Venting to much emotional pain to handle

[grisly bear]

I'm really not doing well.
It's unbearable. I thought I was strong, but my strength is breaking.
Everything is breaking.
It hurts so damn much.
Nothing in particular. Just existing.
I just want to scream.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Fuck this shit. I just cant. I cant. I JUST CANT. Help...

I have to live because I can't burden my father with the weight of leaving.
But I don't know how long I can keep this up, and it hurts that I'm so weak.
I just want to get out, just get out.
I can't take it anymore. I JUST CANT. I Cant.... i just cant... Help me... what to do...

My body is crying because staying alive and suppressing the urge is exhausting.
It has been like that for a very long time.
And it hurts. way to much.. way to much pain.... Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
fuuuck.... just annoying piece of shit. just a loser. Just a nobody... i need to end it...i have to... i must..do it... but not today... not tommorow. and not this week.
And not even this month... fuuuuckkkk my pain will remain... and its to strong.... i just cant... i just cant....help
i miss you so much... where are you now? i miss you.... we will see us again, one day. i just need to suffer a little more. just a little bit more...
But maybe 2026 will bring us together... maybe 2027? fuuck iam scared... iam scared ... iam scared.....
every fking day. every fking week. every fking minute and every fking month.
my pain is... unbearble. and i have to be strong.... but its hard... but dont worry. i got it... i dont have any other option.
But when my body isnt crying, then my soul does, and then it hurts at least as much.
I'm simply trapped in pain...
I'm so weak and yet I have to be strong... why do I have to be strong...? My strength is fading... how many more months/years can I endure? It remains to be seen.
but i just cant. i just cant..i just cant. i just cant. Just let me die.
fuck my life... fuck my pain. just fuck it. just help...i cant.
Okay, enough venting for today. I'm strong and I have to keep going.
Maybe I'll vent again in a few weeks or months.

 

[cut.isnt.my.name]

Hey stranger! I hear you. I see you. You mentioned seeing/meeting someone again in the unforeseeable future? if you want to keep venting I'm all ears. the silent crying, which your soul does, in my opinion is even a worse experience than the letting it out. I really recommend finding an outlet for that soul crying. Could be anything really.

 

[grisly bear]

Thanks for replying.
I have already lost several people in my life, i just want to see them again. i miss them way to much... i cant...without them.... i just... cant.
And...i lost myself... i dont even know why iam crying, life isnt that hard, is it? But i cant.... iam to weak to be strong...
Once I was an empty shell of myself..."start crying they said, releasing the pain, they said...its good they said".... But why didnt tell me that it hurt so much.
This life isnt for me... iam just a wanderer.... but i cant... i cant walk... i cant run... i cant sprint... i cant even crawl.... I just can scream and cry...thats a very slow way to move forward.... but....
I lost myself in pain. Pain isnt just an emotion anymore, its part of my identity.
I just want to be an empty shell of myself again.... help... bring me back... back in time... in time where my pain was relevant.... back in time, when my suffering was unbearable too... but compared to now ..the pain back in the days are looking easy....
And iam a stupid fool. Iam a fool.
I fucking know that the Pain i feel now will become the "good all days, when everything was easier" in the future.
So i should be probably thankful.,.. But i cant.... it hurts so much.... time is running..... time isnt stoping.
This life is cruel. it hurts me... all my tears.... all the years.... and all my fears...... are nothing compared to my pain.
It isnt even worth to fight for a life... its not even worth to cry... nothing just nothing and i cant.... i cant... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Its worthless. its just pain.. its just me.. its just nothing... its just ....help....
iam scared....iam happy...iam crying....iam sad....and iam lying...
i wish my pain was a lie..... i wish...i could die....already. But i cant... iam suffering in pain.... i paint my suffering...
But... thats not even venting anymore...its just...its just...nothing...i cant..help...
And the worst part....tommorow willbe exactly the same.... the day after tommorow too....and the day after that...exactly the same......
Even my nightmares at night are relaxing and recovering compared to my pain... but thats just life.. and i cry.
Thanks for reading, if some on did... and sorry for my bad english, not my native language.. iam sorry..

