This place is really triggering

[Cloud Busting]

I can already see what people are typing before I hit the post button. "Why post here then?"

When I was first here, it was like an oasis. Broadcasting thoughts I felt uncomfortable sharing, feeling like I could be myself for once. It was like a high.

Now I come here and I feel mostly shame and grief and paranoia and fear and horror and of course I feel guilty for feeling that way and selfish

Maybe I just don't post in the recovery section enough

 

[CleanGopher]

I can already see what people are typing before I hit the post button. "Why post here then?"

When I was first here, it was like an oasis. Broadcasting thoughts I felt uncomfortable sharing, feeling like I could be myself for once. It was like a high.

Now I come here and I feel mostly shame and grief and paranoia and fear and horror and of course I feel guilty for feeling that way and selfish

Maybe I just don't post in the recovery section enough

It's not that big of a deal, everyone's feelings are valid and matter, don't overthink it mate

 

[hurts2b]

It's not just you. This space is one designed for people in the dredges of hopelessness and mental illness. Who. Want permission to self destruct. Or who, at least, haven't written off death as an option. Most people leave this site to recover. It is absolutely. A triggering place to be for someone who is committed to getting better (or not getting worse). Nothing wrong with being upset by. Upsetting things.

 

[EternalShore]

if this website makes you feel that way, I wouldn't recommend staying or just sticking more so to Off-topic/Recovery/the private board like you suggested, so you can enjoy your life more and feel better with fewer things that make you upset~ :)

Regulating your environment a fair bit by ignoring particularly inflammatory individuals can help too~ altho, ofc, more always come, but it does help some~

 

[thereishope220]

When I was first here, it was like an oasis. Broadcasting thoughts I felt uncomfortable sharing, feeling like I could be myself for once. It was like a high.

Now I come here and I feel mostly shame and grief and paranoia and fear

Described it perfectly lol

 

[Cloud Busting]

It's not that big of a deal, everyone's feelings are valid and matter, don't overthink it mate

I worry the feelings of others are invalidated by my feelings LOL

It's not just you. This space is one designed for people in the dredges of hopelessness and mental illness. Who. Want permission to self destruct. Or who, at least, haven't written off death as an option. Most people leave this site to recover. It is absolutely. A triggering place to be for someone who is committed to getting better (or not getting worse). Nothing wrong with being upset by. Upsetting things.

Recovery spaces are difficult for me. I don't sell a story of hope, I don't have any recovery goals, it's just a journey a ride. I'm dark. I'm cynical. I just want to share my experiences, that's all. I don't want advice or a competition of who's recovering the fastest. I see people say they just love their therapist and look forward to going whereas I dread every session. If I wasn't in love with my supportive bf and I didn't get charged a fee for a no call no show I wouldn't have stuck with it I'd drop it by now.

Yeah… most recovery spaces and mental health places…. I don't belong

Yet I get triggered here! I've created my own friendly space on discord mostly I was on discord and was rarely here for awhile. But I have ties here… I broadcasted my attempt here, some of my old friends from the ribbon days are here. I feel like I owe it to the community. I feel like I'm being disturbed by people in need and it pains me. I don't know. I'm turning a blind eye to ppl who deserve to be listened to who are ignored all alone for my own selfish whims. lol

@EternalShore

Good advice. It's been suggested to me. But it's hard to ignore inflammatory comments… they need to be stopped…

Yeah I have a savior complex

I can't help others until I give myself what I need. Gonna start doing that (:

 

[SASU-KE]

Good advice. It's been suggested to me. But it's hard to ignore inflammatory comments… they need to be stopped…

Yeah I have a savior complex

I can't help others until I give myself what I need. Gonna start doing that (:

I can't help but recall the conversation you had in one thread

I was actually thinking the exact same thing at the time, but I didn't want to get in the middle. You didn't do anything wrong, but there was quite some hostility from the other party. And even though you tried to settle them down, that was only met with even more hostility.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I can't help but recall the conversation you had in one thread

I was actually thinking the exact same thing at the time, but I didn't want to get in the middle. You didn't do anything wrong, but there was quite some hostility from the other party. And even though you tried to settle them down, that was only met with even more hostility.

Feel free to pm me I don't remember this lol but sounds about right

Thanks for the advice I'd of written you off as an idiot sheeple you were right to not get in the middle

It is so kind of you to wait until I'm ready to hear something

Can you tell, even if my mind is still a dumpster fire, that I've come a long way?

 

[SASU-KE]

Feel free to pm me I don't remember this lol but sounds about right

There was a possum involved

Thanks for the advice I'd of written you off as an idiot sheeple you were right to not get in the middle

It is so kind of you to wait until I'm ready to hear something

Can you tell, even if my mind is still a dumpster fire, that I've come a long way?

No, honestly, there are many people who can be stand offish.You were kind and trying to provide some good input, but the discussion went south regardless.

Sometimes even the best intentions can't do much good.

