Trying not to relapse into DPH

[burninghill]

I was using DPH (sleeping medication) weekly at the beginning of this year and I cut myself off from using it, especially because I didn't want to be perceived as a addict to my boyfriend haha, especially because he has lost 2 members of his immediate family to addiction.

I'm also trying not to buy more nicotine pouches. I want them bad but they're expensive and honestly I can't really afford to sustain it.

I'm just so bored and I feel miserable. I enjoy DPH so fucking much. It's my favourite thing in the world but I really don't want to use it again. It causes me a lot of anxiety, not because of the trip itself but the thought of having to go to hospital because I took too much or something.

I just feel miserable. It's the only word for it. I've been ordering monster and noodles and coffee to my house so I don't have to leave. I need something to do with myself. I want to occupy myself but I also don't really, you know?

 

[burninghill]

There's just no way I'm not going to get high soon. I've been up so late every night and all I want to do is sleep but I don't have any herbal sleeping aid right now. This means that all I have access to is DPH and whenever I think about potentially taking it for its intended purpose I just get fixated on wanting to get high again. It's so fucking difficult. It's right here. I know I should get rid of it but I just can't.
There's just no way I'm not going to get high soon. I've been up so late every night and all I want to do is sleep but I don't have any herbal sleeping aid right now. This means that all I have access to is DPH and whenever I think about potentially taking it for its intended purpose I just get fixated on wanting to get high again. It's so fucking difficult. It's right here. I know I should get rid of it but I just can't.


It just spirals. I have 25mg tablets but I should take 50mg (reasonable dose) to make sure I'm really asleep. But if I'm taking 50 then I might aswell take 100 for a little buzz. But if I'm taking 100 then I'm already overdosing, so I might aswell take 200. But I don't trip as well on 200 as I would on 400, so I might aswell just take 400. I can't do it. I really need help. I dont want to use again.