Too soon to CTB??

[dinkthemudhead]

I notice that a lot of people on here are way older than me and are considering to ctb. I'm only a freshmen in college and graduated highschool only half a year ago now I think. Is it too soon for me to ctb or should I wait it out a little longer to hope things get better because to right now it doesn't seem like it will ever happen. I have my prefered method an everything I just need to buy the materials, wondering if someone has a point that I haven't heard yet that would make me decide otherwise on my decision.

 

[vascomorrow]

I notice that a lot of people on here are way older than me and are considering to ctb. I'm only a freshmen in college and graduated highschool only half a year ago now I think. Is it too soon for me to ctb or should I wait it out a little longer to hope things get better because to right now it doesn't seem like it will ever happen. I have my prefered method an everything I just need to buy the materials, wondering if someone has a point that I haven't heard yet that would make me decide otherwise on my decision.

I honestly think people under 50 maybe 60 even, should reconsider because life could change fast.

 

[decafcheeseburger]

I am 35, the temptation is strong while I know I'm afraid to actually CTB. I don't know what you are going through but just assuming based on your age, although it might sound unfair to judge just based on age, I think you might still have a chance to change everything. Hope you find peace.

 

[walliwalli]

i am in a similar boat (college senior) so i probably should not answer this. but if you want to talk about it i'm here.

 

[panhandle5363]

When I was 16, I gave myself a deadline: if by 29 I haven't accomplished any of the things I was supposed to, then I'll do it. There's only a year left, though, so I'm pretty much a goner.

 

[iamveryoriginal]

I notice that a lot of people on here are way older than me and are considering to ctb. I'm only a freshmen in college and graduated highschool only half a year ago now I think. Is it too soon for me to ctb or should I wait it out a little longer to hope things get better because to right now it doesn't seem like it will ever happen. I have my prefered method an everything I just need to buy the materials, wondering if someone has a point that I haven't heard yet that would make me decide otherwise on my decision.

Im in the same boat more or less. I feel like at the end of the day its just a matter of endurance. Given your age theres a good chance things can get better, but the real question is just how long you are willing to wait for that to possibly happen

 

[NameOfAction]

I mean, I can almost guarantee it will get better at some point. Then it'll probably will get worse. Then maybe better again.

Life's a rollercoaster full of unexpected and unforseen twists and turns. Dying young has the benefit of never being old. But I kinda like being old. I can't relate in worlds how glad and excited my single gray hair makes me. I never expected to live this long, not in a million years.

Also, brain chemistry changes with age. Drastically. Nobody want to admit to it, but age does mellow you out, kinda like the sea smoothes a pebble over time. What felt catastrophic at 18 feels kinds meh at 21, I can only imagine how nonplussed I'd be at 30.

Give life a go, you can always ctb later. There's literally no rush or deadline.
In fact, you will die regardless! Dying isn't optional, you know. So, maybe later. Hopefully, much, much later

When I was 16, I gave myself a deadline: if by 29 I haven't accomplished any of the things I was supposed to, then I'll do it. There's only a year left, though, so I'm pretty much a goner.

Things you personally want? Or things society expects you to have?

 

[walliwalli]

Im in the same boat more or less. I feel like at the end of the day its just a matter of endurance. Given your age theres a good chance things can get better, but the real question is just how long you are willing to wait for that to possibly happen

yeah, this is a good point. lots of things can happen in a lifetime. it definitely can get better. but it can also get worse. or, most likely, a combination of the two. so it really can be about endurance and whether you have the motivation to wait and see what will happen.

i'd say, given you're only a freshman in college, maybe stick around for a little longer. you can find out a lot about yourself during college—passions, life goals, etc. i was hopeless leaving high school but felt reinvigorated during the first few years of college, so i'd wait and see if your college experiences might change you mind.

 

[dewasrite]

So young. You are so young. I understand what you are going through, I'm sure we all do on some level but I feel like at your age you owe it to yourself (no one else- YOU) to see what comes next. I am 50, and here on SASU so obviously it hasn't been sunshine and roses, but I can say that there are a few things I am glad I was alive to see and to experience. I would imagine the same can be said for a lot of people. Maybe you are one of them? I am sorry you are struggling with the decision, it breaks my heart to see how many young people are here. I'm not going to preach, but I will say that you absolutely have time to see things get better.