 

[Cloud Busting]

There was a possum involved

No, honestly, there are many people who can be stand offish.You were kind and trying to provide some good input, but the discussion went south regardless.

Sometimes even the best intentions can't do much good.

I recall me trying to argue with ppl who were pro eugenics oh dear lord

I've done this quite a few times but the poor little possum did pop into my mind she was last seen in June hadn't posted since may she was banned from Reddit really needing support and she disappeared and I hope she's alright and safe like did I scare off a vulnerable person in need


Here I am once again worrying about internet strangers more than myself

I feel so numb and detached from myself idek who I am it's easier to save others but you can only save yourself and you cause more trauma hurting rather than healing

I feel selfish and guilty when I don't help others

Gotta get over this savior complex dawg it's why I tried to kill mysekf and made a good bye thread in first place

 

[SASU-KE]

I've done this quite a few times but the poor little possum did pop into my mind she was last seen in June hadn't posted since may she was banned from Reddit really needing support and she disappeared and I hope she's alright and safe like did I scare off a vulnerable person in need

I honestly laughed so hard at the point when you said you're leaving and then came back and gave hugs for almost every post

Of course you didn't say you won't be returning.

I'm not poking fun at you, I'm just saying your easy going and that's a good thing. I too try being jovial as much as I can , but sometimes some people get angry or think that I'm not sad or depressed enough.Well I try to be as upbeat as possible.

Don't stop being yourself. You're being kind, even when people retreat from you or even turn hostile.That's a rare trait. But of course, not at the cost of your own sanity.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I honestly laughed so hard at the point when you said you're leaving and then came back and gave hugs for almost every post

Of course you didn't say you won't be returning.

I'm not poking fun at you, I'm just saying your easy going and that's a good thing. I too try being jovial as much as I can , but sometimes some people get angry or think that I'm not sad or depressed enough.Well I try to be as upbeat as possible.

Don't stop being yourself. You're being kind, even when people retreat from you or even turn hostile.That's a rare trait. But of course, not at the cost of your own sanity.

Dude don't worry I was feeling so much pain and grief thinking about that thread… oh my I think it triggered sexual traumas… and drug use stories and my moms own drug use and prostitution she relapsed into when I was only 11… yeah

A person clearly struggling, I tried so hard to help, they felt judged and scorned and hated, I felt so awful, I just wanted to help them…

So you laughing made it less painful! Lmfao thank you!

Because of my easy going just roll with it personality, not only do I get taken advantage of a lot, I piss everyone off! It's not just here, recovery spaces too! I'm not wanted anywhere

I know I'm not the only person in search of nuance but the voices from people with more absolutist and fixated ways of structuring the world always get more attention and they end up being the most popular story and the dominating narrative and then I feel like I don't fit in anywhere once again…

Always feeling pressured to agree to take a side… I can never have fun.

The flip side is because I'm so live and let live comments thst would offend a lot other people make me laugh. I'm a god damn clown make fun of me that's my job.

It's like my god some people just take life way too seriously! It's a joke, it's a fucked up violent wasteland and we die anyway without consenting to be born why take certain stupid things sooooo seriously fucking laugh it's all you can do idgaf if I'm insensitive for joking about "serious topics"

Idk a lot of people… do not like me, they don't think I'm kind, they think I'm an insensitive asshole who jokes about stuff I shouldn't joke about or I'm too detached and clinical

My mother especially could not stand my personality. She wanted a hard working ambitious cheerleader wanting to bag a rich one…. I wanted to explore and be free!

That you understand me, that you like my vibe thank you it's easier to remember your detractors than your supporters

I've been told so often to change… especially because I come across as pushy cuz I wanna solve issues right away if I think someone is lying or bs i ask questions…. I don't go along with what people want to hear….

But I will be me cuz I'm awesome cool curious and fun but I will be me for me cuz I've definitely made myself go crazy trying to rescue and save others to feel worthy… oh dear

This long wtf I'm sorry

Sing me 2 sleep

 

[SASU-KE]

Dude don't worry I was feeling so much pain and grief thinking about that thread… oh my I think it triggered sexual traumas… and drug use stories and my moms own drug use and prostitution she relapsed into when I was only 11… yeah

A person clearly struggling, I tried so hard to help, they felt judged and scorned and hated, I felt so awful, I just wanted to help them…

So you laughing made it less painful! Lmfao thank you!

Because of my easy going just roll with it personality, not only do I get taken advantage of a lot, I piss everyone off! It's not just here, recovery spaces too! I'm not wanted anywhere

I know I'm not the only person in search of nuance but the voices from people with more absolutist and fixated ways of structuring the world always get more attention and they end up being the most popular story and the dominating narrative and then I feel like I don't fit in anywhere once again…

Always feeling pressured to agree to take a side… I can never have fun.

To be honest, I was surprised that you weren't seen as a kindred spirit in that thread.Some people are too damaged, I guess, to find camaraderie with anyone.

