Thinking About Moving the Date Up

[Celerity]

About 6 months ago, I made a bargain with myself that I had to wait and meet a certain number of conditions before I CTB. Some were very practical such as making arrangements for my cremation so that my family doesn't have to worry about it. Others were an attempt to give life another shake and see if things improve. I plan/planned to apply to PA school.

But what is really the point in waiting? I'm doing things like signing up for dental appointments wondering why the fuck I'm wasting my time. Why take care of a body I'm just going to shoot dead in a few short years? I guess to make my remaining time more livable?

I can have my method sorted in 2 weeks tops. I could be dead in my car with a bullet in my brain by the end of next month. Why wait? Is it that I'm searching for some sign that life is worth living?

I wish I had gone through with this 5 years ago when I first really accepted my fate. Life was hell then. It is better now but only enough to keep me trapped here.

Some time ago, I accidentally trapped a skink in a fly trap I had put up to protect my garden. I soon realized after trying to extract the little guy that it would be more merciful to kill him. I didn't want to, of course, but I got that hammer out all the same and smashed his little head into the pavement. I am at this point now, but I can't bring myself to end my own misery.

 

[WornOutLife]

I can relate, dear.

I'm like "will things really get better? what about disappearing today once and for all?"
I'm very confused.
However, I think having doubts means we're still not 100% about ctb so maybe, it's better to keep on waiting.

(Easier said than done, of course. I might ctb impulsively one of these days, especially during my hangovers lol)

Whatever happens, you know I wish you lots of love and peace!

Hugs,

Matt

 

[Celerity]

I can relate, dear.

I'm like "will things really get better? what about disappearing today once and for all?"
I'm very confused.
However, I think having doubts means we're still not 100% about ctb so maybe, it's better to keep on waiting.

(Easier said than done, of course. I might ctb impulsively one of these days, especially during my hangovers lol)

Whatever happens, you know I wish you lots of love and peace!

Hugs,

Matt

I just don't want to be miserable like this until I die. I feel like I've had years (16 to be exact) to make a choice and that I need to make a decision. Surely, I have enough information by now to make an informed one.