beyondthestars
Hello dear people ❤️
- Mar 14, 2021
- 36
I've been here for a little over 5 years. In the beginning I still thought things would get better and made some optimistic, forward looking posts on here. But I'm too isolated, have too little support and things have only gotten worse in the end.
Looking at my methods, they all get reasons mentioned why they shouldn't be attempted. I guess I'll have to pick on of them, and just take the risk:
1. Winter swimming
I often swim (shortly) in winter. It's amazing. One of these days I can take a lot of the sedatives that are available to me:
* high dose of benzos
* dose of alcohol
* dose of quetiapine
* dose of some others meds with similiar working mechanism
* dose of ketamine & some other dissociatives
And just hope that I'll be knocked out too much, to feel much, before I dissapear under teh deep.
2. Hanging
Sounds quite complicated to do it well. I imagine just picking a tree which is already hanging over a cliff. Make the side-knot + long drop, and hope it goes quickly. If not, well some slow strangulation still beats 3 more decades of endlessly suffering ptsd flashbacks & nightmares, intense anxiety, sensory overwhelm, panic attacks, social isolation and not being able to leave the house...
3. Just a jump of the cliff, in a hidden location. Probably take the same amount of tranquilisers as in (1), just hoping to take the edge of the pain.
4. Overdose Heroine. Would still need to source it, which is not that hard, but I'm also lazy.
All risky, and not recommended according to various posts around here. But at some point I just got to catch that bus.
Childhood was hell. Adulthood with untreated trauma has been more hell. Moments of relief, connection and joy - they have been there, yet they have been few. Right now I really don't see how I'd out of there, without very regular home visits by empathetic, tuned in friends. Something I lost a long time ago. The people I know have no words for this or empathy. The connections feels so, so shallow.
Looking at my methods, they all get reasons mentioned why they shouldn't be attempted. I guess I'll have to pick on of them, and just take the risk:
1. Winter swimming
I often swim (shortly) in winter. It's amazing. One of these days I can take a lot of the sedatives that are available to me:
* high dose of benzos
* dose of alcohol
* dose of quetiapine
* dose of some others meds with similiar working mechanism
* dose of ketamine & some other dissociatives
And just hope that I'll be knocked out too much, to feel much, before I dissapear under teh deep.
2. Hanging
Sounds quite complicated to do it well. I imagine just picking a tree which is already hanging over a cliff. Make the side-knot + long drop, and hope it goes quickly. If not, well some slow strangulation still beats 3 more decades of endlessly suffering ptsd flashbacks & nightmares, intense anxiety, sensory overwhelm, panic attacks, social isolation and not being able to leave the house...
3. Just a jump of the cliff, in a hidden location. Probably take the same amount of tranquilisers as in (1), just hoping to take the edge of the pain.
4. Overdose Heroine. Would still need to source it, which is not that hard, but I'm also lazy.
All risky, and not recommended according to various posts around here. But at some point I just got to catch that bus.
Childhood was hell. Adulthood with untreated trauma has been more hell. Moments of relief, connection and joy - they have been there, yet they have been few. Right now I really don't see how I'd out of there, without very regular home visits by empathetic, tuned in friends. Something I lost a long time ago. The people I know have no words for this or empathy. The connections feels so, so shallow.
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