Discussion The effect attachment has on SI

[Lily6759]

I've made quite a few attempts recently, but every time my SI has kicked in and stopped me. I believe this is due to an attachment to my girlfriend, who I call my "hope" in my head. Whenever she disappears for long times, i tend to lose my will to live, go back to feeling how I did before knowing her, and make an attempt, but I always fail. My body goes fuzzy and numb, i feel myself blacking out, and then for a split second, i question why I would ever leave her when she's still here for me, and SI hits and stops me. I think so long as she is alive, I'll end up failing to ctb.

I'm curious to hear how others are effected by their attachments, to either people, pets, addictions, sentimental objects, or anything else, and how it's effected their plans to ctb.

 

[RoseGirl]

I can't really before suicidal as long as my girl friend is around. She's so warm and comfortable and needs me

 

[hschaf]

I feel this way with my mother. I know she will not survive me CTB, and she is really the only reason I'm alive/not in a psych hospital. I don't really think you can just kill your inhibition, because I think ultimately you are someone who wants to go in the body of someone who doesn't. I'm scared that this is why everyone keeps living, and that the place where I live will become Hell. Makes me think of that Elliott Smith song;
"Burning every bridge that I cross
To find some beautiful place to get lost".

I think you need to destroy your mind to destroy your body, sadly :(

 

[Lily6759]

I can't really before suicidal as long as my girl friend is around. She's so warm and comfortable and needs me

I've read this like 20 times over and still don't know if you're being sarcastic in response to me, or giving me your actual experience...

I feel this way with my mother. I know she will not survive me CTB, and she is really the only reason I'm alive/not in a psych hospital. I don't really think you can just kill your inhibition, because I think ultimately you are someone who wants to go in the body of someone who doesn't. I'm scared that this is why everyone keeps living, and that the place where I live will become Hell. Makes me think of that Elliott Smith song;
"Burning every bridge that I cross
To find some beautiful place to get lost".

I think you need to destroy your mind to destroy your body, sadly :(

I agree about needing to destroy your mind to destroy your body. I like your analogy of someone wanting to go, but being in the body of someone who doesn't. For me though, I've found my mind splits into two parts. One wants nothing more than to end things. The other wants to hold on. And they are constantly fighting each other for control.

 

[RoseGirl]

Uhm if u look at my profile uhm it's legit x-x
Uhm once ur ready to die the part that wants to hold on won't hold.

 

[Lily6759]

Uhm if u look at my profile uhm it's legit x-x
Uhm once ur ready to die the part that wants to hold on won't hold.

I've experienced what i thought was the death of that part of me. Unfortunately I clearly was wrong, because after many consecutive attempts, each time I stopped just before passing out, only to try again, until I finally decided to just try and call her and get her to help me through my shit.

Even though I really do want to let go. I'm glad that part of me is still holding on for her. I love her a lot, I just have a lot of issues.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Sadly, my attachment isn't so much about hope or support. Mine is towards my Dad. It's not that he doesn't love or try to support me. It's more that he can't really. Ultimately, I'm stuck with having to fund this life that I don't want. I don't think he can do much to make me like life more and, he can't afford to pay for it for me either. So, I'm effectively stuck with it entirely because of him. He had a major role in bringing me here (obviously) and now, I'm obliged to stay here and sustain myself.

My attachment is in the form of the tremendous guilt that I think it would break his heart if I did suicide. While I do feel resentful over being born here and the expectations thrust on all of us, I also recognise that he's a kind, loving and sensitive person. I (hope I) couldn't hurt him like that in return. Plus, I think he considered suicide when my Mum died but, held on for me so, I feel I ought to return the favour there.

Sometimes, I wonder if I can keep on holding on. In those moments, I get the craziest idea that I will tell him what I want to do and, hope that he'll understand. I truly don't think he would though.

 

[Lily6759]

Sadly, my attachment isn't so much about hope or support. Mine is towards my Dad. It's not that he doesn't love or try to support me. It's more that he can't really. Ultimately, I'm stuck with having to fund this life that I don't want. I don't think he can do much to make me like life more and, he can't afford to pay for it for me either. So, I'm effectively stuck with it entirely because of him. He had a major role in bringing me here (obviously) and now, I'm obliged to stay here and sustain myself.

My attachment is in the form of the tremendous guilt that I think it would break his heart if I did suicide. While I do feel resentful over being born here and the expectations thrust on all of us, I also recognise that he's a kind, loving and sensitive person. I (hope I) couldn't hurt him like that in return. Plus, I think he considered suicide when my Mum died but, held on for me so, I feel I ought to return the favour there.

Sometimes, I wonder if I can keep on holding on. In those moments, I get the craziest idea that I will tell him what I want to do and, hope that he'll understand. I truly don't think he would though.

I've never managed to find connection to my own family, so it always interests me to hear about others. I think that staying alive for someone, even if out of guilt, shows an immense amount of love for that person, even if they don't know how painful it is for you to do that.
In a world so full of pain and hatred, it's nice to hear sometimes about that kind of love existing, even if the people that have the ability to give it, still want to die.