Discussion Thoughts on ideation

[pinapellicer]

We're suicidal because we feel suicidal. Thinking about the reasons why i'm suicidal, there are some big underlying reasons and some small silly reasons. But some moments i'm more suicidal than others, even tho my reasons stay the same. What changes is the feeling of ideation.

Maybe the feeling of ideation is the cause. This is more so clear when i feel strong ideation over silly reasons. It more so feels like the strong ideation makes small things seem like reasons to kill myself. Maybe a sideways comment someone made to me feels like a reason to kill myself because i'm already feeling ideation, and not the comment being an actual reason, and maybe that's the case for all the reasons.

I know first there had to be a reason to set off the ideation, but maybe it's not the case anymore.

Anyway i know everybody is not going to relate to this, just some thoughts i had.

 

[Forever Sleep]

That does make sense. I expect it applies to depression too and the whole idea of the straw that breaks the camel's back. I think someone can become depressed and/ or experience ideation for specific, genuine reasons. But- when in that mindset already, any new thing that happens- even something minor- can feel overwhelming.

I think it can be (morbidly) fascinating for those of us who have experienced ideation long- term. Mine began when I was ten- because of an experience with a family member. Thankfully, we no longer have anything to do with one another. So, I can't honestly say they are the reason I want to die now. Still- that tendency towards ideation never left me. So- would I have continued to slip into ideation if I hadn't to begin with?

I've always suspected that ideation was similar to that terrific line in 'The Matrix': 'Like a splinter in your mind.' Something buried there that you can't get rid of and that you continue to return to.

I also have a suspicion that contemplating actually suiciding requires a bunch of mental gymnastics. To overcome the social, religious, familial and biological prohibition of it. So- when all those boundaries are beaten down- I tend to think it's an idea/ option we find it easier to return to.

 

[ctb_warrior]

We're suicidal because we feel suicidal. Thinking about the reasons why i'm suicidal, there are some big underlying reasons and some small silly reasons. But some moments i'm more suicidal than others, even tho my reasons stay the same. What changes is the feeling of ideation.

Maybe the feeling of ideation is the cause. This is more so clear when i feel strong ideation over silly reasons. It more so feels like the strong ideation makes small things seem like reasons to kill myself. Maybe a sideways comment someone made to me feels like a reason to kill myself because i'm already feeling ideation, and not the comment being an actual reason, and maybe that's the case for all the reasons.

I know first there had to be a reason to set off the ideation, but maybe it's not the case anymore.

Anyway i know everybody is not going to relate to this, just some thoughts i had.

It's a good thing that you shared your thoughts.
In my case, it was the hurt that caused me to become suicidal. Now, I'm not even depressed, but I am suicidal. In this very moment, there's no reason for me to CTB but just a conscious decision to choose peace over endless rut.
And the challenge with me is, i live with my family, so i cannot really bring anything suspicious, any object or chemical. It'll get seized. I need a method that's fast so i don't get medical help before i depart, and should have negligible setup so i can quickly execute it.