The ebb and flow of suicidality

[Soapie]

I saw my girlfriend in California a while ago. It was so fucking wonderful. We got engaged!!! I was so over-the-moon happy for those 8 days. Now I'm back home. It's only been two days back here and I want to ctb so bad already. I'm only staying for him. It just feels like one week I'm loving life and the next I'm ready for it all to be over. The latter seems to be my default mode, with happiness only coming in fleeting moments. I'm gonna stick around for now, somewhat begrudgingly, and in the back of my head I'll still feel that ebb and flow. Happiness, misery, happiness, misery, endlessly. It almost makes the happiness feel more bitter when you know that it's gonna be followed by another SN blood test and a hotel booking that you never go to. I'm kinda in a fork in the road in that sense. Stay and brave the storms for the sake of the person I love, or leave for my own sake. I truly would prefer a happy life rather than a peaceful death, but at the end of the day I'm gonna do what I have to. I'm not gonna suffer just for the hope of a better life. I'm either gonna make it happen or I'm gonna die. We'll see I guess

 

[FuneralCry]

Being alive is very tiring. It sounds like you are going through a lot. I wish you the best whatever happens. I hope you do what is best for yourself.

 

[Seafoam]

I can't stand how unstable my outlook on life is. I don't have it in me to handle the roller coaster of life. I hope you can come to a decision, this shit is not easy lol.