Venting Thought I was getting better but I nearly killed myself the other day

[sourcreamonion]

I thought I was getting better, I honestly thought that the quarantine was helping me fix on my mental health, and so I tried to stay away from this site. But I guess I was trying to trick myself into thinking that, everything came crashing down the other day out of nowhere.

I had the worst freakout in history. One thing got to me and I started breaking down in tears and started to cut myself before I could even stop it, there was so much blood and nearly passed out, I thought I was going to have to call an ambulance. And I'm sorry, I know this sounds gross, I don't know where else to vent this. I keep taking sleeping pills to knock myself out whenever I wake up and eat, do my basic necessities because I'm scared of doing anything, or see anyone. My semester is starting soon and I don't know if I can take it. I don't know if this will be my somewhat goodbye letter or I'll stick it out to make an official one, I'm just so tired.

 

[mediocre]

I feel for you I am exactly the same.. I've been having panic attacks.. knowing i am stuck in this body has become too much. I take pills to knock me out too but then I wake up in a panic again.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I've had many situations like this. It feels like a cruel joke honestly, thinking that I'm doing something right and then realizing that I never really got anywhere.

If there's one comforting thing I can say it's that any progress you feel you made is still real and valid. If you went a while without suicidal thoughts that's an achievement; don't let the return of depressive thoughts distract you from the accomplishments you did make. Even if you ultimately decide to ctb you do deserve to take pride in the steps you did make.

 

[sourcreamonion]

I've had many situations like this. It feels like a cruel joke honestly, thinking that I'm doing something right and then realizing that I never really got anywhere.

If there's one comforting thing I can say it's that any progress you feel you made is still real and valid. If you went a while without suicidal thoughts that's an achievement; don't let the return of depressive thoughts distract you from the accomplishments you did make. Even if you ultimately decide to ctb you do deserve to take pride in the steps you did make.

Thank you for this, it's really nice to hear that It wasn't for nothing. I think I tried my best in the endgame so that's all that matters.