 

[cut.isnt.my.name]

Thanks for replying.
I have already lost several people in my life, i just want to see them again. i miss them way to much... i cant...without them.... i just... cant.
And...i lost myself... i dont even know why iam crying, life isnt that hard, is it? But i cant.... iam to weak to be strong...
Once I was an empty shell of myself..."start crying they said, releasing the pain, they said...its good they said".... But why didnt tell me that it hurt so much.
This life isnt for me... iam just a wanderer.... but i cant... i cant walk... i cant run... i cant sprint... i cant even crawl.... I just can scream and cry...thats a very slow way to move forward.... but....
I lost myself in pain. Pain isnt just an emotion anymore, its part of my identity.
I just want to be an empty shell of myself again.... help... bring me back... back in time... in time where my pain was relevant.... back in time, when my suffering was unbearable too... but compared to now ..the pain back in the days are looking easy....
And iam a stupid fool. Iam a fool.
I fucking know that the Pain i feel now will become the "good all days, when everything was easier" in the future.
So i should be probably thankful.,.. But i cant.... it hurts so much.... time is running..... time isnt stoping.
This life is cruel. it hurts me... all my tears.... all the years.... and all my fears...... are nothing compared to my pain.
It isnt even worth to fight for a life... its not even worth to cry... nothing just nothing and i cant.... i cant... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Its worthless. its just pain.. its just me.. its just nothing... its just ....help....
iam scared....iam happy...iam crying....iam sad....and iam lying...
i wish my pain was a lie..... i wish...i could die....already. But i cant... iam suffering in pain.... i paint my suffering...
But... thats not even venting anymore...its just...its just...nothing...i cant..help...
And the worst part....tommorow willbe exactly the same.... the day after tommorow too....and the day after that...exactly the same......
Even my nightmares at night are relaxing and recovering compared to my pain... but thats just life.. and i cry.
Thanks for reading, if some on did... and sorry for my bad english, not my native language.. iam sorry..

I really am so sorry for your loss and I hope you heal. I know those words are probably worth not that much and may just be a whisper in your mind but nonetheless I hope they still reach you.

Life is hard, extremely even. Honestly who would not cry at this life. You are absolutely valid for crying, even if for no specific reason. I believe your cries will be heard.

A slow way to move forward indeed, but still moving forward. This alone, the achievement of moving forward is a very respectable aspect. I respect you so deeply for still moving to this very second.

In pain one is easily lost. It becomes overbearing quickly and out of nowhere. Like a big wave consuming you whole. But just like every wave it rolls over and passes. Even if it sometimes leaves marks.

it is worth fighting and crying for you are no longer screaming into the void. I have heard you. Might not seem much but I will consume your tears like a sponge and listen with an open mind.

If every day to come is exactly the same and this never ending loop hurts you. Maybe it is time to break the cycle. Change something.

I will read your messages as long as you need. And do not even worry about your english. It is very good.

 

[grisly bear]

I really am so sorry for your loss and I hope you heal. I know those words are probably worth not that much and may just be a whisper in your mind but nonetheless I hope they still reach you.

Life is hard, extremely even. Honestly who would not cry at this life. You are absolutely valid for crying, even if for no specific reason. I believe your cries will be heard.

A slow way to move forward indeed, but still moving forward. This alone, the achievement of moving forward is a very respectable aspect. I respect you so deeply for still moving to this very second.

In pain one is easily lost. It becomes overbearing quickly and out of nowhere. Like a big wave consuming you whole. But just like every wave it rolls over and passes. Even if it sometimes leaves marks.

it is worth fighting and crying for you are no longer screaming into the void. I have heard you. Might not seem much but I will consume your tears like a sponge and listen with an open mind.

If every day to come is exactly the same and this never ending loop hurts you. Maybe it is time to break the cycle. Change something.

