Hey all, here is my yap sesh on a near death experience I had and what I got from it. If you relate feel free to reply, I do not have anyone else to talk to about this stuff.
On July 31st, I found out that I lost out on my dream, and my life was ruined. I was driving home from CA to a major east coast city (where I am in school) to "celebrate" my completion of the summer and that inevitable life changing phone call everyone else got. But have a wicked sense of intuition. Even though it is almost impossible to not get an offer once you are in my position, I was right. I called my parents, who blamed me and were unsupportive. I was driving around 85 mph in the mountains near a beautiful national park I dreamed of seeing, and the stress and heart wrenching pain of the past 10 years hit me, and I passed out. My rental car smashed head on into a massive boulder/cliff and flipped over. I immediately came to and smelled enough smoke to think an explosion was imminent and my SI kicked on (typical...). I was angry, punched the driver's seat window out, sending glass flying into the road, crawled out, and started crying in some random lady's arms. She was sweet but then told me that Jesus saved me and stuff. I believe in Jesus/God and have my own interpretations of the Bible but this was NOT what I needed. Jesus didn't save me, the airbags did. The park ranger who came and spoke to me was an amazing person. Told me about his experience in Iraq, and how he changed his hate and anger at others and the world. I cried because get weirdly empathetic for other people. I never cry for myself. Other people is a different story. Every firefighter, police officer, and emergency responder looked like they saw a ghost when they saw me completely unscathed. I was told that 99/100 people would have died a bloody, messy death from the impact alone. I had a concussion and a couple of bruised ribs. My parents never told me how happy they were to see me alive. "No wonder you didn't get that job, you are a fucking baby." "Who the fuck crashes a car?" They hung up on me. Bloody and tired, I asked the towing truck driver to let me grab some stuff from the car. I ripped a door or two open and grabbed what bags I could, picked my shit up, and walked on the side of the road to find a motel.
It has been nonstop suffering and stress since I survived.
I ranted to my best friend about how much I hate my parents (kinda.. very fucked up and abusive relationship but they love me in a fucked up way... not sure if its me or money they like more though) and for some reason he decided to stop talking to me after hearing how disturbed and upset I was (the concussion make me much angrier than usual). I try to avoid sharing my life and my darkness with people because they never can take it. After years with BPD and training hard with DBT therapy, I know how easy it can be for us to drive people away (no pun intended). This case was just not fair. I feel like I would do anything for my friends, and I could shoulder an infinite amount of other people's secrets and suffering but nobody can do even an ounce of the same for me. I am sick of losing people for no reason (I am more than aware of when I am the reason, and I have not been for years). For the first time I went to my grandparents and called my grandmother and here and my grandfather ripped into me ruthlessly. My mom has villainized me to everyone in my family who will listen. My whole life I got mischaracterized and stepped on by others so it came as little surprise. I have never felt more alone but have accepted that my circumstances are never going to change. Ever since I came to the city where I am in school, it has been hell. My school has abused me and covered it up because they last thing they need is a discrimination case making them look even worse. But because of them, my reputation, career, and life have been ruined and they have done nothing but try to drive me out and cover their tracks. My fight against them has already resulted in staff getting fired or their positions were shifted to prevent future drama. I am now in unplayable student loan debt to a place that has done nothing but ruin my career and life. Imagine paying a school to have a net negative on your career and then yell at you for being ungrateful when you say so.
My first semester at school also was a near death experience. In December 2023, had faced enough bullying from family and social isolation from others (just self-perceived, likely but still) that I planned an elaborate suicide attempt. I have a way with plants and science, and created a concentrated "tea" made from an XXX plant that was potent enough to kill 6 horses. I drank it and listened to a suicide playlist I made, laid my notes out, and put a note next to the heavily trimmed XXX plant that begged "Please do not let the plant die with me. Care for it." I wanted to die by the only things that had kept my life worth living. I ended up bailing due to SI and called 988. I also vomited out enough of the poison, and the city's dept. of toxicology "combined forces" with the medical school at my hospital to make a special antidote for me. I read my medical records and they were bleak. They expected my death even with the antidote. It never came. I spent a little over a week in the psych ward, and I was only happy when I left because it meant I would be freed from that disgusting zoo. I felt subhuman. Because that was how they looked at me in there.
Many life-ruining and horrible things happened to me since my survival that have all led to this point. Since surviving, I have only experienced more pain, more victimization, and more reason to regret calling 988 that day. Not a happy moment has crossed me since, and any happy moment that DID occur was all for nothing after the news this past couple weeks. I will not detail the circumstances of the abuse I endured, nor the rest of my situation out of fear possible identification. Just know that the abuse I endured and the coverups were cartoonishly evil and I have every communication documented and some oral conversations recorded. I have so many lies and inconsistencies and other terrible things that you could write a novel on it. I keep it on a drive in my apartment for if I CTB. I will probably send it to the NYT or something and they can do what they will with it (yes, it is THAT bad).
