Sleeper System
Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z
- May 5, 2022
- 828
When everything is going wrong, I'm depressed.
When everything is going right, I'm depressed.
It's more than just feeling sad or self pity. This deep seeded desire to not want to be here anymore regardless of what is happening in my life makes everything exhausting.
I can go whole months at a time without >thinking< about wanting to die but the feeling that i'm dragging around dead weight never leaves me.
I know that happiness isn't something that should be a goal. No one ever said we're supposed to or meant to be happy all the time. I'm not delusional or confused by reality. I just wish I could experience those occasional moments without that voice in the back of my head saying " What are you so happy about? Don't you know all of it is meaningless? You're not where you want to be in life. Nobody cares about you. You don't care about anyone else. What are you so happy? Shut the fuck up. "
When I step outside of myself I realize I might not have the perfect life but I have so much to be grateful for. However, when i'm actually living my life, it all just feels heavy and a struggle.
I've been working my low paying mediocre job with the goal of being promoted and it's been hard for me having to slave away at a job I don't really like to get a position I don't really want to be paid slightly more than im currently making because money seems to always be an issue and our government doesn't seem to be getting any better about balancing all this economical cluster fuck we're currently in.
I finally get promoted and what should be a happy moment of accomplishment feels like a death sentence and even further promise of struggle and headaches and resentment. But,hey, at least it'll be able to pay my bills and live without actually living some more. Greeeeaaat.
I guess I need to go to sleep now. Much work to be done tomorrow. More burden and more crushing frustration.
I haven't posted in awhile so i'm just venting. I'm thankful that SS is still around. It feels like a friend you can always go to with your problems. I appreciate everyone here.
When everything is going right, I'm depressed.
It's more than just feeling sad or self pity. This deep seeded desire to not want to be here anymore regardless of what is happening in my life makes everything exhausting.
I can go whole months at a time without >thinking< about wanting to die but the feeling that i'm dragging around dead weight never leaves me.
I know that happiness isn't something that should be a goal. No one ever said we're supposed to or meant to be happy all the time. I'm not delusional or confused by reality. I just wish I could experience those occasional moments without that voice in the back of my head saying " What are you so happy about? Don't you know all of it is meaningless? You're not where you want to be in life. Nobody cares about you. You don't care about anyone else. What are you so happy? Shut the fuck up. "
When I step outside of myself I realize I might not have the perfect life but I have so much to be grateful for. However, when i'm actually living my life, it all just feels heavy and a struggle.
I've been working my low paying mediocre job with the goal of being promoted and it's been hard for me having to slave away at a job I don't really like to get a position I don't really want to be paid slightly more than im currently making because money seems to always be an issue and our government doesn't seem to be getting any better about balancing all this economical cluster fuck we're currently in.
I finally get promoted and what should be a happy moment of accomplishment feels like a death sentence and even further promise of struggle and headaches and resentment. But,hey, at least it'll be able to pay my bills and live without actually living some more. Greeeeaaat.
I guess I need to go to sleep now. Much work to be done tomorrow. More burden and more crushing frustration.
I haven't posted in awhile so i'm just venting. I'm thankful that SS is still around. It feels like a friend you can always go to with your problems. I appreciate everyone here.
