TheLastGreySky
Wizard
- Nov 24, 2023
- 693
So I'm back for the last time. I've realized now that when I get comfortable I start slipping into toxic habits and behaviors that really hurt other people. I had a baby with the love of my life just to fuck it up again so now my wife has left with my baby and is dead set on divorcing me and labeling me a "pedophile". I guess this is the only place I can talk about why she's doing this to hurt me safely.
So TRIGGER WARNING : Childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, pedophilia, CTB. Medical conditions, abandonment, divorce, Drug use. Violence against children.
For the first five years of my life I lived in a hospital because I was born with failure thrive because my mom was a junkie and a prostitute. This must have been 95 or maybe 96 when this happened and but I was escorted by a doctor to part of a wing of the hospital that was under construction IE it had plastic tarps taped to the walls etc and I was talking into what I think was a closet or something very similar to a small room, and the doctor told me to turn around and drop my pants because he was going to give me a suppository which he was explaining what it was and I remember being really uncomfortable with the idea but when he finally made me turn around I remember pain. Lots and lots of sharp pain and I look back and he was trying to violate me and he eventually put his hand over my mouth and told me not to bite. After he finished I remember looking back at him and mumbling and him shaking me telling me he would murder me and my family if I ever told anybody. I remember how it felt having the blood between my legs and him stuffing gauze or something else into my underwear.
But I never told anyone until this year.
I have been trying to convince myself that this never happened. But I'm facing it.
I told my wife this shortly after we had our daughter at the beginning of this month. I had told her that I was ashamed and I didn't know how to really talk to her about this. She responded indifferently at best. However we got into a fight on the 13th because she told me in a moment of anger "at least I wasn't raped by a doctor". And we both ended up getting physical however I fought back for the first time and struck her because she wouldn't stop hitting me or let me go into another room. I didn't want to call the cops because we had the baby but she left on the 15th with her and now she's spinning this narrative that I'm a pedophile when I am not.
I have been sexually assaulted several times throughout my childhood but the first one was drastically the worst. Anyone who knows me probably knows that I am a big advocate of psilocybin for therapeutic uses however, the last time I used it I took much more than I intended and I ended up remembering more repressed childhood trauma.
I was molested by my mother.
And I guess I have never come to terms with these two major events that have shaped who I am today. I am full of anger and disgust. And I am honestly ashamed to admit that I have tried to downplay how severely life affecting these events have been to me. I have tried to make excuses and convince myself that what my mom did must have been normal for her because my brother also did some things to me while he was alive.
But the truth is none of this was ever okay. And yet still... My wife has decided to use my most traumatic memories as a label for me so I won't fight for my daughter. I am sick and tired of being villainized because I have been transparent about the things I have been through as this would be my second divorce.
I no longer deserve to be alive. I feel like I don't even know the woman labeling me a woman abuser and a pedophile. And I think it's time for me to finally close the door on This world of pain and suffering.
I just had surgery on my shoulder and part of my right arm is paralyzed but I still don't have any disability income from it. And all the homeless shelters are full. I would like someone to maybe talk to if we could do a video call or something who would be sympathetic since the only way I can do this is with partial suspension and I don't know if I have the balls to do it alone. And even if someone is just willing to tell me that I'm not a worthless human being I would very much appreciate anyone talk to me at this time.
I have always struggled with intrusive thoughts towards children.
But I absolutely never would act on them.
And this woman knew this before I married her. So now I am willing to do whatever it takes to stop being this monster who fucks up his own life because he can't watch his mouth and can't control his fists. I'm tired of being the only one held accountable for his actions and I am truly tired of whining about it. All I want is to hold my baby but people like me don't deserve happiness.
So TRIGGER WARNING : Childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, pedophilia, CTB. Medical conditions, abandonment, divorce, Drug use. Violence against children.
For the first five years of my life I lived in a hospital because I was born with failure thrive because my mom was a junkie and a prostitute. This must have been 95 or maybe 96 when this happened and but I was escorted by a doctor to part of a wing of the hospital that was under construction IE it had plastic tarps taped to the walls etc and I was talking into what I think was a closet or something very similar to a small room, and the doctor told me to turn around and drop my pants because he was going to give me a suppository which he was explaining what it was and I remember being really uncomfortable with the idea but when he finally made me turn around I remember pain. Lots and lots of sharp pain and I look back and he was trying to violate me and he eventually put his hand over my mouth and told me not to bite. After he finished I remember looking back at him and mumbling and him shaking me telling me he would murder me and my family if I ever told anybody. I remember how it felt having the blood between my legs and him stuffing gauze or something else into my underwear.
But I never told anyone until this year.
I have been trying to convince myself that this never happened. But I'm facing it.
I told my wife this shortly after we had our daughter at the beginning of this month. I had told her that I was ashamed and I didn't know how to really talk to her about this. She responded indifferently at best. However we got into a fight on the 13th because she told me in a moment of anger "at least I wasn't raped by a doctor". And we both ended up getting physical however I fought back for the first time and struck her because she wouldn't stop hitting me or let me go into another room. I didn't want to call the cops because we had the baby but she left on the 15th with her and now she's spinning this narrative that I'm a pedophile when I am not.
I have been sexually assaulted several times throughout my childhood but the first one was drastically the worst. Anyone who knows me probably knows that I am a big advocate of psilocybin for therapeutic uses however, the last time I used it I took much more than I intended and I ended up remembering more repressed childhood trauma.
I was molested by my mother.
And I guess I have never come to terms with these two major events that have shaped who I am today. I am full of anger and disgust. And I am honestly ashamed to admit that I have tried to downplay how severely life affecting these events have been to me. I have tried to make excuses and convince myself that what my mom did must have been normal for her because my brother also did some things to me while he was alive.
But the truth is none of this was ever okay. And yet still... My wife has decided to use my most traumatic memories as a label for me so I won't fight for my daughter. I am sick and tired of being villainized because I have been transparent about the things I have been through as this would be my second divorce.
I no longer deserve to be alive. I feel like I don't even know the woman labeling me a woman abuser and a pedophile. And I think it's time for me to finally close the door on This world of pain and suffering.
I just had surgery on my shoulder and part of my right arm is paralyzed but I still don't have any disability income from it. And all the homeless shelters are full. I would like someone to maybe talk to if we could do a video call or something who would be sympathetic since the only way I can do this is with partial suspension and I don't know if I have the balls to do it alone. And even if someone is just willing to tell me that I'm not a worthless human being I would very much appreciate anyone talk to me at this time.
I have always struggled with intrusive thoughts towards children.
But I absolutely never would act on them.
And this woman knew this before I married her. So now I am willing to do whatever it takes to stop being this monster who fucks up his own life because he can't watch his mouth and can't control his fists. I'm tired of being the only one held accountable for his actions and I am truly tired of whining about it. All I want is to hold my baby but people like me don't deserve happiness.
