**Please do NOT read this if comments on Sexual Assault or Child Pornography or Gaslighting make you upset**
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I'm sure I'm not the only one here who was raped. I can logically tell you that it was not my fault. I was 8, and 8 year olds are stupid. I can also logically tell you that I did not like it. Having unwanted sex happens to be very painful. BDSM shit also happens to be very painful.
Now somehow in my brain I have come to the conclusion that maybe I like being raped. It's been 6 years since I was young enough to be appealing to the pedophiles that would pay my family friend who pimped me out to all the wackos. Still I haven't gotten it out of my head that I liked it and I deserved it.
Before my brain got completely fucked i tried to CTB a few times most via drowning which happens to be really painful. I just really hate my life and also myself because after i relized what was going on i also relized that other children must also be getting hurt like me because there were to many of them for it to be just me.
From this we've got two main issues;
Issue #1: I have a very hard time not actively seeking out abusers or other means to hurt myself
Issue #2: There are videos somewhere of me having sex on the internet and if anyone ever finds them and shows them to me i will go at CTB immidiatly
Sometimes I have bad weeks where i just really want to CTB. I'm tired. Sometimes it feel like it gets better only to get much worse. I also did somthing really stupid recently where my boyfriend who has similar issues ran a rape scene for me in order for me to stop doing stupid shit. I really hated it (which was the point) and he really hated it. Now I feel really guilty. Maybe I should just CTB now to save everyone pain
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I'm sure I'm not the only one here who was raped. I can logically tell you that it was not my fault. I was 8, and 8 year olds are stupid. I can also logically tell you that I did not like it. Having unwanted sex happens to be very painful. BDSM shit also happens to be very painful.
Now somehow in my brain I have come to the conclusion that maybe I like being raped. It's been 6 years since I was young enough to be appealing to the pedophiles that would pay my family friend who pimped me out to all the wackos. Still I haven't gotten it out of my head that I liked it and I deserved it.
Before my brain got completely fucked i tried to CTB a few times most via drowning which happens to be really painful. I just really hate my life and also myself because after i relized what was going on i also relized that other children must also be getting hurt like me because there were to many of them for it to be just me.
From this we've got two main issues;
Issue #1: I have a very hard time not actively seeking out abusers or other means to hurt myself
Issue #2: There are videos somewhere of me having sex on the internet and if anyone ever finds them and shows them to me i will go at CTB immidiatly
Sometimes I have bad weeks where i just really want to CTB. I'm tired. Sometimes it feel like it gets better only to get much worse. I also did somthing really stupid recently where my boyfriend who has similar issues ran a rape scene for me in order for me to stop doing stupid shit. I really hated it (which was the point) and he really hated it. Now I feel really guilty. Maybe I should just CTB now to save everyone pain
