I got all the supplies for ctb using SN method but something still holds me back so badly. When I stay at home for a long time I feel trapped and want to get out of it at any cost and it seems like ctb will come naturally and smoothly. However at the moment I move to a place that is fairly private and secure I suddenly realise that I just cannot do it. I start thinking about being found half blue with no consciousness and sent to a mental ward. Then I will inevitably be judged by my parents, society and generally make my situation worse. I also think about people who will get hurt and stressed due to my decision and it's not even guaranteed that I'll be dead after all of this. I wish I could ctb somewhere in the nature without hurting anyone's property but there's no forests near my location, only parks that don't look very confident.
It really sucks having no personal space in my flat, not even my own room. Sometimes I think about ctb at night when my mother will be asleep. There's a high chance that I'll die because she's very ignorant and probably won't bother calling ambulance. Very advantageous in my case.
Sorry for my English and general messiness, I've had many thoughts recently and I needed to express them somehow.
It really sucks having no personal space in my flat, not even my own room. Sometimes I think about ctb at night when my mother will be asleep. There's a high chance that I'll die because she's very ignorant and probably won't bother calling ambulance. Very advantageous in my case.
Sorry for my English and general messiness, I've had many thoughts recently and I needed to express them somehow.
