Those who have constant ctb thoughts do you

[hoping to lose hope]

do you ever have moments when the thoughts are not running through your head and then they come back and you remember you are meant to kill yourself?
I have OCD but have overcome the rituals largely somehow over the years but are left with self harm and suicide thoughts which are like white noise.
Anyone else relate to this?

It gets tiring and I have a other mental issues which compound as I know a lot of us do and it honestly is annoying having thoughts pop into my head constantly so sometimes I yell out I will kill myself to try get it to stop but usually music helps me.
I consciously think of dying as well. Guess I wanted to know if others relate to this.

 

[umbrellaphone]

Yes, I do relate. The thoughts are almost haunting. I don't like music though, so my only escape is sleep, all the while hoping I won't ever wake up again, but of course I'm not that lucky.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

Yes, I do relate. The thoughts are almost haunting. I don't like music though, so my only escape is sleep, all the while hoping I won't ever wake up again, but of course I'm not that lucky.

That is a real shame you do not enjoy any music...

 

[Nyvu]

I suffer from a mild to severe form of OCD myself and honestly my racing thoughts have become second nature to me. I never even realized that other people don't experience this and don't have a constant stream of involuntary mental noise. Largely I guess because it doesn't bother me much. My OCD mainly stems from fear and anxiety and thoughts I try to deliberately avoid but that doesn't happen with suicide since I kind of romanticize it. It's like this reminder that I can liberate myself from my suffering at any given moment so my OCD doesn't act up on it.

Though I still engage in rituals to an extent. I have to imagine myself being filled with white light and the darkness within me being driven out by it like every 4-5 minutes or so, if I don't do that, I get an intense feeling of dread that is difficult to overcome. Sounds like insanity at first I guess to do it at such a pace but I don't even notice that I do it most of the time.

Also I would've been dead a long time ago likely if it wasn't for music. My passion for metal is likely the only thing still keeping me here, fortunately or not.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

I have to imagine myself being filled with white light and the darkness within me being driven out by it

So you visualze this or imagine it? I am asking as curious how much of it is describing a thought you enact and how much is some type of imaginative process.
Suicide as an idea is a refuge it really allows us to have some sense of control :3

I love music what metal are you into? I am not one to actively listen to fast metal these days but adore slower metal.
Do you like planning for burial? Jesu or Nadja?

 

[Nyvu]

So you visualze this or imagine it? I am asking as curious how much of it is describing a thought you enact and how much is some type of imaginative process.

I visualize it. The visuals change every month or so. Like a month ago it used to be a tap on the chest that triggered a wave of light that filled my body. This time I visualize lifting a finger and with it an explosion of light at the tip of it that engulfs my body. My OCD kind of treats that process as directly affecting my being so it puts my mind at ease every time it's enacted.

I haven't heard of those bands unfortunately. I'm into folk, melodic death, black, and sometimes deathcore. Though lately I've been exploring witch house once again, I rarely get into electronic music but when I do, it's a phase that lasts a while.