After the poisoning, a researcher at the hospital asked me to give him more details to write a medical journal article. Eventually when I reached out to ask more about it I got radio silence. I am pretty sure that is due to medical/privacy stuff though so no hard feelings. There are like a bunch of plants out there that are poisonous, but this one was actually sold on Amazon along with the other materials I used to create my concentrate. I ratted out the sellers which were probably taken down, though. I would rather NOT be responsible for anyone's death because I do believe in the previousness and value of life... just not mine. But I also acknowledge that many of us seem to be lost children of the universe, tied to an existence we did not ask for, and one that punishes us for feeding into it.
My issue is this: Both times I survived a near-death experience that, according to the "experts," left me in the single digit percentile for surviving. Why me? I feel that I have been chained to this planet to serve as a doormat for others' aggression and hatred. I feel that no matter what I do to die, I will not be able to because I keep surviving OD's, and damage that does nothing to me. I feel like I am a burden to everyone. But I also have been treated so, so unfairly despite how hard I have worked and good of a person I was/am. I have several mental disorders, such as trauma, severe dissociative episodes with selective memory, etc., that have turned what once was a brilliant and capable mind into a useless shell of a person. I could have done so much with the intelligence I had but everyone else had to go and squander it for me, and no amount of therapy will fully pick up the pieces. I think it may be possible to get my intellectual capabilities back but how long will that take? Not like it matters because my dreams are crushed, I have a massive loan debt to an institution that has taken every measure to destroy me, and I genuinely feel no reason to keep going anymore. I feel more at peace now because I have decided I will CBT sometime soon. I just have to make a bunch of pain-in-the-ass preparations because our society cannot even let us rest in peace without going through all our things and data. Not that I have anything bad to hide (haha says someone who does); I just do not want people reading the many useless lists and notes I have made. My trauma, my favorite pop tarts, etc. If people wanted to know these things about me they could have been there while I was still here.
I have "close" friends/mentors but many just ghosted or abandoned me for no reason. Some just did not want to "deal" with the stress of knowing their friend/mentee had lots of problems. I feel sad because a mentor I looked up to stopped talking to me at all. That hurts because I really have not done anything out-of-the-ordinary. And my brain is hard-wired to believe that busy=bad so who knows? The friends that remain may once have had my trust, but I do not share things with anyone anymore because I know they will leave me too. My parents always told me to "trust nobody" and they were right. But I think deep down they are very wrong but that my life has had the bad luck of being around bad people. I am 27 years old, almost 28 with a wasted life. I have not dated since high school because my ambitions were my career and the difference I could make for other people through it. But now I doubt I will find anyone who would even want to be around me for more than 5 minutes. The problem is I am physically pretty (I have modeled and stuff), but the insane is so filled with sadness and anger that I do not want to put myself out there.
On July 31st, I found out that I lost out on my dream, and my life was ruined. I was driving home from CA to a major east coast city (where I am in school) to "celebrate" my completion of the summer and that inevitable life changing phone call everyone else got. But have a wicked sense of intuition. Even though it is almost impossible to not get an offer once you are in my position, I was right. I called my parents, who blamed me and were unsupportive. I was driving around 85 mph in the mountains near a beautiful national park I dreamed of seeing, and the stress and heart wrenching pain of the past 10 years hit me, and I passed out. My rental car smashed head on into a massive boulder/cliff and flipped over. I immediately came to and smelled enough smoke to think an explosion was imminent and my SI kicked on (typical...). I was angry, punched the driver's seat window out, sending glass flying into the road, crawled out, and started crying in some random lady's arms. She was sweet but then told me that Jesus saved me and stuff. I believe in Jesus/God and have my own interpretations of the Bible but this was NOT what I needed. Jesus didn't save me, the airbags did. The park ranger who came and spoke to me was an amazing person. Told me about his experience in Iraq, and how he changed his hate and anger at others and the world. I cried because get weirdly empathetic for other people. I never cry for myself. Other people is a different story. Every firefighter, police officer, and emergency responder looked like they saw a ghost when they saw me completely unscathed. I was told that 99/100 people would have died a bloody, messy death from the impact alone. I had a concussion and a couple of bruised ribs. My parents never told me how happy they were to see me alive. "No wonder you didn't get that job, you are a fucking baby." "Who the fuck crashes a car?" They hung up on me. Bloody and tired, I asked the towing truck driver to let me grab some stuff from the car. I ripped a door or two open and grabbed what bags I could, picked my shit up, and walked on the side of the road to find a motel.
It has been nonstop suffering and stress since I survived.
