NSFW tested partial hanging yesterday(nsfw/vent)

[suistore]

I don't really know what I want from posting this but here I am. I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Two days ago I lost my virginity to a person I've been (unhealthily) obsessed with. This was a milestone I was wanting to hit before I decide to CTB. However, the person I did it with doesn't want to date me, which makes me extremely depressed. I knew from the start that he didn't want to be with me, but never in my life did I figure I'd do something like that with someone that I'm not married to, let alone not even dating. The guilt of going through with it has been eating me alive, despite having had a very good time.
Anyway. After having such a good experience, I realized I likely wouldn't see this person again for a while and would have to return to the monotony of doing nothing but work. That fact, paired with the guilt of having premarital sex, having had a bad day at work, etc, made me spiral a bit last night, leading to me testing out partial hanging.
I'd self harmed for many years in the past, but never truly attempted to CTB, so this was very unfamiliar to me. I texted the guy beforehand and told him I appreciated him meeting with me, and that I loved him, and that I was sorry that we couldn't be together. Then, I began, and positioned myself in such a way that I could easily lift myself if I felt it getting to be too much. I let myself "hang" (not sure how else to put it. Asphyxiate? I dunno.) for about 15-20 second increments until my head was pounding or I started losing vision. It felt surprisingly good. I've never considered hanging being my method, but after last night, I can't stop thinking about it. My throat hurt a considerable amount afterwards, but during the act, multiple times, I almost didn't pull myself up. It was exhilarating.
This morning I texted the guy and told him what I did, and that I was thinking of him the whole time. I think I freaked him out at first but after I stressed the fact that I wasn't planning on going through with it last night, he calmed down a bit.
I know I probably should keep these things to myself, but I figure he likely already knows that I am insane so it's not a big deal to tell him. This ended up being true to a degree. When I was with him 2 days ago, multiple times I begged him to kill me, which I regret. My mind was messed up and I was feeling so much guilt that I wished he'd done it then so I wouldn't have to suffer being alone after doing something so special with someone who doesn't want me. I cried as well to him about the fact that he didn't want to date me, and he admitted it was because I was "kinda crazy".
I wish I could just be normal so people would actually want to be with me. This post is a mess I apologize. I never write out my feelings like this, but just felt like I had to talk about my experience. I figure someday soon I will really follow through with CTB, most likely when he inevitably stops talking to me. I've got nothing else going for me. I'm 18 and work 55+ hrs/wk, no friends, depressed, no hobbies, school would put me 100k in debt at the very least. The slight possibility that I might again meet with this guy who doesn't even love me is the only thing keeping me alive right now.
Maybe it's a stupid reason. I just wish I was less pathetically desperate so I could just go already.

 

[freeanxiety]

Hey, this is ofc a forum where we never judge anyone chosing to do that but there are some things you should keep in mind.

Some people get raised into believing that losing your virginity before marriage is a very bad thing, mostly religious belief.
You say you are 18 and what you experience is a very common thing for teenagers to experience.

Being very attracted to someone and then sleeping with that person and later the person doesnt want anything more than sex is EXTREMELY common. This happens in the vast majority of hook ups these days, Id say maybe 90% or so.

Killing yourself is not easy which is why this forum exists. I do think your case is one where you can definitely be saved if there is no disease or injury that makes your life bad.
It honeslty sounds like you are just going through a really bad phase in life and had a tough time growing up.
Try explain your situation to an AI and try some real therapy, you probably already have but it doesnt hurt to try again, another failed attempt of ctb could however.

 

[suistore]

Hey, this is ofc a forum where we never judge anyone chosing to do that but there are some things you should keep in mind.

Some people get raised into believing that losing your virginity before marriage is a very bad thing, mostly religious belief.
You say you are 18 and what you experience is a very common thing for teenagers to experience.

Being very attracted to someone and then sleeping with that person and later the person doesnt want anything more than sex is EXTREMELY common. This happens in the vast majority of hook ups these days, Id say maybe 90% or so.

Killing yourself is not easy which is why this forum exists. I do think your case is one where you can definitely be saved if there is no disease or injury that makes your life bad.
It honeslty sounds like you are just going through a really bad phase in life and had a tough time growing up.
Try explain your situation to an AI and try some real therapy, you probably already have but it doesnt hurt to try again, another failed attempt of ctb could however.

Thanks for your reply.
I understand that this is common, unfortunately it doesn't make it any easier for me. Personally I've always believed such intimate things should only be done with someone who actually loves me. I get attached to people very easily and am very sensitive to rejection or having my feelings not be reciprocated, which is why I am so stressed about what I've done.
As for 'being saved', I've been suicidal, social awkward, isolated, self hating, etc etc my whole life. Since I was a kid I knew suicide would be how I die. Tried therapy multiple times and they all said they didn't know how to help me and terminated. There are a lot of factors going into my wanting to die, just didn't want to write a huge essay about my entire failed life and figured I should focus on the main thing that led to what I did last night.
Thank you for the recommendations, unfortunately I'm not too hopeful of them doing any good for me though.

 

[2muchpain2]

Anyway. After having such a good experience, I realized I likely wouldn't see this person again for a while and would have to return to the monotony of doing nothing but work. That fact, paired with the guilt of having premarital sex, having had a bad day at work, etc, made me spiral a bit last night, leading to me testing out partial hanging.

hi I would never ever judge anyone for wanting to ctb, afterall we are on a suicide forum so we are all suffering to varying degrees. But, I would like to just say, that having premarital sex is nothing to be ashamed of. it happened, and it's ok. if it isn't something you wanted to do, it's ok, people do things they didn't intend to do and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

Thanks for your reply.
I understand that this is common, unfortunately it doesn't make it any easier for me. Personally I've always believed such intimate things should only be done with someone who actually loves me. I get attached to people very easily and am very sensitive to rejection or having my feelings not be reciprocated, which is why I am so stressed about what I've done.

oops didn't read this before I replied. It means alot to you to be with someone who loves you back, and I understand.