Venting The beginning of the end?

[Rev346]

Got news from the doctor. My MRI is normal so there's no physical cause of the constant pain and strains in my back. I just feel the left side all day and I never know if a jolt or strain is coming. I'm done "managing" the symptoms. It's been over 20 years of this and this was the last chance I was giving the medical establishment. Fuck life. I'd rather feel nothing than worry that any small movement with send me into crippling pain and immobility. I lucked out and was able to order SN but I still need to test it to make sure it's legit. Been sitting around hidden in an airtight bag for a couple years so I really hope it hasn't converted to nitrate. I'm tempted to take a large dose of muscle relaxers (flexaril) with alcohol but I'm worried the OD won't work and my SN will be discovered. Ugh, since I got the news I just don't want to do anything except lie in bed. My work has suffered and it's not like I can say "sorry my work isn't getting done or up to par, it's just that I think about offing myself every 5 minutes and can't focus on anything else."
It's so surreal thinking about ctb'ing and wondering what everybody is going to be doing once I'm gone. Why can't I just die in a car accident or something easy?