The only thing that keeps me going is, ironically, suicide.

[Seiko]

I am living solely for the day I can purchase a firearm (I'm underaged). I have more than enough money and no disqualifiers. I'd purchase a standard 9mm Glock 17, ship it out to an FFL, have them run their checks, and take it home a few days later.

Whenever I want—any minute of any day—I have the ability to send one through my medulla oblongata and die within nanoseconds. I'm not discrediting other methods, but this seems much more desirable to me than compressing my carotid arteries on a rope or obtaining sodium nitrate/azide.

I am fortunate enough to live in a country where I can quite literally purchase the same weapon my local police are issued and use it for suicide.



And ironically, this is why I live. Tensions ease in my mind when I remind myself that each day is a step closer to my 21st birthday. I brush off painful memories knowing I have a virtually instant option of death in the future. Having a gun is the equivalent of unlocking the main menu where you can exit at any time.



It's also the most hilarious case of a catch-22. If I do reach out and subsequently get involuntarily admitted to a psych ward, my chances of having this peaceful exit are ruined.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand. Having the knowledge that there is a way out means we are not trapped in this life. If things get unbearable we can exit. There is an end to suffering.