 

[iamveryoriginal]

yeah, this is a good point. lots of things can happen in a lifetime. it definitely can get better. but it can also get worse. or, most likely, a combination of the two. so it really can be about endurance and whether you have the motivation to wait and see what will happen.

i'd say, given you're only a freshman in college, maybe stick around for a little longer. you can find out a lot about yourself during college—passions, life goals, etc. i was hopeless leaving high school but felt reinvigorated during the first few years of college, so i'd wait and see if your college experiences might change you mind.

ig you could say that the impulses that drive you to even consider ctbing are not that rational. Like sure it makes a ton of sense to wait for a bit, especially when you have likely lived through less then a quarter of your lifespan, but that realization wont necessarily help anyone feel better in the moment. I do agree with you though

ig you could say that the impulses that drive you to even consider ctbing are not that rational. Like sure it makes a ton of sense to wait for a bit, especially when you have likely lived through less then a quarter of your lifespan, but that realization wont necessarily help anyone feel better in the moment. I do agree with you though

although ig the rationality of suicidality can vary between people like all other things

 

[panhandle5363]

Give life a go, you can always ctb later. There's literally no rush or deadline.
In fact, you will die regardless! Dying isn't optional, you know. So, maybe later. Hopefully, much, much later

This is actually great advice.

Things you personally want? Or things society expects you to have?

What I want is irrelevant, in a way. What's in store for those who don't adapt to reality is poverty and suffering.

 

[pelicanportal]

wondering if someone has a point that I haven't heard yet that would make me decide otherwise on my decision.

I know you are hurting, but you are so young that your brain supposedly hasn't even finished developing. It isn't done yet. And even still there are a lot of treatments left for you to try, and some options to try for treatment-resistant depression. At least exhaust some avenues before calling it quits. People will want to help when you're young.

 

[walliwalli]

ig you could say that the impulses that drive you to even consider ctbing are not that rational. Like sure it makes a ton of sense to wait for a bit, especially when you have likely lived through less then a quarter of your lifespan, but that realization wont necessarily help anyone feel better in the moment. I do agree with you though

although ig the rationality of suicidality can vary between people like all other things

yeah lol that's the other half of it and what i'm experiencing, i just didn't want to be bring up too many negatives in this thread specifically.

i think the two of us are on the same page overall hahaha. hope the impulses aren't too bad for you.

 

[overmorrow]

suffering doesn't have an age or date, you can be in atrocious dread even at 13

 

[iamveryoriginal]

yeah lol that's the other half of it and what i'm experiencing, i just didn't want to be bring up too many negatives in this thread specifically.

i think the two of us are on the same page overall hahaha. hope the impulses aren't too bad for you.

Thankfully?? it helps that i dont usually have the privacy to pull anything off. But i do have my method sitting literally in the same room so hypothetically i could just do the pro gamer move whenever there is an opportunity

 

[Forveleth]

Even though I have been suicidal since I was 15, I am glad to have made it through my 30s. College was rough for me, and so were the next few years afterwards. But at about age 28, I started getting my shit together and really finding who I was as a person. I made some good friends, and I spent my 30s really enjoying myself and the life that I had started to create. Honestly, I might still be enjoying it if it had not been for meeting my abusive partner.

I do not know what is going on with you and your life, but personally, my life did not really start until I was done with college and out on my own, and I am glad that I got the experience I did for staying alive that long.

 

[wishingonstars]

I notice that a lot of people on here are way older than me and are considering to ctb. I'm only a freshmen in college and graduated highschool only half a year ago now I think. Is it too soon for me to ctb or should I wait it out a little longer to hope things get better because to right now it doesn't seem like it will ever happen. I have my prefered method an everything I just need to buy the materials, wondering if someone has a point that I haven't heard yet that would make me decide otherwise on my decision.

It's certainly too soon to ctb, I'm only a few years older than you and things have majorly shifted for me in those years. The brain doesn't even finish developing until 26 so that's my goal right now, make it past 26 and see how things are. The most important thing I think is you are in a time of massive change, you just graduated high school and are now in college, everything is new and different and scary. Give it some time to settle, remember you don't have to fit into a perfect box. If college is hard ask for help, get accommodations, go to therapy if you aren't already, maybe you would do better on medication or if you already are maybe you need a different one. And maybe college isn't for you, I dropped out and am working a full time job that I've been at for the past 3 years that I enjoy and while I'm not making a ton I'm financially stable. There are many paths you can take none more right than another. There are many treatments and one of them could change your life, you owe it to yourself to try. And like others have said ctb is always there, it will always be an option just don't take that option before you have tried everything else first.

 

[ilovenewyork]

way too soon. everything in your environment will change in the next decade. stick around and see if you like it

 

[NameOfAction]

What I want is irrelevant, in a way. What's in store for those who don't adapt to reality is poverty and suffering

Diogenes laughs. Kamus shakes his head

 

[dinkthemudhead]

i am in a similar boat (college senior) so i probably should not answer this. but if you want to talk about it i'm here.

