Venting The hell of being incompatible with life and the past that haunts me

[ElysianGrief]

Hello, I'm new here and I hope to get along well with everyone. I'd like to start by getting something off my chest and telling you a bit about myself, if I write anything wrong I'm sorry English isn't my native language.

Well I have a lot of experiences being a totally different person from the traditional I have autism probably to a moderate degree and I don't take any kind of treatment for anything mental. I suffer a lot from my past where a lot of bad things have happened (some I'm not ready to talk about yet) and I've also made a lot of mistakes that torment me with the remorse of having done horrible things.

I have few memories of my childhood, adolescence and past. I've had things happen to me that I consider to be the most terrible that anyone can go through, such as sexual abuse and sexual harassment (I don't feel like going into detail about this yet, but it's happened to me several times and my memory about these things is a bit messy, but I remember the bad things that happened to me in great detail) and there have also been horrible things that I've done during more or less that time that I don't feel ready to talk about yet either.

I also grew up quite isolated from the world inside my house and I only went out for necessary things like going to the doctor. I don't have any friends and the only people I've ever had I've been terrible to, but I don't really care about being lonely anymore.

I've had so many negative things happen to me that I could write a gigantic text if I were to recount all the things that have bothered me or caused me suffering. I would say that I feel totally different from other people and I feel empty and apathetic and that's terrible and like not feeling anything and not feeling alive, I'm not religious and I don't believe in these things like people in my country do and they're fanatical. Autism also makes me face a reality where I have to make a thousand times more effort to achieve something simple that normal people could achieve easily and that's exhausting, I also have a terrible eating disorder that makes me eat badly and all this makes me feel incompatible with life.

The world is so empty to me in a way, I'd say I'm quite nihilistic, which is probably to blame for my extreme apathy. Everything is so repetitive and my past that haunts me and my difficulties with mental disorders make me really want to find peace for all my suffering, I hardly speak any words outside the internet because of my autism and sometimes I wish I could say something to people and I can't and all this is torture I feel trapped in my body and in this world without meaning.

I also believe that life is very repetitive like an endless looping hell, and I'm also starting to realize the reality that nobody cares about other people's problems and various other terrible things about people. Well that's the summary of the things that make me want to end all my suffering in this meaningless existence, I hope I've managed to express myself well and correctly because I feel I'm bad at it although I quite enjoy writing since I can't speak normally outside the internet. I apologize if I've written too long a text, but I needed to summarize everything right at the beginning, but as I said, there are so many things that I could write huge texts.

I hope to find peace from my suffering one day.

 

[darksouls]

hello and welcome to sasu

 

[lost_one]

It sucks, but you are probably amongst your peers here, most of us have gone through some horrible shit. So we are different, from "normal" people, from "happy" people, although everyone goes through bad things, just maybe not as bad, or not as many, so it doesn't scar them as much. I also feel like everyone has a different breaking point, can handle a different amount of bad things. But I think most of us here have been changed, I can't talk for other people obviously, but maybe "broken", by life. So we get your pain.

"The world is so empty to me in a way" - This to me is very relatable.

I always say that I have all these traumatic and horrible memories that I need to live with and that Haunt me. ( I just say all this to try and show you, you are not alone in this)

Welcome to Sasu, and good luck