burninghill
Student
- Dec 2, 2025
- 195
I don't know what to do with myself anymore, I just mess up over and over. I blamed it all on my teeth but I know it's not that, it's me. I finally have appointments to fix them and I still want to die. I have a boyfriend and I still want to die.
Living feels like carrying an 80lbs sack of bricks everywhere I go. I'm such an asshole. I start dating a guy only a month or two ago and then I plan to kill myself. I shouldn't have done it in the first place but I can't blame myself for loving someone. Even if I'm fine in the moment, imagining my future just makes me sick. It just looks like a desert, just nothing forever and ever.
I've been disassociated again recently too. I feel like I have a controller and I'm being made to direct this character wherever. I don't even want to do it. There is something deeply wrong about me and I can't figure out what it is.
The only thing I want to do that I haven't is have sex. My boyfriend keeps inviting me over to his house (no pressure) and I know that means I'll get a chance to have sex with him. My mum wouldn't let me sleep over his house, but I can lie. I could do that on Sunday and kill myself Monday. Or Thursday. It needs to be in the dark and I forget it isn't winter anymore. Low tide moves back an hour ever day. I know that's bad. To have sex with someone when I know I'm going to kill myself incredibly soon. I really do. I know how bad it is and I promise that no one knows it better than me. Please don't tell me I'm bad because I know.
I'v e always been like this and I need to end it now
Living feels like carrying an 80lbs sack of bricks everywhere I go. I'm such an asshole. I start dating a guy only a month or two ago and then I plan to kill myself. I shouldn't have done it in the first place but I can't blame myself for loving someone. Even if I'm fine in the moment, imagining my future just makes me sick. It just looks like a desert, just nothing forever and ever.
I've been disassociated again recently too. I feel like I have a controller and I'm being made to direct this character wherever. I don't even want to do it. There is something deeply wrong about me and I can't figure out what it is.
The only thing I want to do that I haven't is have sex. My boyfriend keeps inviting me over to his house (no pressure) and I know that means I'll get a chance to have sex with him. My mum wouldn't let me sleep over his house, but I can lie. I could do that on Sunday and kill myself Monday. Or Thursday. It needs to be in the dark and I forget it isn't winter anymore. Low tide moves back an hour ever day. I know that's bad. To have sex with someone when I know I'm going to kill myself incredibly soon. I really do. I know how bad it is and I promise that no one knows it better than me. Please don't tell me I'm bad because I know.
I'v e always been like this and I need to end it now
