Im just thinking aloud, a good ol'venting if you will. I feel so pathetic. I just know that if I continue living 2021will be as useless as 2020 - and the many years preceding that. I'm 21 and have no career prospects , the degree I gained doesn't even get me anywhere, I can't even bring myself to use it, and on top of that have dissociated far enough that I have nothing I want or care to do. My family is lovely and bless them (funny enough there all in mental health which is mighty grand humour from fate) , are really good people but I don't really see them as a support group - I don't have any actually and I think it's just better that way. I've never told anyone about my thoughts or that I'm suicidal. I'm shockingly convincing at pretending. so when I do ctb it'll probably come as a surprise but something in me is wired not to be truly vulnerable (a mental defect maybe? Probably unresolved trauma) and I'd rather leave not having anyone understand me than open even a bit of myself up. My only wish is that I could have had my own place to ctb but I can't see that being possible soon enough. I just feel like I've been in my own company for too long and I don't even know why I'm holding on anymore- certainly not hope. tbh I wouldn't even miss me if I died, I'm really not that great. But it's funny because now that I'm in a position to let go I'm unable to theres never a right time and I want to do it right and better sooner than never. ok ok rambling over. If anyone does actually read this I am not looking for pity at all, just emptying the noggin a tad. 
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