I will read your messages as long as you need. And do not even worry about your english. It is very good.

Thanks for your words, appreciate it.
Unfortunly i dont want to heal anymore. (Beside the fact that my pain incurable)
Healing = staying alive for a longer period of time.
More time = more pain.
There is only one Solution to stop my pain.
And my cries won't be heard by anyone.
Only the harsh wind hitting my face will remember my tears and carry them away.
Unlucky enough, the harsh wind is the reason I am in tears.
Iam not moving forward... iam not... iam just...gasping for air.
And the Big wave wont roll over me and pass... iam the wave. iam the pain. my existence is the pain itself.
And i appreciate that you are hearing me and listen to me... really appreciate it.
The Circle (better said: my own perception of it) cant only be broken when i put on my last smile, when my last tear is shed, when my last breath is taken.
The Problem is the existence of the circle. Iam not only crying for myself. Iam also crying for the world, for every lost soul in this world.
My pain isnt reduced to my inner pain... The existence of pain in general is the problem. As long as one single soul is suffering in this world...i will suffer.
Fuck everything...when there is the option to take every pain from everyone,... iam here.. give me all that pain... bring me into hell, let me scream and cry... i dont mind.
My life is reason enough to end my life subscription..
But all the pain in this world destroys my soul. Its not my own circle. Its the circle of life.
And i just cant... iam just a useless viewer crying and screaming.

 

[grisly bear]

Take me away...pls take me away..this is not okay.
its just not okay...its just pain... its not okay....
its cold without you in this world....but my soul is burning....no heat..just pain.
this is not bearable anymore....let me sleep..let me dream forever..please.. how..am i supposed....tell me how...
how am i supposed to..... please... aaaaaaaaaahh. is this even named pain anymore...is it? am i just weak? am i?
i hate my tears right now, they are so annoying - feeling like razorblades.....
i cant... please hug me one last time.... please give me one last smile....please let me hear your voice one more time.
helpppp.. i cant anymore... i miss you... i will meet you again....i just need to stay in this world..in my pain...for a littlebit longer....i cant go...
why cant i just go....why do I have to be considerate...why do i have to suffer...so you dont?...please just let me die.... please....i cant...this pain is not okay.
i just want to go...i wanna dream...i wanna die...i want to live and i wanna see everyone again....but i cant...there is no option not to suffer.
i dont wanna die..but i have to...the pain is to strong...
i just wanna die... but i cant...their grief would be to strong...
it is hurting....the pain consumes me .... i wanna cut my arms open...not to die...just for some relief....but i cant...
i cant do anything... iam trapped like a trapped man in a trapped world.... iam just trapped....where is the door...where is my life....where is my time....where am i?
all the time went by...all the years...and it hurts.....i never lived...i never had a life...i never had anything just pain... AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaahhh
i cant...iam allreay down pls bring me down under...i cant anymore...all this suffering...my last words to you were: 'take care'... you replied: 'do better.'
and.... am i doing better? am i...... i will do as good as you and follow you...please just wait a littlebit more...but i will follow you...
there is no easy way out....i try my best...to keep fighting...i try my best...to destroy myself...just to feel close to you...but i cant harm myself...without bringing tears to others...i suffering in silence....i cant do this...ahhhhh... i miss you and - 'A.' i love you. ....i miss all of you..... And 'R.' iam not mad at you... same applies to you 'A.' its fine...
i can understand it...i can see it..i can feel it...i allways could....but iam here alone......without you....what am i supposed you....i cant go...i cant follow....my dad...i can not make him grieve.....he would visit my grave every day.... i just cant..... that means... i have to keep suffering...and have to stay alive....but i cant stay alive......i have to killmyself but i cant... i have to stay alive but i cant... i cant..do anything....but suffer....my pain is ....AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa,,,help... please...i want to be an empty shell of myself....
AAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhh... my soul is suffering.....no escape..no way out.... i cant.. i just cant anymore...