Red
Warlock
- Apr 10, 2019
- 744
Despite trying to be generally agreeable, I've recently come to find that I can be somewhat oppositional. Big film/series out, lots of hype, everyone watching it; am I planning on watching? Nope! Everyone into a new set of books, you love to read, are you reading this? Hell no!
When people don't believe my still undiagnosed illness, my body kicks off harder, trying to prove its existence. You can surely walk a measly mile?? You'd do it for fun a few years ago and be way at the front! Yeah I know but no. No fucking chance. If I am expected to just carry on, I can't.
If they believed me, or if I had a diagnosis, I know myself well enough to think that my body would fight the other way to prove that I was functional and not ill lol even when I get flashes of consideration now, if someone says, "Are you sure you're going to be okay doing this?" I'm like, fuck yeah, can't keep me down!
and genuinely seem to find that extra ounce of strength to fight and function.
It seems that I can't switch it up to my advantage, can't seem to pull up that courage until I'm validated.
Does my attitude suck?
Does anyone else feel like this?
I think that if my illness was identified, I could handle it better, fight against it harder. If it was still a losing battle, having the support from my family to take my own life, should it still be this awful, would give me strength to hold on for as long as I possibly could before finally CingTB.
In the absence of this, while nobody truly validates even my very obvious illness (never mind my wish to have the choice of living in pain or dying without it), it's fighting to be acknowledged, shouting louder and louder in order to be heard
In the absence of being able to talk frankly with my partner about needing a way out when it gets too much (it being a forbidden topic whose very name ends the conversation), it's constantly on my mind!
I really piss myself off sometimes, contrary fuck!
When people don't believe my still undiagnosed illness, my body kicks off harder, trying to prove its existence. You can surely walk a measly mile?? You'd do it for fun a few years ago and be way at the front! Yeah I know but no. No fucking chance. If I am expected to just carry on, I can't.
If they believed me, or if I had a diagnosis, I know myself well enough to think that my body would fight the other way to prove that I was functional and not ill lol even when I get flashes of consideration now, if someone says, "Are you sure you're going to be okay doing this?" I'm like, fuck yeah, can't keep me down!
and genuinely seem to find that extra ounce of strength to fight and function.It seems that I can't switch it up to my advantage, can't seem to pull up that courage until I'm validated.
Does my attitude suck?
Does anyone else feel like this?
I think that if my illness was identified, I could handle it better, fight against it harder. If it was still a losing battle, having the support from my family to take my own life, should it still be this awful, would give me strength to hold on for as long as I possibly could before finally CingTB.
In the absence of this, while nobody truly validates even my very obvious illness (never mind my wish to have the choice of living in pain or dying without it), it's fighting to be acknowledged, shouting louder and louder in order to be heard
In the absence of being able to talk frankly with my partner about needing a way out when it gets too much (it being a forbidden topic whose very name ends the conversation), it's constantly on my mind!
I really piss myself off sometimes, contrary fuck!
