This weekend, calm, and glad SS not down

[tiredxillenial]

Have not been able to connect to SS for a long ass time. Thought the site was taken down. So glad it's not. This site is what has kept me going the most actually

Anyhow this weekend (Sunday or Monday, which is a federal holiday in the States) is the day. I have access to peaceful means and have truly exhausted all possible treatment options. Known this is what it is for a few days and feel calm and relaxed. Not depressed. Have good energy actually.

Wrote first "fuck you" killed self email for autosend after the fact earlier today. Gonna do a goddamn fucking press release as suicide note tomorrow and set it for auto send Monday pm. Calling the un healthcare system out for neglect and abuse. Same with a Facebook post to friends and few other assorted messages- writing and setting up autosends that is.


Really really glad to have some resolution and a clear plan. Tired. Want to tonight but holding off for those other posts.

Just wanted to share. This feels really really attainable to me and that is what is best for me and I feel very at peace with it.

 

[tiredxillenial]

After several days of great progress with things like cleaning so I don't leave such a mess, I've hit stagnation today and tonight was supposed to be my time. I just have to write two things but it's too much effort right now. Could be because it's raining today and my strength is sapped. I think I can do it all tomorrow though. Might be better because recycling is on Wednesday so if I put my journals out in my recycling tomorrow night, it's more likely that they'll be picked up for recycling before I'm discovered. Logistics. Sigh. Ok so tomorrow it is. Wish I could draft tonight so I can read tomorrow. Guess you gotta do these things when you have time and focus though. I'm glad about the cleaning I've done at least. If I can just get the same energy I had this weekend tomorrow I'll be good. There is nothing or no one that will stop me (just delay me due to low energy) The writing has been on the wall and this really is what needs to happen after I can write my last two danged pieces. Ugh.

 

[tiredxillenial]

Still here. Got thrown off by an urgent work request on a project I thought was off my plate. It threw me off because it was unplanned. Figured I could do it yesterday but got thrown off also by more unexpected stuff and didn't get to the pharmacy to get my new benzo script, which I'd likely add to my methods mix. Did work on my press release some yesterday though and think I can finish it tonight, leaving just my Facebook pre post to write, writen material to sneak into a random recycling bin, and books to leave at my therapist's.

I don't expect anything to come of a press release but I do want to name my death as a murder due to medical negligence and name a few of my killers specifically. I expect it will be ignored because that is always what happens when I raise an issue and explain why it matters to the well-being and ability to live of others, but it is in line with the principles of who I would have wanted to be.

So I will get my Benzo tonight, work on my texts, and do a few other assorted things. Tomorrow I will clean my kitchen and hopefully finalize my press release and Facebook pre post. I can then plan my when in more detail, plan to drop those books, and set up my pre sends and posts. Got to get the timing right so nothing goes up or out until afterwards. The more of these little logistics things I can do each day, the more ready I 'll be to act within a few days.