nitrogenous
Just wanna break free of all suffering
- Dec 26, 2025
- 149
For context, all of my usual medical professionals don't give a shit about me ending my life. One thing about me is I'm always transparent just because I don't really give a shit and I'm a bad liar, so they'll know anyways. But the thing is, even when I told my therapist and people in my GP's clinic that I had a plan to end my life a couple hours after, no one gave a shit. My therapist even laughed thinking it was some stupid joke. Unless I'm actually dead, no one would do anything. Even on my last attempt (prior to knowing SaSu so I was naive), someone called the ambulance on me and got put on the EEA as usual, but really soon after got discharged back to my home where I live alone. This was around the same time different people (professionals) kept on calling 000 (911 equivalent) on me due to safety concerns.
However, since my psychiatrist conducted a case conference with my medical professionals, no one took me seriously anymore. I'm not saying I want to be admitted, but even if I talk about suicidality and wanted help, no one was willing to. When I first bought the SN and was willing to still engage in safety planning (I even asked for ideas on this forum to stay safe and not ingest SN impulsively), none of my professionals wanted to help me with that safety planning. They're all afraid of the consequences of interacting with me, potentially due to the possible legal/ethical consequences of having the people they interact with being dead. That's how I get away with ordering the means, having the means and even planning to take the SN with immediate plan and intent. I only ended up not going through that plan last week as I took my night meds that I skipped in the arvo and it made my blood pressure drop so low that I was going to faint and made me super drowsy. So, once I arrived home, I physically couldn't attempt or even try to attempt. I just slept for a really long time until the following afternoon.
Two nights ago, I was having a rough time and couldn't sleep, possibly due to me trying to not take my nightmare meds as it was causing lots of blood pressure issues. So, I instead filled in an intake form for my university's counselling clinic. I didn't end up booking an appointment as I realised after, "what am I doing?". In the morning, I got a call from the clinic saying that there are a couple of red flags in my intake form and that they want me to have an urgent appointment. So I came to that appointment, had to read this confidentiality thing as usual, and she continued with a risk assessment as I was new. Because I'm a stupid idiot, I just told her nonchalantly that I did have plans and I know I'm just going to end my life pretty soon, it's just a matter of time. She obviously panicked, called the security who called ambulance and that's how I ended up going back to this daunting public hospital.
I already told everyone that there's no point, the MH team at this hospital hates me already as they always think I'm attention seeking and manipulative, and when I was waiting in the ER and my time came, obviously the MH team asked me to fill in a new safety plan. In the mean time, the MH person told me "if you don't call anyone to dispose your SN we won't let you go out of the hospital" and left. I was bawling my eyes out as ain't no way I'm letting that happen, I don't even have anyone to do that and hearing that just made me want to commit even more. He did come back after a while, somehow thankfully forgetting what he said so I got discharged really soon (maybe 5 hours since arriving in the ER with ambulance). He told me that I know being admitted in the hospital wouldn't help me, so unless I'm dead no one gives a shit.
Being in the ER didn't help at all, no one was willing to help me solve my problems, I'm not saying for them to do everything, but I wish I can just have someone to make phone calls with me together so I don't break down and have someone to debrief after if needed. Now, I'm back again, with the same suicidality, same plan, same problems and nothing has changed, except with me being even more behind in university due to the ER admission.
I think this is exactly my problem, no one's doing anything, making me feel like I'm beyond help, safety planning has never worked for me and I don't even know what kind of help I need. How am I meant to move on after this?
I'm just mad at myself for keeping on giving myself false hopes (and believing other people's false hopes) about solving my problems or the future and for being terrified of failing with SN, considering I've been physically sick the past 2 weeks and have been having intense nausea, meaning I probably have a higher chance of failing…
If only there's a magic cure to everything and maybe my life would be worth living… I'm sick of feeling this way everyday. I just want to escape all this pain.
However, since my psychiatrist conducted a case conference with my medical professionals, no one took me seriously anymore. I'm not saying I want to be admitted, but even if I talk about suicidality and wanted help, no one was willing to. When I first bought the SN and was willing to still engage in safety planning (I even asked for ideas on this forum to stay safe and not ingest SN impulsively), none of my professionals wanted to help me with that safety planning. They're all afraid of the consequences of interacting with me, potentially due to the possible legal/ethical consequences of having the people they interact with being dead. That's how I get away with ordering the means, having the means and even planning to take the SN with immediate plan and intent. I only ended up not going through that plan last week as I took my night meds that I skipped in the arvo and it made my blood pressure drop so low that I was going to faint and made me super drowsy. So, once I arrived home, I physically couldn't attempt or even try to attempt. I just slept for a really long time until the following afternoon.
Two nights ago, I was having a rough time and couldn't sleep, possibly due to me trying to not take my nightmare meds as it was causing lots of blood pressure issues. So, I instead filled in an intake form for my university's counselling clinic. I didn't end up booking an appointment as I realised after, "what am I doing?". In the morning, I got a call from the clinic saying that there are a couple of red flags in my intake form and that they want me to have an urgent appointment. So I came to that appointment, had to read this confidentiality thing as usual, and she continued with a risk assessment as I was new. Because I'm a stupid idiot, I just told her nonchalantly that I did have plans and I know I'm just going to end my life pretty soon, it's just a matter of time. She obviously panicked, called the security who called ambulance and that's how I ended up going back to this daunting public hospital.
I already told everyone that there's no point, the MH team at this hospital hates me already as they always think I'm attention seeking and manipulative, and when I was waiting in the ER and my time came, obviously the MH team asked me to fill in a new safety plan. In the mean time, the MH person told me "if you don't call anyone to dispose your SN we won't let you go out of the hospital" and left. I was bawling my eyes out as ain't no way I'm letting that happen, I don't even have anyone to do that and hearing that just made me want to commit even more. He did come back after a while, somehow thankfully forgetting what he said so I got discharged really soon (maybe 5 hours since arriving in the ER with ambulance). He told me that I know being admitted in the hospital wouldn't help me, so unless I'm dead no one gives a shit.
Being in the ER didn't help at all, no one was willing to help me solve my problems, I'm not saying for them to do everything, but I wish I can just have someone to make phone calls with me together so I don't break down and have someone to debrief after if needed. Now, I'm back again, with the same suicidality, same plan, same problems and nothing has changed, except with me being even more behind in university due to the ER admission.
I think this is exactly my problem, no one's doing anything, making me feel like I'm beyond help, safety planning has never worked for me and I don't even know what kind of help I need. How am I meant to move on after this?
I'm just mad at myself for keeping on giving myself false hopes (and believing other people's false hopes) about solving my problems or the future and for being terrified of failing with SN, considering I've been physically sick the past 2 weeks and have been having intense nausea, meaning I probably have a higher chance of failing…
If only there's a magic cure to everything and maybe my life would be worth living… I'm sick of feeling this way everyday. I just want to escape all this pain.
