Venting Struggling with meaning

[MeSauce]

I am in philisophical despair right now

Just that my life has no meaning and wondering whats it all for and my mental state sucks and im just wondering why i should keep going

If you were being tortured, but you could kill yourself at any moment, and you didnt know if the torture was going to end, how long would you endure?

Ive been struggling with this for two years and there is still no end in sight. The pain hurts me very deeply, but comes in waves. I never know when the wave comes, it might be late at night or something, maybe at work. I just wonder, what is it all for? It hurts so much and has been for a long time. I dont have to solve an existential problem for myself overnight, but it just hurts so bad and i dont kbow what to do and how to solve it and i just dont see a way out..
Except one.

But this isnt a psychological break. This isnt something that can be cured with an involuntary hosputilization for a week, month, dare I say year?

But why? WHY? Why shouldnt I do it? If death came for me tonight, would that be so bad?

I end this with no solution, so insight. Nothing new was gained under the sun.

 

[leowantstobedead]

That was beautifully said, u must be a writer

 

[plskilme]

I've also been struggling with finding meaning. Graduated college a few years ago now, with a 4.0 GPA. Somehow, can't get a job in the field I studied. Wanted to join military out of high school instead of doing fucking college, but medical history screwed my ass over (just my fucking luck). Now idk what to do, I still live with my mom, and constantly get compared to my younger sister, who's way better off than me. I feel like a failure in life. Stuck working a dead-end job that I hate, in my state and town that I fucking hate. I just wish God would take me because "God's plan" isn't doing shit.

 

[Tobacco]

I've been struggling with suicidal ideation/depression on and off for seven years now. If life gives you enough room to breathe a little, you get used to it slowly. Of course, I'm saying it from a kind of priviledged position, since I have accomodations for my disabilities.