The dark room...

[Sleeper System]

Sometimes I feel like I contribute to my own depression on a subconscious level. Are we the way we are because of our lives or do our lives make us the way we are? The chicken or the egg...

I love being in the dark. As I kid, I use to hate it. When I got in trouble, I was made to stand in the corner in a dark locked room and I think I would stand there crying asking for my mom. I say I think because a lot of my life, especially my childhood, I have forgotten some how. I wonder what the exact moment was when the tears stopped and the silent darkness became comforting. Using self examination... maybe I realized that because I was alone in the dark... no one could see me or judge me and suddenly the noise in my life was gone and it was just quiet. That being said... I need the fan on while in my darkness because now it's a double edged sword in the sense that sometimes my negative thoughts are louder than the silence.

I hate being around people. As a kid, I desperatly wanted to be around others. I wanted to be included and liked. I lived in a bad neighborhood so my family kept me inside all the time. I was only allowed to go out with family and that was rarely fun. Because of this, it was hard to make friends because I lived by the school I went to and so did everyone else so everyone was already clicked up and I was the odd ball. My family was just trying to protect me but I think it caused me to be a social outcast and suffer anxiety that effects me to this day. Now, it's fuck everyone. You get so used to being alone that you fall in love with solitude and the idea of others intruding on your peace is the worst.

I could go on and on about the parallels of certain experiences but I'd rather hear from others on here about things that may have changed them that caused them to be like this.

I truelly believe that only intelligent people can be suicidal. It takes a lot of deep reflection to want to ctb and genuinely be able to justify it not only to yourself but others. But yeah.. thanks for reading my rant. I feel decompressed a little. I survive another night.

 

[coyotestark]

Sometimes I feel like I contribute to my own depression on a subconscious level. Are we the way we are because of our lives or do our lives make us the way we are? The chicken or the egg...

I love being in the dark. As I kid, I use to hate it. When I got in trouble, I was made to stand in the corner in a dark locked room and I think I would stand there crying asking for my mom. I say I think because a lot of my life, especially my childhood, I have forgotten some how. I wonder what the exact moment was when the tears stopped and the silent darkness became comforting. Using self examination... maybe I realized that because I was alone in the dark... no one could see me or judge me and suddenly the noise in my life was gone and it was just quiet. That being said... I need the fan on while in my darkness because now it's a double edged swords in the sense that sometimes my negative thoughts get the better of me.

I hate being around people. As a kid, I desperatly wanted to be around others. I wanted to be included and liked. I lived in a bad neighborhood so my family kept me inside all the time. I was only allowed to go out with family and that was rarely fun. Because of this, it was hard to make friends because I lived by the school I went to and so did everyone else so everyone was already clicked up and I was the odd ball. My family was just trying to protect me but I think it caused me to be a social outcast and suffer anxiety that effects me to this day. Now, it's fuck everyone. You get so used to being alone that you fall in love with solitude and the idea of others intruding on your peace is the worst.

I could go on and on about the parallels of certain experiences but I'd rather hear from others on here about things that may have changed them that caused them to be like this.

I truelly believe that only intelligent people can be suicidal. It takes a lot of deep reflection to want to ctb and genuinely be able to justify it not only to yourself but others. But yeah.. thanks for read my rant. I feel decompressed a little. I survive another n

Sometimes I feel like I contribute to my own depression on a subconscious level. Are we the way we are because of our lives or do our lives make us the way we are? The chicken or the egg...

I love being in the dark. As I kid, I use to hate it. When I got in trouble, I was made to stand in the corner in a dark locked room and I think I would stand there crying asking for my mom. I say I think because a lot of my life, especially my childhood, I have forgotten some how. I wonder what the exact moment was when the tears stopped and the silent darkness became comforting. Using self examination... maybe I realized that because I was alone in the dark... no one could see me or judge me and suddenly the noise in my life was gone and it was just quiet. That being said... I need the fan on while in my darkness because now it's a double edged sword in the sense that sometimes my negative thoughts are louder than the silence.

I hate being around people. As a kid, I desperatly wanted to be around others. I wanted to be included and liked. I lived in a bad neighborhood so my family kept me inside all the time. I was only allowed to go out with family and that was rarely fun. Because of this, it was hard to make friends because I lived by the school I went to and so did everyone else so everyone was already clicked up and I was the odd ball. My family was just trying to protect me but I think it caused me to be a social outcast and suffer anxiety that effects me to this day. Now, it's fuck everyone. You get so used to being alone that you fall in love with solitude and the idea of others intruding on your peace is the worst.

I could go on and on about the parallels of certain experiences but I'd rather hear from others on here about things that may have changed them that caused them to be like this.

I truelly believe that only intelligent people can be suicidal. It takes a lot of deep reflection to want to ctb and genuinely be able to justify it not only to yourself but others. But yeah.. thanks for reading my rant. I feel decompressed a little. I survive another night.

Reading your post was like reading the contents of my own brain, I'm glad this outlet afforded you another evening on Earth. And studies have been done on people with above average IQ, they are in fact more likely to commit suicide.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also dislike being around people and I would prefer to be alone. People can be very tiring and can just make things worse. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.