The inability to kill myself has serious consequences in my life

[suffering]

and I don't mean just just the obvious one (which is being alive when I don't want to), which by itself is horrible enough. what I mean is that it disrupts even my 'normal' life. For instance, before knowing how strong my SI is, I was able to quit my job (multiple times) feeling brave and thinking that if everything fails, I can always just end it. I felt able to pursue my dreams, to refuse compromise, to take risks. It was what I felt deferenciated me from most of the people. It was my essence. Now, however, I am not able to do so anymore. Now I know I am trapped here and I must act with extreme caution. It's like all mine youth, my courage, my self esteem, my everything, have been ripped out. And all it's left is a shell, a slave, a resigned patheric loser.

 

[Greenberg]

May I inquire as to what changed your situation?

 

[joshe]

The inability to kill myself has dragged my pain into extreme levels, if i had ended ten years ago none of this pain would have even have been needed

 

[TheQ22]

I just love that title, I'm almost the same except that in my case being alive has serious consequences for my death.

 

[StateOfMind]

Nah, you can do it. I believe in you! Don't be such a pussy lol imagine what people do that didn't have access to SS. Additionally this rhetoric is not helping those battling SI. I'm sorry you feel this way. This topic needs to be addressed sometimes.

 

[_Kaira_]

I hesitate and fear what would happen after I ctb. Not what will happen to me should I fail and whatnot, but for someone I'd be leaving behind. And yet, me not ctb is causing more stress and problems that I could ever imagine. I can't catch a break no matter what I do and seems like there's a new problem every day. It's tiring to be torn between how strongly I feel and how much I don't want to cause distress for anyone else. It hurts so much to keep on living for others.