The process of preparing to ctb is so annoying

[woofwag]

In order to ctb, I need to finish doing the things I promised I'd do for people. I need to finish sewing a plush for my friend's birthday, which is painfully late at this point. I promised my other friend a few years ago I would sew them a petticoat, and I'm still committed to the idea. I don't go back on my word. I need to write out my notes. Schedule an insta post saying goodbye to everyone. Scout out a place to die, since I don't want to do it in my house because it will certainly traumatize my roomies, and I also don't want to do it in an area where someone would find me unexpectedly. I think my plan is to drive to a lake that's close to my place at like 3AM when no one is there, lie on the floor of my car covered in blankets, and write a note taped to my window saying "DO NOT OPEN. CALL 911." Hopefully that will deter people from the trauma of finding a dead body.

It's just all so cumbersome. I don't want to do any of these things. And it's not like anyone is forcing me to. But I feel like I need to. For myself, but more importantly, the people around me. I need to let them know I care, that it's not their fault, that I love them, that I want them to keep living and try to be happy. But I'm so depressed and this process is taking a lot out of me. Like I still need to do day-to-day shit. And now I have to worry about all this grief and destruction I'll leave behind, when all I really want is peace.

Sometimes I wish I could just be murdered so I wouldn't have to deal with all this...

 

[_Gollum_]

God I know. It would take me probably minimum a month to get prepared, and I already have most of my documents done. I just don't want to leave a mess behind. I want to make my passing as easy as possible for those who will have to deal with the fallout. But man, when you're already so tired, every task is like hiking a mountain.

And this is something that is rarely considered when people snidely say "Well if you want to die so bad, why don't you just kill yourself?" Because sometimes it takes more energy to die than to live one more day. Because once brought into this world, we accumulate obligations that can't be tossed aside so readily.

 

[woofwag]

God I know. It would take me probably minimum a month to get prepared, and I already have most of my documents done. I just don't want to leave a mess behind. I want to make my passing as easy as possible for those who will have to deal with the fallout. But man, when you're already so tired, every task is like hiking a mountain.

And this is something that is rarely considered when people snidely say "Well if you want to die so bad, why don't you just kill yourself?" Because sometimes it takes more energy to die than to live one more day. Because once brought into this world, we accumulate obligations that can't be tossed aside so readily.

Right? I already have all my notes prepared too, but I want to write them all out physically and it's just soooo exhausting and it hurts my hand cuz I always write shit on my laptop/phone. I keep looking at my list of essential things I need to do to die. I only have one thing checked off. This sucks. I don't feel safe. Even with my SN and meto, that isn't a failsafe in the face of all the shit I need to do. What if one of my friends dies or something? I wouldn't be able to work through all this shit in the midst of that grief. And then I'd be stuck, more so than I even am now.

I even had a past therapist say that to me lol. Like they've so clearly never thought about how they would prepare if they died soon. So terrified to ever confront their mortality. And evidently, scared to confront ours too, considering how insistent they are about making us live no matter the misery it causes us. I've mentioned it a few times on this site, but I can't seem to stop thinking about my first suicide attempt when I was 6. If I'd known how to do it right, this all could've been over before I had so many people who care about me now. The only people who would grieve would have been my family, and I don't really care about them (with the exception of my sibling). Sometimes I'm glad I've made some mark on the world, improved people's lives in some way. But it all pales in the face of my suicide. Which I can no longer ignore given all the shit I'm dealing with now.