finish.me
I need you to feel this
- Jul 14, 2021
- 142
and that it was a viable option. this is just a shitty little paragraph because i was thinking about it earlier. Since I was in elementary school I've had issues and it worsened with time, i was always convinced i would kill myself before a certain point but it was more of a half assed semi promise to myself, and i had "attempted" a couple times before but In all honestly I truly did not want to die, I wanted people to notice my suffering. I remember all the times i felt like trash and the thought of suicide had never actually set in as a real actual option for me, i think subconsiously i was just aiming for help even though i said to myself and to other people "i want to die". But time has passed and now that I'm an adult, I've actually felt it, and i feel it. The real and actual need to kill myself, and the reality of it, that I wouldn't be here anymore and that its what i actuallly want. It's just a weird sensation. It's so different now. Like before it really was just hopeless, pointless nothing, walking through life without any ambitions, motivations, anything because I thought I would kill myself EVENTUALLY, but knowing deep down I couldn't do that, so I'd just live recklessly because it's all i had. Now i really fucking get it. I don't actually have to live. I can easily just die! It's not a fantasy or something i think about to comfort myself, or tell people i want to do for attention, it's a real thing i can do, that I don't actually have to get it together and find a career path if i don't want to. I don't have to do anything. I can just die.
