Today was a real emotional rollercoaster for me. I had a crap ton of final exams due today at 5 pm. I barely make it in on time, but the work I turned in was such shit quality that I was just so disappointed with myself, and I needed a B on the final to pass the class.
I fell into this weird catatonic space, and that was the first time that I wanted to die with no hesitation. Previous times I had strong suicide ideation, I knew that I really didn't want to die, but just escape whatever stressful thing that was happening.
Today was the first time I felt like I wanted die because I wanted to die. I felt like there was no hope anymore and I just wanted to die. My head felt numb, and all I could think about was wanting to die. Like, if there was a gun in my hand, I would have pulled the trigger with no hesitation. I started googling the national suicide hotline number because I was like, "wtf is going on???" I didn't call because I was worried that they could track my number, then I notice that the professor extended the submission window to midnight and suddenly I'm okay again.
That weird numbness in my brain was gone instantly and instead I was feeling a bit lightheaded.
That was honestly so bizarre. I just turned in my last exam due today, ten minutes ago. Now I'm eating a whole quarter of icecream in the living room by myself at 1 am. Anyways good night everyone.
I fell into this weird catatonic space, and that was the first time that I wanted to die with no hesitation. Previous times I had strong suicide ideation, I knew that I really didn't want to die, but just escape whatever stressful thing that was happening.
Today was the first time I felt like I wanted die because I wanted to die. I felt like there was no hope anymore and I just wanted to die. My head felt numb, and all I could think about was wanting to die. Like, if there was a gun in my hand, I would have pulled the trigger with no hesitation. I started googling the national suicide hotline number because I was like, "wtf is going on???" I didn't call because I was worried that they could track my number, then I notice that the professor extended the submission window to midnight and suddenly I'm okay again.
That weird numbness in my brain was gone instantly and instead I was feeling a bit lightheaded.
That was honestly so bizarre. I just turned in my last exam due today, ten minutes ago. Now I'm eating a whole quarter of icecream in the living room by myself at 1 am. Anyways good night everyone.
