My best friend knows I want to ctb. She accepts that it is likely going to happen. She knows that I feels that it is nobody's business if another wants to call it. My dilemma is that I would like to have a reason to not. Something that could push the thought from being a constant humming in my head. And she is the only person who could prevent it.
I believe she could stop me, and the tiny shredded thread of me that wants to continue on looks to her. It feels like one of those things that if I try to get something from her, it'll spill it and turn it into the reason I finally ctb. I don't know what it is or if it exists but I'm sure my soul is still holding in to that thread of hope. I have my time and method and hope won't hold on its own.
It's just confusing. To not want to be, but not want to go. To have a savior who accepts your choice to not be saved. To know you have a need that could be fulfill, but not be able to ask for it. To know that your day comes close and you look forward to it and try desperately to maintain patience, but torturously hope. I want to be wanted here. But words are just letters scrunched together. The truth I just a plain picture; not it's caption. I know what I see, it's all right there, and it's all so damned empty.
I'm grateful to her for her acceptance, I truly am. To be able to tell someone and not get judged or browbeat or guilted, et cetera. I feel for all of you. But know, that having someone fully accepting of your choice leaves open the possiblity that the only person who might get you to not want to ctb, may be that very same person.
P.S.
I didn't proofread before posting and not I have to plaster on that fake smile and walk into the dining room of selfish souls. If there is anything glaring, please, mention it and I will clarify or fix.
Thank you.
Wish me luck in my deception.
I believe she could stop me, and the tiny shredded thread of me that wants to continue on looks to her. It feels like one of those things that if I try to get something from her, it'll spill it and turn it into the reason I finally ctb. I don't know what it is or if it exists but I'm sure my soul is still holding in to that thread of hope. I have my time and method and hope won't hold on its own.
It's just confusing. To not want to be, but not want to go. To have a savior who accepts your choice to not be saved. To know you have a need that could be fulfill, but not be able to ask for it. To know that your day comes close and you look forward to it and try desperately to maintain patience, but torturously hope. I want to be wanted here. But words are just letters scrunched together. The truth I just a plain picture; not it's caption. I know what I see, it's all right there, and it's all so damned empty.
I'm grateful to her for her acceptance, I truly am. To be able to tell someone and not get judged or browbeat or guilted, et cetera. I feel for all of you. But know, that having someone fully accepting of your choice leaves open the possiblity that the only person who might get you to not want to ctb, may be that very same person.
P.S.
I didn't proofread before posting and not I have to plaster on that fake smile and walk into the dining room of selfish souls. If there is anything glaring, please, mention it and I will clarify or fix.
Thank you.
Wish me luck in my deception.
