so burnt out and tired. going to ERP therapy is good for me, i think. but it's exhausting and hard and draining. i'm going from being a total NEET who left the house about once a month for 4 years, to going to IOP 5 days a week for 3 hours a day.
some nights when i get home and lie in bed, i just want to die. i want to self harm again, but i worry someone in therapy will see it. but it's been months without it and i miss it. this feels like my last chance in life to really get out of this rut i've been in, but it's just so hard. it's always the feeling that i need to try harder, get better faster, but i'm trying so hard, and i was already burnt out and exhausted by my OCD to begin with.
i'm so tired. i want to fall asleep peacefully and never wake up again. i don't want anyone to hurt or to miss me. i want everyone i care about to be happy and healthy. but i don't want to do this. it's so hard, unbelievably hard, to make these changes. i'm exhausted. i don't really want to do this. but i have little drive to actually CTB at the moment, just this passive ideation as i'm feeling too busy and stressed to even try to plan a good CTB method. i just want to rest. i think death, and the lack of any positive or negative sensations, will be peaceful.
i want peace so badly. but i'm denied it and instead have to fight tooth and nail for a manageable life with a mental illness that everyone admits is not "curable." i will always have OCD. at least while i'm still alive.
and while they are teaching me good skills to cope with it, i just don't know if i can see myself doing 60+ ish more years of this. i don't know if i want to. i try to want to, i think of things to look forward to, but i struggle to enjoy anything due to my brain being like this. i'm so tired. it doesn't feel fair at all that i'm like this due to trauma, but the people who traumatized me probably live better lives without this daily mental torture.
i hold so many negative feelings in my heart that i'm afraid to tell anyone because they all want me to get better so badly. i'm not even sure what i really want anymore. i feel forcibly detached from my emotions sometimes. my life is turning around; i'm getting married, moving abroad, finally getting treatment i needed for years, and more. so why do i still feel this way?
it's hard to be optimistic when these feelings can only be suppressed for a short while, only to bubble up at the surface again a little while later. i'm so tired of fighting for my life with my own brain. i just want peace. i just want it to stop.
