Anyone else that has had everything handed to them, just to throw it away?

[nettspend]

A lot of the posts here seem to be centered around hopelessness due to mental illness or physical disabilities. While I do have BPD, possibly bipolar as well as some autistic traits, according to my psychiatrist, I don't have any debilitating disabilities. I am also on lithium and lexapro, which has more or less cured my anxiety and spiraling for the time being. I could get into any university program, at whichever university I'd like, in the country. While I spent all my money on drugs already, I know that if I really wanted to I wouldn't have any problems making money. I'm decently attractive and have done a lot of sports in the past. Never had any problems with establishing romantic relationships. When I haven't been depressed I've never really had trouble with making friends either. Point is that I'm incredibly privileged, and have a host of opportunities available to me in life. Despite this, I have been on and off heroin, had three suicide attempts, been in the psych ward and the hospital and just can't shake the urge to die.

Right now I've been sober for three weeks, but if I had heroin in front of me I would shoot that shit in an instant. Not even because I'm addicted, but because I just simply don't see the point in improving my life. So what I get out there and start dating again? The relationship will eventually end, anyway, and before then I'll just be plagued by worry. Besides, I don't want children. I could never imagine bringing a child into this twisted, depraved world. I don't care about money either, because there's nothing I want to buy. I don't want to go anywhere or build anything.

I'm just done. I feel like I've already seen all that life has to offer, and none of it has been worthwhile. The only thing that I can say is a worthy experience in life is true, romantic love. Staring into each others eyes, embracing each other. Melting into one. But I've already experienced it, and it's also been incredibly painful at times. I'd say it's more painful than pleasurable, all in all, especially if you have BPD.

Nothing excites me. Nothing is appealing. Nobody could ever bribe me with anything.

I just don't see the point. It's all too predictable, too boring. Maybe I'm just permanently altered from the drug use.

 

[Quietist]

It's definitely possible that the pharma + illicit drug use could be fucking with your brain.

While I personally don't see how people who are given a bit of edge in the game end up miserable, I get that everyone has their reasons for feeling the way they do.

 

[L'appel Du Vide]

I think this sentence reveals a significant part of your outlook. "The only thing that I can say is a worthy experience in life is true, romantic love." It might not be fair to generalize this onto you but it's a pattern with many folks I have known who hadn't yet found a true purpose. Something that shows them greater meaning than any of the basic pleasures that come from love or drugs. These are chemical influences that wouldn't have half the impact if stripped from their feelings and left on-par with any other friendship or hobby. It sounds pretentious but the highest heights, the enduring ones don't rely on other people or substances. Problem is that calling is going to be different for everyone and some aren't realistically going to find or pursue the right thing for them in time. Or it was going to be something that requires too much work and discipline to bother going for it. There are always exceptions and perhaps you would be one of them but imo it can take decades to find out for sure.

 

[Passenger4224]

I guess I'd be considered "privileged" in some ways, I have a lot going for me on paper. But the way I was born ruined everything. Huge list of mental disabilities and I'm not even the correct gender. Yippee.

It sucks how one thing can just completely destroy someone's life. For me it's genetics. For you it's addiction. :(

 

[UserFromNowhere]

Can kinda relate. I wouldn't say my mental illness doesn't affect my hopelessness, but I feel that my life has been pretty privileged compared to some people here. I didn't really get bullied or picked on in school, good grades weren't really hard to come by (half of my problems with grades just came from not wanting to do the work at all, but when I did I never had problems with it), and I have a loving family and supportive teachers/peers. Sometimes social interaction was hard for me (matter of being autistic) but I could still get along pretty well with others. I don't really worry about money or my attractiveness, the former because even in spite of my socioeconomic class I still haven't really had to worry about not being able to pay the bills of living, the latter because I've never felt or been made to feel like I'm unattractive.

All the same, I still feel depressed half the time. I'm still suicidal, I still want to die. Attempted suicide a number of times (all to varying degrees, none of which took my life) and turned to cutting to reduce the emotional pain I feel. I've taken a number of prescription medications, self-medicated with caffeine and nicotine, and even tried some illicit drugs. I don't know if any of them are helping. Certainly, I keep going through the day-by-day routine of life and I don't think I'd be able to without all the substances anymore, but I still feel this desire. Even through the midst of romantic relationships, I still feel this emotional pain and desire to die (albeit some of it may be caused by either longing for death or longing for my partner's presence).

Honestly, I'm not sure how much longer it can last. I'm not sure whether I can keep living or if each day that passes just ticks down the count to my inevitable self-induced death at some point in the future. I've made my peace with death and was completely ready to go a week ago, the only thing that stood in my way was wanting to die on a clear sky when it was raining. Maybe that indicates some predisposition for life, but I'm not sure it does insofar as just not wanting to die in a manner I did not believe was sufficient. Maybe some psychologist can do an autopsy on the mental conditions of my life after I die and come to their own conclusion. But I feel similarly in just not seeing the point in life.

 

[violetforever]

I'm just done. I feel like I've already seen all that life has to offer, and none of it has been worthwhile. The only thing that I can say is a worthy experience in life is true, romantic love. Staring into each others eyes, embracing each other. Melting into one. But I've already experienced it, and it's also been incredibly painful at times. I'd say it's more painful than pleasurable, all in all, especially if you have BPD.

Nothing excites me. Nothing is appealing. Nobody could ever bribe me with anything.

I just don't see the point. It's all too predictable, too boring. Maybe I'm just permanently altered from the drug use.

im not privileged at all and havent ever used drugs but i feel the same way as what you wrote here. maybe what im permanently altered by is abuse.