I ranted to my best friend about how much I hate my parents (kinda.. very fucked up and abusive relationship but they love me in a fucked up way... not sure if its me or money they like more though) and for some reason he decided to stop talking to me after hearing how disturbed and upset I was (the concussion make me much angrier than usual). I try to avoid sharing my life and my darkness with people because they never can take it. After years with BPD and training hard with DBT therapy, I know how easy it can be for us to drive people away (no pun intended). This case was just not fair. I feel like I would do anything for my friends, and I could shoulder an infinite amount of other people's secrets and suffering but nobody can do even an ounce of the same for me. I am sick of losing people for no reason (I am more than aware of when I am the reason, and I have not been for years). For the first time I went to my grandparents and called my grandmother and here and my grandfather ripped into me ruthlessly. My mom has villainized me to everyone in my family who will listen. My whole life I got mischaracterized and stepped on by others so it came as little surprise. I have never felt more alone but have accepted that my circumstances are never going to change. Ever since I came to the city where I am in school, it has been hell. My school has abused me and covered it up because they last thing they need is a discrimination case making them look even worse. But because of them, my reputation, career, and life have been ruined and they have done nothing but try to drive me out and cover their tracks. My fight against them has already resulted in staff getting fired or their positions were shifted to prevent future drama. I am now in unplayable student loan debt to a place that has done nothing but ruin my career and life. Imagine paying a school to have a net negative on your career and then yell at you for being ungrateful when you say so.
My first semester at school also was a near death experience. In December 2023, had faced enough bullying from family and social isolation from others (just self-perceived, likely but still) that I planned an elaborate suicide attempt. I have a way with plants and science, and created a concentrated "tea" made from an XXX plant that was potent enough to kill 6 horses. I drank it and listened to a suicide playlist I made, laid my notes out, and put a note next to the heavily trimmed XXX plant that begged "Please do not let the plant die with me. Care for it." I wanted to die by the only things that had kept my life worth living. I ended up bailing due to SI and called 988. I also vomited out enough of the poison, and the city's dept. of toxicology "combined forces" with the medical school at my hospital to make a special antidote for me. I read my medical records and they were bleak. They expected my death even with the antidote. It never came. I spent a little over a week in the psych ward, and I was only happy when I left because it meant I would be freed from that disgusting zoo. I felt subhuman. Because that was how they looked at me in there.
Many life-ruining and horrible things happened to me since my survival that have all led to this point. Since surviving, I have only experienced more pain, more victimization, and more reason to regret calling 988 that day. Not a happy moment has crossed me since, and any happy moment that DID occur was all for nothing after the news this past couple weeks. I will not detail the circumstances of the abuse I endured, nor the rest of my situation out of fear possible identification. Just know that the abuse I endured and the coverups were cartoonishly evil and I have every communication documented and some oral conversations recorded. I have so many lies and inconsistencies and other terrible things that you could write a novel on it. I keep it on a drive in my apartment for if I CTB. I will probably send it to the NYT or something and they can do what they will with it (yes, it is THAT bad).
After the poisoning, a researcher at the hospital asked me to give him more details to write a medical journal article. Eventually when I reached out to ask more about it I got radio silence. I am pretty sure that is due to medical/privacy stuff though so no hard feelings. There are like a bunch of plants out there that are poisonous, but this one was actually sold on Amazon along with the other materials I used to create my concentrate. I ratted out the sellers which were probably taken down, though. I would rather NOT be responsible for anyone's death because I do believe in the previousness and value of life... just not mine. But I also acknowledge that many of us seem to be lost children of the universe, tied to an existence we did not ask for, and one that punishes us for feeding into it.
My issue is this: Both times I survived a near-death experience that, according to the "experts," left me in the single digit percentile for surviving. Why me? I feel that I have been chained to this planet to serve as a doormat for others' aggression and hatred. I feel that no matter what I do to die, I will not be able to because I keep surviving OD's, and damage that does nothing to me. I feel like I am a burden to everyone. But I also have been treated so, so unfairly despite how hard I have worked and good of a person I was/am. I have several mental disorders, such as trauma, severe dissociative episodes with selective memory, etc., that have turned what once was a brilliant and capable mind into a useless shell of a person. I could have done so much with the intelligence I had but everyone else had to go and squander it for me, and no amount of therapy will fully pick up the pieces. I think it may be possible to get my intellectual capabilities back but how long will that take? Not like it matters because my dreams are crushed, I have a massive loan debt to an institution that has taken every measure to destroy me, and I genuinely feel no reason to keep going anymore. I feel more at peace now because I have decided I will CBT sometime soon. I just have to make a bunch of pain-in-the-ass preparations because our society cannot even let us rest in peace without going through all our things and data. Not that I have anything bad to hide (haha says someone who does); I just do not want people reading the many useless lists and notes I have made. My trauma, my favorite pop tarts, etc. If people wanted to know these things about me they could have been there while I was still here.
I have "close" friends/mentors but many just ghosted or abandoned me for no reason. Some just did not want to "deal" with the stress of knowing their friend/mentee had lots of problems. I feel sad because a mentor I looked up to stopped talking to me at all. That hurts because I really have not done anything out-of-the-ordinary. And my brain is hard-wired to believe that busy=bad so who knows? The friends that remain may once have had my trust, but I do not share things with anyone anymore because I know they will leave me too. My parents always told me to "trust nobody" and they were right. But I think deep down they are very wrong but that my life has had the bad luck of being around bad people. I am 27 years old, almost 28 with a wasted life. I have not dated since high school because my ambitions were my career and the difference I could make for other people through it. But now I doubt I will find anyone who would even want to be around me for more than 5 minutes. The problem is I am physically pretty (I have modeled and stuff), but the insane is so filled with sadness and anger that I do not want to put myself out there.
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