ohsosleepy
Dreaming of eternal sleep
- Feb 9, 2026
- 26
My SN arrived a couple days ago.
I haven't been there to verify and secure it, as I've been stuck at my dorm for a while. I can only hope nothing unexpected happens before I can go home.
I've been debating whether or not to make one last cry for help before I go. Telling the entire truth to my dad and sister. One last chance for something to save me. But what good would that do? What's the point when I don't have the motivation nor desire to get better? Making a real effort towards progress is far more difficult and scary than accepting my defeat and leaving this world. Right now I don't feel much hope for my future. I've been feeling pretty hopeless overall.
At times, I do feel like there's a possibility I could turn things around. That maybe I could enjoy life despite its hardships like others seem to do. That maybe I could improve and not loathe myself this much. That maybe I could have relationships I feel safe in. Such hope is so painful because it can be so strong. It makes me fully believe that this time, for real, things will be different. But I don't change. So nothing else does. Looking back, it feels stupid to keep trusting in that hope time and time again when nothing ever comes out of it. Should someone like me even be allowed to feel hope at all?
I feel like telling my family will just complicate things. If I say something about it, I'll obviously be forced to live longer. When nothing changes once again, and I inevitably CTB, it would just make them feel worse than if I hadn't said anything, wouldn't it? It might make them feel like they didn't do enough to help me. I'm sure they'd feel that way whether or not I tell them, but I have a feeling it would be more painful if they knew I felt like this. Not to mention the financial burden of treatment. If they invest into anything like that to help me, I'd be wasting their money. I don't really want to do anything to get better anyway. Or they might not even take me seriously, and become more upset about the fact that I wasted so much money on college. At least if that happens, it'll give me even more conviction in my decision to CTB.
Right now, the only thing delaying my bus is that I don't want to leave my teammates in a bad position on our final group project. Just because I want to die, it doesn't mean I can inconvenience people this late in the semester. But after we finish, there's nothing stopping me. I'll finally have to make a decision then.
I haven't been there to verify and secure it, as I've been stuck at my dorm for a while. I can only hope nothing unexpected happens before I can go home.
I've been debating whether or not to make one last cry for help before I go. Telling the entire truth to my dad and sister. One last chance for something to save me. But what good would that do? What's the point when I don't have the motivation nor desire to get better? Making a real effort towards progress is far more difficult and scary than accepting my defeat and leaving this world. Right now I don't feel much hope for my future. I've been feeling pretty hopeless overall.
At times, I do feel like there's a possibility I could turn things around. That maybe I could enjoy life despite its hardships like others seem to do. That maybe I could improve and not loathe myself this much. That maybe I could have relationships I feel safe in. Such hope is so painful because it can be so strong. It makes me fully believe that this time, for real, things will be different. But I don't change. So nothing else does. Looking back, it feels stupid to keep trusting in that hope time and time again when nothing ever comes out of it. Should someone like me even be allowed to feel hope at all?
I feel like telling my family will just complicate things. If I say something about it, I'll obviously be forced to live longer. When nothing changes once again, and I inevitably CTB, it would just make them feel worse than if I hadn't said anything, wouldn't it? It might make them feel like they didn't do enough to help me. I'm sure they'd feel that way whether or not I tell them, but I have a feeling it would be more painful if they knew I felt like this. Not to mention the financial burden of treatment. If they invest into anything like that to help me, I'd be wasting their money. I don't really want to do anything to get better anyway. Or they might not even take me seriously, and become more upset about the fact that I wasted so much money on college. At least if that happens, it'll give me even more conviction in my decision to CTB.
Right now, the only thing delaying my bus is that I don't want to leave my teammates in a bad position on our final group project. Just because I want to die, it doesn't mean I can inconvenience people this late in the semester. But after we finish, there's nothing stopping me. I'll finally have to make a decision then.
