Venting They only treated me better cause I hurt myself

[cookiencream]

My parents aren't the worst or abusive but they did treat me cruel sometimes. Like one time I made a joke towards my dad and he beat me with a hanger so bad I couldn't go to school that day...it's not a regular occurrence. So I wouldn't say he's abusive but he does suck sometimes. There was another time I broke down in the car crying because he blew up on me for saying he made me late to a place. He went on a rant to sort of cheer me up. But he said that if I killed myself him and my mom would feel bad for a while then get over it. On my mom's end she used to say there was nothing good she could say about me and would ostracize me any time I told her I thought there was something wrong with me. Now they treat me kinder because I want to die. Now they treat me like a human being. I feel like I should be happy and grateful things changed but I just feel angry. I don't even want to accept this love. Why did I have to suffer so much just to be treated with respect??? What makes it worse is that I know this is temporary. They've already started slipping back into their old habbits. Honestly every time they tell me how much I'm affecting them I don't feel bad. My mom said she's always scared of opening doors at home in case she sees me hanging there. My dad searches the house like crazy when he can't find me. I want to feel bad but I just don't. I told them something was wrong god knows how many times but they wouldn't listen. They said my problems were a trade off for my "gift of intelligence" from god. Even now I told my mom I don't believe she swears up and down I will. I feel like I should love them and appreciate them but I just can't anymore.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

That's… hard. I don't really know what to say. It sounds like they care about you, but have some other issues that they take out on you.

I don't think they're treating you better because of this. I think it's more along the lines of realizing that they could lose you, and trying to sort of "make up for it" somehow because they don't want that to happen. I had something similar happen when my family found out I had problems, so that's why I am drawing that conclusion.

However, I don't really know your family dynamic, so I could be completely off base with this. Still, hopefully you find it a little bit helpful. Again, I don't think it's a "they are like this, so I should do more" sort of thing, but a "I should have been doing this from the start, and now that things have gotten like this I definitely need to try to do it now" one. Hopefully that makes sense. I hope you feel a little bit better soon.

 

[Nightfoot]

Maybe they didn't realize the severity of what you were going through until you hurt yourself.

 

[Pale_Rider]

There are very few people who know much of anything about me at all much less I've killed myself. But the counselor that was there that's what I used to tell her. Basically. I'm done with listening to people's crap. Just cause I offed myself doesn't give you license to engage me. They were some tough times. Got better cause I blocked it all out. Now it's back.