The flip side is because I'm so live and let live comments thst would offend a lot other people make me laugh. I'm a god damn clown make fun of me that's my job.

It's like my god some people just take life way too seriously! It's a joke, it's a fucked up violent to that the wasteland and we die anyway without consenting to be born why take certain stupid things sooooo seriously fucking laugh it's all you can do idgaf if I'm insensitive for joking about "serious topics"

Idk a lot of people… do not like me, they don't think I'm kind, they think I'm an insensitive asshole who jokes about stuff I shouldn't joke about or I'm too detached and clinical

Sometimes it can seem like that. For example, when you came back to that thread later, some people might have assumed you were mocking her with the emojis?But it didn't seem like that to me.

I knew you were trying to reconcile but she wasn't having it

My mother especially could not stand my personality. She wanted a hard working ambitious cheerleader wanting to bag a rich one…. I wanted to explore and be free!

That you understand me, that you like my vibe thank you it's easier to remember your detractors than your supporters

I've been told so often to change… especially because I come across as pushy cuz I wanna solve issues right away if I think someone is lying or bs i ask questions…. I don't go along with what people want to hear….

But I will be me cuz I'm awesome cool curious and fun but I will be me for me cuz I've definitely made myself go crazy trying to rescue and save others to feel worthy… oh dear

This long wtf I'm sorry

Sing me 2 sleep

You can continue being you . You're doing awesome.

Every single person has supporters and detractors. No matter how you behave, there will be people who don't like it or you but if you can help even a single person that's phenomenal.

 

[-Link-]

@Cloud Busting you're coming up on three years as a member here. I've noticed a lot of longer-term members (self included) reach a point where this forum becomes something different for them. I'm not sure how to define it, but it just becomes different. Different from what most members experience and different from where most members are in their own mindsets.

For people who stay here over the long term, it's almost as if they/we feel out of place, or something -- a constant in an ever-changing landscape, or rather a constant in a group of people that otherwise has a remarkably high turnover rate. This could manifest in different ways, and I feel like maybe this could be playing into what you're talking about here(?), and if so, you'd be far from alone in this. It doesn't change or get better, but given enough time, you do kind of get used to it.

That's only one aspect that could be playing into this. More generally speaking, it sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be something/someone according to whatever the other person (in a given interaction) needs/wants/expects. This can come at a high cost. You're going to have detractors either way, so you'd might as well just be "you" (or the closest to "you" as can be) and let the detractors do their thing while focusing on the people who are hearing you and appreciating you 'for you'.

Any time you get a positive comment or positive feedback (not just here, but life in general), take it to heart and commit it to memory. For every positive comment, know there are many others going unvoiced. A single positive comment will generally be representative of many (unvoiced) positives, whereas a single negative comment represents a much smaller comparative number. So, any time you've got a couple detractors doing their thing and only one or two positives happening, remember how much those positives represent and how much weight they carry.

 

[Cloud Busting]

@Cloud Busting you're coming up on three years as a member here. I've noticed a lot of longer-term members (self included) reach a point where this forum becomes something different for them. I'm not sure how to define it, but it just becomes different. Different from what most members experience and different from where most members are in their own mindsets.

For people who stay here over the long term, it's almost as if they/we feel out of place, or something -- a constant in an ever-changing landscape, or rather a constant in a group of people that otherwise has a remarkably high turnover rate. This could manifest in different ways, and I feel like maybe this could be playing into what you're talking about here(?), and if so, you'd be far from alone in this. It doesn't change or get better, but given enough time, you do kind of get used to it.

That's only one aspect that could be playing into this. More generally speaking, it sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be something/someone according to whatever the other person (in a given interaction) needs/wants/expects. This can come at a high cost. You're going to have detractors either way, so you'd might as well just be "you" (or the closest to "you" as can be) and let the detractors do their thing while focusing on the people who are hearing you and appreciating you 'for you'.

Any time you get a positive comment or positive feedback (not just here, but life in general), take it to heart and commit it to memory. For every positive comment, know there are many others going unvoiced. A single positive comment will generally be representative of many (unvoiced) positives, whereas a single negative comment represents a much smaller comparative number. So, any time you've got a couple detractors doing their thing and only one or two positives happening, remember how much those positives represent and how much weight they carry.

It doesn't feel safe to be me, anywhere I go I just feel like I don't belong. I don't belong in recovery spaces, I don't belong here, where do I go?

I'd rather try to save people from the innocence I lost…

Then know the real me cuz I'm so shut off from my psyche I'd rather consume others souls cuz mine be empty and lifeless

Also fyi I actually was here since sometime in 2021, came back in July 2023, if I didn't make a goodbye thread on an old account and document my plans in real time for a week or so and then fail and come back almost 2 weeks later feeling guilty… and have ppl support me abd happy im still here

I wouldn't be here. I feel the need to undue the damage I caused I guess