Thank you, I didn't specify it in my orignal post but the reason as to why I'm feeling the way that I do is mostly due to the end of a relationship I had in January. I haven't been having any sexual intimacy with her and she was convinced it was because I didn't love her, the truth is that I do love her a lot and the reason I struggle with intimacy is from how I understand from my multiple therapist I've had is due to sexual abuse at the age of nine. I tried explaining to her without going into it because I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of it. She didn't take it seriously and ended things. It hurt a lot and it brought back a lot of tramatic memories of abandonment. I was always extremely depressed prior to this and was extremely depressed before the break up anyways and had prior suicide attempts so I'm no stranger to this. For the past month and a half there's so much talk with doctors and parents telling me what I'm feeling is okay and it will get better and I'm agreeing in response but I truly don't believe a word any of them say. I feel so lonely because I know deep down I just want someone to talk to, just to reaffirm what I already believe is the truth, and that being that this world is sick evil and cruel and there's no rhyme or reason why the thing that happened to me happened to me as a child. The only way out is on my terms, and I'll finally be able to do something for me for once in my life. Sorry if this seems ranty, I'm just slightly distraught.

 

[walliwalli]

Thank you, I didn't specify it in my orignal post but the reason as to why I'm feeling the way that I do is mostly due to the end of a relationship I had in January. I haven't been having any sexual intimacy with her and she was convinced it was because I didn't love her, the truth is that I do love her a lot and the reason I struggle with intimacy is from how I understand from my multiple therapist I've had is due to sexual abuse at the age of nine. I tried explaining to her without going into it because I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of it. She didn't take it seriously and ended things. It hurt a lot and it brought back a lot of tramatic memories of abandonment. I was always extremely depressed prior to this and was extremely depressed before the break up anyways and had prior suicide attempts so I'm no stranger to this. For the past month and a half there's so much talk with doctors and parents telling me what I'm feeling is okay and it will get better and I'm agreeing in response but I truly don't believe a word any of them say. I feel so lonely because I know deep down I just want someone to talk to, just to reaffirm what I already believe is the truth, and that being that this world is sick evil and cruel and there's no rhyme or reason why the thing that happened to me happened to me as a child. The only way out is on my terms, and I'll finally be able to do something for me for once in my life. Sorry if this seems ranty, I'm just slightly distraught.

oh, goodness. this sounds extremely difficult and distressing. what happened to you was absolutely not fair and i'm sorry your recent breakup has hurt you more. i'm not well-versed in coping with such trauma, but honestly given the large and diverse community here, there may be others here with similar experiences who could help. and don't apologize for ranting, sometimes you have to. i'm glad you were able to get that off your chest here.

no doubt this is a difficult time for you. it's understandable for you to feel this way right now. but i encourage you to try to stick around a little longer. no one can promise that things will get better, but the possibility is always there. college and life in general has a lot to offer and you may discover new sources of joy to keep you going. also, i know it might feel like CTB may be the best way to take control, but there are other ways. you are also in control if you continue to live. and you have so much time to do so.

if you'd like, you can disregard the optimistic words—i know you've heard enough of them already. at the end of the day, it is your decision. you do have control either way.

personally, i hope you persevere. i hope you're able to move past the breakup (it hurts and it will take time, but you can get there) and reassess then, since your feelings may change.

 

[dinkthemudhead]

I really appricate you giving me your time. I talked to my childhood best friend last night on the matter and I've decided to postpone ctb till end of April if I feel things haven't improved or things have gotten worse. I go back to school May 21st, I've been off school since end of January after being hospitalized twice for suicide attempts. That experrience kind of put everything in perspective where no one, not even doctors can make things better, they just go through the same old talking points the basic person regurgitates when talking to someone who's depressed/suicidal. I really don't anticipate things to get better when I get back just because so much has happened since I've been gone, for one my friend is dating my ex after less than a month of us splitting up. The rest of my friend group tried to hide it from me but I was still able to find out through someone nice enough to have common sense to to tell me and also informing me of the fact that everyone else was trying to hide it from me. It hurts really badly and they know I went to the hospital for suicide attempt and were actually the ones who sent me to the hospital the second time and still did this to me. I can't really express how angry and upset I am from this information and it's been a week of knowing this and I feel like things have gotten worse. I'm scared to go back to school because I feel I truly have no friends to trust. I just want to ctb so badly, I don't want to share a world knowing people like this will share it with me.

 

[walliwalli]

@dinkthemudhead yeah of course. and i'm glad to hear you're postponing it!

yeesh, asshole move from your friend and the majority of your friend group. sorry they had to make it worse like that. but there truly are good people out there, for example your childhood best friend sounds like they've helped you. so you still have a chance at finding better friends (though i get if you don't have the motivation to try).

i hope the coming months are good for you... a lot of shitty things have happened to you and i know it can be difficult to look past that and have hope, but like i said, life has a lot to offer! so i hope you can discover some of the good parts of it.

best of luck to you either way, no matter what you end up deciding. feel free to keep me updated if you'd like / ever need to rant more.