The Most probable advices people give are "Don't Think", "You'll get better", "Time Heals", "Better Times are coming"
Like everything will magically get better..
I have always loved everyone in my life, And I always ended up giving people clean chits. And Walked away...
It actually became repressed emotional abuse and Unresolved trauma for me. But This time, I said enough is enough, Loyalty should hold value. Promises should be honoured. And If we don't solve the mess, it'll always be a festering wound.
But trying to solve it, I was just pushed into more torment. A Dark place.
Maybe I was afraid I'll create a monster inside of me. Someone, something I'm not. And let it lose on everything I've touched. That's why I wanted to Let it Flow. The accusations were a necessary part in it. The Only tine I ever tried to Tell someone I deeply loved of how it felt and to solve it.
I never said this in words, But I realise a couple of things.
The more toment, abuse and trauma I experience, The more something inside of enrages.
Like a Monster trying to break the shackles.
I don't want ti become something I'm not. Not a Monster without Empathy and compassion.
I'm not perfect, but I acknowledge what I do and with good intentions. And Will work forever to solve it.
The people telling me to become a Selfish version of myself, doesn't work.
I'd rather not exist than become a Monster. That's what I tell myself. And it is better. There's no way to make someone else feel What and how I feel. Because without Empathy, no one can know what really suits me. And I don't want to make anyone experience what I did anyway.
It's like a Stalemate.
Is it worth becoming a Monster?
Adding to the Absurdity of an Already Absurd world.
The most prominent Existentialist, Camus said himself, To die by own hands is just adding to the Absurdity of Existence.
But which one is more Absurd?
To risk everyone around me?
Or to Let go and Make Peace with Eternal Slumber?
I ask myself.. daily.
My body and Mind are signaling me that something is terribly wrong.
While I scream for help, everyone is trying to force me to be Okay with what happened.
It makes me grow ever closer to an Implosion within myself. I am afraid it'll hurt others more than myself.
That's why I said that day, I have alittle dignity left. Let me leave while I have a spec of Sanity left.
Maybe most don't realise how much it has affected me. This incident is but a Trigger. We tell someone our deepest darkest secrets. And they Walk all over it.. It destroys us. The Empty promises, the disloyal acts, Apathetic flip of behaviour.. it all comes to mind.
And yet I know I'd give them another chance, but what I am I becoming? At what cost?
I ask myself.. Is it worth it?
Like everything will magically get better..
I have always loved everyone in my life, And I always ended up giving people clean chits. And Walked away...
It actually became repressed emotional abuse and Unresolved trauma for me. But This time, I said enough is enough, Loyalty should hold value. Promises should be honoured. And If we don't solve the mess, it'll always be a festering wound.
But trying to solve it, I was just pushed into more torment. A Dark place.
Maybe I was afraid I'll create a monster inside of me. Someone, something I'm not. And let it lose on everything I've touched. That's why I wanted to Let it Flow. The accusations were a necessary part in it. The Only tine I ever tried to Tell someone I deeply loved of how it felt and to solve it.
I never said this in words, But I realise a couple of things.
The more toment, abuse and trauma I experience, The more something inside of enrages.
Like a Monster trying to break the shackles.
I don't want ti become something I'm not. Not a Monster without Empathy and compassion.
I'm not perfect, but I acknowledge what I do and with good intentions. And Will work forever to solve it.
The people telling me to become a Selfish version of myself, doesn't work.
I'd rather not exist than become a Monster. That's what I tell myself. And it is better. There's no way to make someone else feel What and how I feel. Because without Empathy, no one can know what really suits me. And I don't want to make anyone experience what I did anyway.
It's like a Stalemate.
Is it worth becoming a Monster?
Adding to the Absurdity of an Already Absurd world.
The most prominent Existentialist, Camus said himself, To die by own hands is just adding to the Absurdity of Existence.
But which one is more Absurd?
To risk everyone around me?
Or to Let go and Make Peace with Eternal Slumber?
I ask myself.. daily.
My body and Mind are signaling me that something is terribly wrong.
While I scream for help, everyone is trying to force me to be Okay with what happened.
It makes me grow ever closer to an Implosion within myself. I am afraid it'll hurt others more than myself.
That's why I said that day, I have alittle dignity left. Let me leave while I have a spec of Sanity left.
Maybe most don't realise how much it has affected me. This incident is but a Trigger. We tell someone our deepest darkest secrets. And they Walk all over it.. It destroys us. The Empty promises, the disloyal acts, Apathetic flip of behaviour.. it all comes to mind.
And yet I know I'd give them another chance, but what I am I becoming? At what cost?
I ask myself.. Is it worth it?
