Help Sudden fear! I did something dumb!

[4Icarus]

In my defense: My life's taken a turn for the very bad.

Basically, I had a breakdown and quit my job a month ago because it was literally too painful to do because of my EDS and my boss was an idiot shitheel who was gonna force me to do even more painful shit no matter how many doctors notes I brought or how much I begged for them to stop pulling shit to avoid hiring more people. On top of more reasons draining to my mental health, had to ask them to stop making me walk home because there was no sidewalk for that 40 minute walk home and maybeeeee walking a busy as fuck curvy hill road and then over a bridge I could easily fall off of wasn't the best idea when I was actively trying not to be suicidal.
Got into another temp job I just got fired from. My money got drained, got some outside help for rent, it was under the amount I actually needed for rent but I paid my part for next month. I probably won't be able to afford my part for utilities, though. I've gotten an interview or two but I don't know if I'm gonna keep getting help if I keep fucking up and nothing's guaranteed.
I can't go back to my dad's mouse-infested house in a state that'll take my healthcare away from me because I'm trans and I can't go into the shelters again. Not without a method. There's a fear of being unhoused again and not having the funds to get a not shitty method to die. It's something I didn't wanna risk. State won't fucking care past a certain point and I don't wanna leave my fate in their hands right now when the whole country could get way worse than it already is by like tomorrow.

I ordered some SH. It was a thing of panic because I know if I get to the point where I have no money, I won't get a chance to do this again. Not at my dad's and ordering this at a shelter? Forget it. This move across the country was already my last chance out of hell so to speak, I got really lucky, so if I have to go back... Well, they can't say I didn't try to stay alive despite it all.
And now it's due to arrive on a day where I have an interview for a job I may not even get! And I will be out of the house most of the day! And my 3 roommates don't know it's this bad for me; one is my closest friend who's the entire reason I got out, one fucking hates me and will avoid telling me that there are problems but complains about me behind my back and makes me fucking worried for my housing security, and the other is scared of me and also a fucking social worker. And dating(?) the one who hates me. They're both in a friend group with said best friend.

This was also not with the funds I was given for rent, temp job did pay me before they booted me for at least one day. I doubt my roommates are gonna open my package, doubt they know about the sodium nitrate or would care but I might get questions from my close friend. The simple "Oh hey what's that :0" kind. Questions lead to me being fucking dumb. I wanna be honest and say it's a just-in-case thing and he's like aware this is on the table for me, kind of; he saw what situation I was in before and lived in the same state previously, he knows what's at stake for me but uh.
I also don't wanna put him in that moral conundrum of whether or not to have me institutionalized, especially since that'll make my imminent end a certainty in the near future with a much more painful method most likely and I really don't want him to blame himself.
Also, the friends who fucking hate me. They don't even like it when I spend too much time in the kitchen god damnit, I was advised to stay in my room when I have to be home so I don't start a fight for existing in a house I also pay for.

Tl;dr: I ordered some SH and do not want my roommates to see it and I will likely not be home to get to it before they do.
What do I do and how do I stop panicking? It looks like things are going fine from an outside perspective and I'm stupid as fuck, entitled, ungrateful, I know, the whole shebang. Yeah, I'm a total god damn idiot. I'm hoping I'm just being paranoid, re-reading this feels like I'm not fucking real.

 

[lasttogo]

My immediate thought. Maybe a bit toxic, but this situation seems to call for it. If they open it for some reason, you can always hit them with "hey, did you know opening someone's else's mail is a federal crime? :)"

If they don't know what SN is that should probably end the conversation. If they do not have a history of opening your mail, most likely they won't open it though. I'm not sure if hearing that from another person is helpful but I thought I'd say it in case.

 

[lament.]

Damn, sasus most relatable post just dropped. (sorry for the lighthearted remark but,) I'm quite literally in *almost* the exact same situation. No job due to EDS/depression and I have just ordered SN in a home where I don't know if I'm going to get to it first. I'm dreading the exact same questions like "what did you order" and such and want to tell the truth to them but know it's not for the best.

I think realistically in this situation there is nothing that can be done as of current so there is no reason to panic over it and the best thing to do is to simply accept that and come up with a response that's most natural when the time comes. If you keep second guessing yourself and beating yourself up you are only going to make the days pass by in agony.

 

[4Icarus]

Damn, sasus most relatable post just dropped. (sorry for the lighthearted remark but,) I'm quite literally in *almost* the exact same situation. No job due to EDS/depression and I have just ordered SN in a home where I don't know if I'm going to get to it first. I'm dreading the exact same questions like "what did you order" and such and want to tell the truth to them but know it's not for the best.

I think realistically in this situation there is nothing that can be done as of current so there is no reason to panic over it and the best thing to do is to simply accept that and come up with a response that's most natural when the time comes. If you keep second guessing yourself and beating yourself up you are only going to make the days pass by in agony.

Okay, this is. Insanely fucking funny.

Makes me feel less bad about literally losing sleep over this because I at least got to see your comment. Genuinely, thank you for opening up about this, I've been pretty self-deprecating due to most of the snafus I've been inflicting on myself out of fear.

I'll keep my nerves strong if you do. What even are the *odds*?

My immediate thought. Maybe a bit toxic, but this situation seems to call for it. If they open it for some reason, you can always hit them with "hey, did you know opening someone's else's mail is a federal crime? :)"

If they don't know what SN is that should probably end the conversation. If they do not have a history of opening your mail, most likely they won't open it though. I'm not sure if hearing that from another person is helpful but I thought I'd say it in case.

Yeaaah, I could be like "We can both get locked away today, let's tango."

Okay, but yeah, that would be a more realistic thing. Plus, there's my interest in chemistry so. they could always just call me irresponsible instead for indulging in my interests at a time like this.

yeah I feel less skittish about this now. The duo barely wants to see me and my bestie ain't home until late in the night. I'll be fine I'm going to bed. its 3 am, i gotta get up in 3 hours