Venting too much si too hang

[notgonnamakeit]

Hello everyone. I haven't been as active recently because I haven't found myself with much to say, but I finally have something. I have tried hanging twice now, and both times I chickened out from SI. I know that death is my only choice now, I know I need to die, I want to die, I have the option right before me... but I still can't bring myself to do it. I really hate myself so much.
Does anybody have any advice on where to go next? I had another thread discussing using medication to eliminate SI, but I can't wait that long, and I'm scared that it won't have enough of an effect. At this point I'm thinking I need to use another method, I think a firearm may be my best option. I would go the SN route, but I don't have enough money to get that at all or the other stuff you need for it, and I'm too fucking stupid and emotional to get a job. Sometimes I wish that I was born with more aggressive parents, ones that would force me out of the house to get a job, instead my parents are the nicest people in the world, and they just go on rants to me that I need to get a job and I don't even care enough to do anything about it.
I just feel clueless at this point. My life is going nowhere. I feel like I have no one. I can't do anything healthy for myself. I can't even end myself, I'm really so useless that I'm just stuck here being an apathetic, unemployed, stupid ass sack of flesh.